Am I doing the right thing?

[Hollygolightly86]

I have been with my husband for 12 years, when I met him he had a young son (2). We have 2 children together since. DH was awarded residency when he was 3. He is now 15. Usually we have a 2 week holiday abroad yearly. Due to covid & the restrictions applied we haven’t been away since 2018. Now we have booked a holiday abroad however we fly out 2 days before term ends thus taking children out of school for 2 days. DH has informed schools & they are unhappy about it but had authorised holiday nevertheless. My DSS has informed his Mum but she is now contesting this with the school so now they have unauthorised the trip as ‘it hasn’t been agreed by those with’ PR’. My DH has agreed a day a week to have contact so it would obviously interfere with her contact however he has offered her extra time to make up for this.
I’m irked because she hasn’t had any communication with him for over 6 years and only recently established contact but because PR wasn’t rescinded as advised by our solicitor she has control over what happens in our lives. I’m unwilling to cancel our holiday but I can do without the drama at the same time..

Please can I make clear. My DH has residency. He does not need to ask permission to take DSS out of country for up to 28 days. No phone calls to airline need be made!!

I’d also like to point out that calls to airlines do not work like that, you can’t call & stop a flight!!

I would go on the holiday.
If his mum brings it up again your DH should calmly say that as the resident parent he made a decision based on the best interests of your DS and obtained the necessary authorisation from the school. Repeat as necessary.

Thank you rainbowqueen. I think what I’m irked about is that I’ve effectively been doing his biological mothers job for 12 years & then this woman who has no intention of maintaining a lifestyle or giving him a decent lifestyle can simply say ‘I don’t agree’ and change his life. We are going regardless and we will as we have been for over a decade. We’re going to Barbados next year & I’m buggered if shes going to spoil that!!

It’s because PR wasn’t relinquished by his mother that problem ensues

you don’t give up PR with residency. That’s not how it works. It’s not unreasonable that a parent questions why a child is being taken out of school. Should she have to pay a fine because of your holiday? All you had to do was have the holiday in the actual holiday and there wouldn’t have been an issue. You have caused this problem yet are behaving like it’s everyone else’s fault.

We have offered her 6 dates as alternatives

He’s 15. Let him sort out his own contact with his mum.

It’s not unreasonable that a parent questions why a child is being taken out of school. it is when they don't seem to accept actual day to day responsibility.

I didn’t say that was the case I know that’s not how it works as I’ve been through the process. Please read my post properly. Tbh she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on in court based on her behaviour or lack of over past 12 years so I’m sticking to my guns despite whatever nonsense she’s likely to start. As contact isn’t court ordered my DSS doesn’t have to see her anyway if he chooses not to & it’s unlikely she’ll push for it anyway

Please read my post properly

You said 'It’s because PR wasn’t relinquished by his mother that problem ensues' therefore you seem to believe that the NRP should no longer have PR?

Tbh she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on in court based on her behaviour or lack of over past 12 years so I’m sticking to my guns despite whatever nonsense she’s likely to start

She is querying, as a person with PR, why her child is being taken out of school and has informed the school that it is not being done with her permission. There is nothing at all unreasonable about that. The courts are not usually in the habit of saying no to holidays but I am awaiting the day there is a serious legal challenge based on the fact that it is now possible to fine both people with PR if one parent makes a decision to remove the child from school. That's punish both parents for a unilateral decision. If my ex wants to take the kids on holiday during term time, that's up to him, but I fail to see a) why I should actually have to pay for that or b) why the school should chase me for decisions that are beyond my control. Therefore, I would let the school know it wasn't my decision in the hope of avoiding a fine and of any further follow up.

As contact isn’t court ordered my DSS doesn’t have to see her anyway

He's 15! Christ on a bike. Just let him deal with his relationship with his mum in whatever way he sees fit. No 15 year old would be forced to see a parent, regardless of court orders. You're utterly fixated on the courts and being in the right. You're wrong to take a child out of school without first discussing it the other person who holds PR.

it is now possible to fine both people with PR if one parent makes a decision to remove the child from school is it?! Who's smart idea was that that's so ridiculous.

