Am I doing the right thing?

Hollygolightly86 · 2022-05-08T14:15:29+00:00

I have been with my husband for 12 years, when I met him he had a young son (2). We have 2 children together since. DH was awarded residency when he was 3. He is now 15. Usually we have a 2 week holiday abroad yearly. Due to covid & the restrictions applied we haven’t been away since 2018. Now we have booked a holiday abroad however we fly out 2 days before term ends thus taking children out of school for 2 days. DH has informed schools & they are unhappy about it but had authorised holiday nevertheless. My DSS has informed his Mum but she is now contesting this with the school so now they have unauthorised the trip as ‘it hasn’t been agreed by those with’ PR’. My DH has agreed a day a week to have contact so it would obviously interfere with her contact however he has offered her extra time to make up for this. I’m irked because she hasn’t had any communication with him for over 6 years and only recently established contact but because PR wasn’t rescinded as advised by our solicitor she has control over what happens in our lives. I’m unwilling to cancel our holiday but I can do without the drama at the same time..

Buzzer3555 · 08/05/2022 15:23

Where would your stepson go for the 2 weeks you are away? I assume its not possible for him to join you a few days later when it will be school holidays. You are not being difficult..his mum is .

Original poster

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 15:31

Why should he join us later, he’s not missing anything at school clearly as the school approved it (not that that is relevant really) until his mum complained.

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Chilledchablis1 · 08/05/2022 15:34

If he is a sensible 15 year old can he not fly out to join you once term has finished ?

Original poster

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 15:36

Why should he wait 2 days to join is, what difference does it make. The focus is not on the 2 days it’s on whether an absent parent can affect his life.

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HerRoyalNotness · 08/05/2022 15:36

Just because it’s not authorised doesn’t mean he can’t go as planned.

Original poster

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 15:43

HerRoyalNotness · 08/05/2022 15:36

Just because it’s not authorised doesn’t mean he can’t go as planned.

Very true & I wasn’t thinking thinking of cancelling the holiday just seeing if I could move it bit I’m reluctant to do that because his Mum hasn’t done anything for him at all so why would we change our plans

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watcherintherye · 08/05/2022 15:47

I’m assuming that as your dh is the resident parent, there will be no legal repercussions if your dss comes on holiday with you as planned? The school has no say over arrangements, other than potentially fining you for your dss unauthorised absence. I expect they didn’t want to get involved in a wrangle between two parents, so revoked permission. It doesn’t mean you can’t go ahead, though. I doubt the school will pursue the matter as it’s only 2 days at the end of term.

Original poster

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 15:50

Absolutely DH has residency order, since DSS was 3. It’s because PR wasn’t relinquished by his mother that problem ensues

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Vsirbdo · 08/05/2022 15:59

Well it’ll be an unauthorised absence but unless she goes to court then what’s the issue in just going ahead? Would school fine you?

Bunty55 · 08/05/2022 16:02

What does your stepson want? This is the answer

Original poster

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 16:08

Vsirbdo · 08/05/2022 15:59

Well it’ll be an unauthorised absence but unless she goes to court then what’s the issue in just going ahead? Would school fine you?

True and yes they probably would issue a fine via the council which is no issue ultimately. I just know that there will be huge amounts of drama if we do take him as although she has been deemed litigious by court this is more fuel to the fire so as to speak & I’m tired of it. I suppose I am answering my own questions here! It’s a shame that some (definitely not all) mothers are concerned with getting retribution with fathers rather than ensuring the happiness of their children is paramount

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Original poster

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 16:10

Bunty55 · 08/05/2022 16:02

What does your stepson want? This is the answer

He wants to come with us, we are his family & all he remembers. Thank you very good point

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BaaMoon · 08/05/2022 16:41

How utterly ridiculous of the mother. When does her PR stop? When he's 16? How long until he's 16?

bellsbuss · 08/05/2022 16:51

She sounds very spiteful , this is about her not your sons feelings. I say your son as you are the one that has brought him up for the last 12 years.

Original poster

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 17:11

Her PR stops at 18 automatically. He was 3 when DH awarded residency, she had very little but some communication & contact with him subsequent to that but nothing since he was 7/8 It improved somewhat recently which we have agreed to as she’s sorted her life out & made better choices in addition he has 2 sisters which we would love him to have contact with. She seems to be on the mend at least. Im just so irritated that someone who couldn’t care less for all this time is now making an issue of something that wasn’t an issue for last few years

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Lou98 · 08/05/2022 17:14

She is acting out of spite otherwise there's no way she would want to prevent her Son from being able to enjoy himself on holiday for 2 weeks. It isn't about missing contact when she went 6 years without seeing him.

