How much time do you spend with your stepkids?

[HandbagsnGladrags]

Am just interested to know if I'm unusual in that I don't really spend a lot of time with my stepson. He's 15 and stays with us three times a week. I don't have much in common with him and I don't really know how to relate to boys behind the superficial polite conversation (I have a grown up daughter, no sons). When he comes we eat meals together (with his dad) but I pretty much leave them to do stuff on their own for most of the time as he comes to see his dad, not me. So I will arrange to go and see my mum/out with friends when he's here, and some of my overnight work trips will be on nights he's here. I've been in his life for nearly 10 years but we only moved in together 4 years ago.

Am I unusual? Are you all more hands-on than me?

That sounds fine. Are you all happy with the set up? You’re giving him plenty of time with his dad which no one could complain about.

I think so, he seems happy enough. I guess the doubt in my mind is that my husband has been much more hands on with my daughter when she was younger. His choice, and not forced by me. I just don't have that same desire to be.

I think at 15 that sounds absolutely fine. If he's anything like the teen in mylife they don't want to hang around with their parents all day anyway. Does he spend a lot of time in his room?

Yeah, he did do until recently but seems to want to spend a lot of time downstairs at the minute.

I think that's fine, provided everyone is happy with it. My DSD is 12 and me, her and my DH all spend time together when she's here (3 days a week), but occasionally they two will go play golf together and other times just me and her go walk the dogs or cook together. The majority of the time though, we're all together playing on our respective phones

I think its fine as long as OP is happy with it.

It really depends on what else we have going on.

DSD (17) and DSS (12) are here 2 nights a week, plus EOW. I often do my own thing (see friends, go for a run, etc) but we’ll usually have meals
together and occasionally watch a movie, or have a day out.

The focus is them spending time with their dad, not me. I think we have a good balance at the moment, and it’s important they get their one on one time with DP.

I completely disengaged with my husband’s daughter around 15. I found her behaviour too much to deal with and have been virtually NC for over a year. You don’t have to like them .

He's not badly behaved, I just don't really feel the need to spend lots of time with him - he's not my kid. Seems like I'm not alone in that thought.

Well, they live here and are only with their Dad for a couple of nights every two weeks. They're also young (were 2 and 6 when I moved in, 7 and 12 now) so it would have been impractical not to be heavily involved. I suppose it could have been different if they were already teens.

the point is we function as a family unit. We also have a three year old together and I don't treat them any different. If anything I make extra effort with the 7 year old as the oldest one is very demanding (recently diagnosed with ADHD and little collection of additional challenges) so I don't want her to feel "middle-childed" whilst her older sister demands extra attention and her little sister gets all the focus from me.

The older girl also has a closer bond to her dad than the 7 year old does so I try and compensate for that as much as possible.

I don't there is a "correct" level of engagement. I think the best thing is to naturally fall into a pattern that works for everything. I don't trying to force a dynamic that isn't there onto a 15 year old would be a good thing for anything concerned.

I have a nice blend. Sometimes I watch a film / or do an activity with DSDs, sometimes we all sit the same room staring into our phones. But I also maintain my own social life so sometimes I have plans with friends when they are here and sometimes I'll be reading a book in my room or having a long soak in the bath if I want space.

Too much... 🤣

But no seriously I agree with PP, there is no correct level or amount. What will work for one family won't work for another. Don't see anything wrong with what you're doing and I'm much the same, don't have any interest really in hanging out with DSC and that's fine!

At 15 you don't really need to surely.