The school have no details of his mother anyway so unless they hire a PI then they have no name or address to send it to except us, also his mother has no details of the airline/hotel or even specific place we are travelling to & she will not be furnished with that information by us. I have spoken to the school about the situation & they are 100% supportive of our decision

They are marking the absence as unauthorised but have agreed not to pass to council for a fine

you seem to believe that the NRP should no longer have PR?

She wasn't just the NRP that was still seeing her Son regularly though was she? Did you miss the bit where the OP said she voluntarily chose to not see him or have anything to do with him for 6 years?

If you want to keep PR of your child, perhaps try and actually act like a parent 🙄

I was just going to say the school are unlikely to fine you as they initially authorized the absence so you would have had good grounds to appeal it anyway.
Don't update her on your plans of still taking him, just carry on as you are .

Thank you, I’m glad you read it properly! She was given ample opportunity to see him & even had scheduled days/times set up initially but she didn’t like going through a contact centre her visit’s eventually dwindled to nothing. She doesn’t deserve PR frankly, it’s a joke she retained it.

@Hollygolightly86 I agree, I've been in that position but as your Son. My Dad should have given up his PR as he wasn't interested in me at all but he only kept it as a way to control my Mum so nothing grates on me more than parents who don't put their kids first but still think they should get a say in their lives!

If you want to keep PR of your child, perhaps try and actually act like a parent

There are thousands and thousands of people out there who don't 'act like a parent' following the breakdown of a relationship. My ex didn't see our children for an extended period but he returned and has never missed a contact weekend since. People change, people do stuff in the heat of the moment they struggle to go back on, people feel guilt and shame and distress and don't know how to make things right. The absolute worst thing you can do is shut the door on such a parent - because the children have a right to know their parents, warts and all, and form their own judgements. If nothing else, it stops an absent parent from being put on an undeserving pedestal.

Regardless, the ex has PR and should have been consulted and ultimately, the child shouldn't have been removed early from school for a holiday. The rest is just fluff and noise being used to cover those facts. .

If she was genuinely concerned & stepped up to be a decent parent then I’d understand but since January she’s missed or cancelled more arrangements than she’s turned up for & he hasn’t received one phone call or FT call. She’s useless & on reflection I really don’t think she should be (& won’t be) consulted about anything. Thankfully the school see it just as we do.

Tell her to bugger off and just go on holiday! It'll be unauthorised but you won't be fined if it's less than 5 days absence.

@howtomoveforwards that's all well and good but what about the child in that? 6 years no contact and minimal contact before that has a damaging effect. As I say, I experienced that first hand with my Dad. I would have rather he gave up PR than used it to his advantage when it suited him.

Either way, the SS is now 15, he's only enough to decide for himself if he wants a relationship with his Mum and also if he wants to go on holiday with OP and his Dad.

No, I don't think she should have been consulted when she hasn't cared whether he's been at school or not for the last 6 years. It's 2 days of school at the end of term, he won't be missing anything. She isn't objecting because of that, she also hasn't accepted seeing him more before/after the holiday because she's doing it out of spite. If she genuinely wanted to make amends with her Son she would grab the chance at those extra contact days and letting him enjoy himself for 2 weeks.
She also hasn't given the OP a reason or explained she's worried about his education being affected etc, she's just told the school she doesn't agree and is using it against them, if she had real concerns she would talk to them about it and work with the people that have been raising her Son

Old enough*

Thank you to everyone for the advice, I know what I should do & know what I will do x thanks again

Simply tell the school that as they gave authorisation and the holiday was booked on thst basis, so SS will be going.

I doubt a woman who abandoned her child would actually do anything about it.

Go and enjoy your holiday.

Isn't the fine £60 per parent per week? So by asking for it to be unauthorised, hasn't she just set herself up to be fined as well?