Is her one day a week contact official through court or is it a casual arrangement between her and your DH?
If it's not court ordered then I personally would go on the holiday anyway, offer her the day she will miss as an extra day when you're back in writing to show that you were being flexible if she did go to court over it. The school not authorising it doesn't mean you can't go, it just means you might get a fine.

If the one day a week contact is official through court then I'm not entirely sure what the legalities of you taking him anyway would be. You would be best speaking to a solicitor to see if it would cause any issues

Original poster

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 17:29

Her access is not court ordered although it would not matter anyway as if an alternative is offered then a magistrate wouldn’t be concerned unless contact is denied entirely. We have offered her 6 dates as alternatives despite not being overnight she has refused them, I’m honestly not sure why as no reason has been given. I just do not want my DSS (he is as much as my son as my own children are) to have any repercussions or there to be any unnecessary problems

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Lou98 · 08/05/2022 17:31

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 17:29

Her access is not court ordered although it would not matter anyway as if an alternative is offered then a magistrate wouldn’t be concerned unless contact is denied entirely. We have offered her 6 dates as alternatives despite not being overnight she has refused them, I’m honestly not sure why as no reason has been given. I just do not want my DSS (he is as much as my son as my own children are) to have any repercussions or there to be any unnecessary problems

In that case I would go anyway. It's not fair on him to miss out because his Mum is being difficult, she hasn't bothered with him this long.

The only repercussion that will come back may be a fine from the school. If she goes to court, you have evidence that you tried to offer alternative contact

Original poster

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 17:37

Yes you’re right, I’m being silly. I shouldn’t care what drama she brings to my life I just care about him & I’d absolutely hate for him to be in firing line of his Mum. I won’t move holiday will stick to my guns. Thanks

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BaaMoon · 08/05/2022 18:12

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 17:29

Her access is not court ordered although it would not matter anyway as if an alternative is offered then a magistrate wouldn’t be concerned unless contact is denied entirely. We have offered her 6 dates as alternatives despite not being overnight she has refused them, I’m honestly not sure why as no reason has been given. I just do not want my DSS (he is as much as my son as my own children are) to have any repercussions or there to be any unnecessary problems

Then I'd go.

Original poster

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 18:19

Thanks for reinforcing what I thought anyway. Some mothers do not deserve lovely children they have and as much as I absolutely hate the ‘wicked step mother’ theory some of us do a cracking job raising step children xx

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Littlepaws18 · 08/05/2022 21:03

If both parents with parental responsibility don't agree you may not be able to leave the country. All she has to do is contact the airline and he will not be allowed to leave the country.

It's utter hell when you don't have sole custody. My ex isn't allowed to see my child, but every time we leave the country I need notarised court documents to prove this.

My partner has two children also and when we all go away next year, his ex needs to give us written permission to do so. She has agreed but if she changes her mind they can't go. Equally we could do the same back, but it's something we would never do.

Littlepaws18 · 08/05/2022 21:08

Residency also doesn't mean you have relinquished her PR, which you mentioned earlier, so you need to take this into consideration as I mentioned earlier all she needs to do is make one phone call to the airline.

As for school, very few schools will ever authorise holidays as their attendance figures are not only judged but can put them in the inadequate category for Ofsted if not at national levels. They can't stop you, but it would always go down as unauthorised and in some circumstances generate a fine. (I'm a teacher so well versed in attendance issues)

Original poster

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 21:11

Littlepaws18 · 08/05/2022 21:03

If both parents with parental responsibility don't agree you may not be able to leave the country. All she has to do is contact the airline and he will not be allowed to leave the country.

It's utter hell when you don't have sole custody. My ex isn't allowed to see my child, but every time we leave the country I need notarised court documents to prove this.

My partner has two children also and when we all go away next year, his ex needs to give us written permission to do so. She has agreed but if she changes her mind they can't go. Equally we could do the same back, but it's something we would never do.

He has residency order so can leave country for up to 28 days without permission from other parent. I’m not concerned about the permission as we do not need it

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Original poster

Hollygolightly86 · 08/05/2022 21:13

Littlepaws18 · 08/05/2022 21:08

Residency also doesn't mean you have relinquished her PR, which you mentioned earlier, so you need to take this into consideration as I mentioned earlier all she needs to do is make one phone call to the airline.

As for school, very few schools will ever authorise holidays as their attendance figures are not only judged but can put them in the inadequate category for Ofsted if not at national levels. They can't stop you, but it would always go down as unauthorised and in some circumstances generate a fine. (I'm a teacher so well versed in attendance issues)

I didn’t say that relinquished PR, please read my posts

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