DSD is struggling

[user77283749]

Back story - my husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. We have 2 children together and her mum also has a child in her new relationship.

It's very difficult with DSD's mum, always has been. Husband cannot speak to her about concerns with DSD without getting shut down and abuse thrown back.

Recently DSD behaviour has just been really strange. She struggles with social situations when she would have usually thrived. Family visits or activities aren't enjoyable as they will usually get ruined with a melt down or something. We have suspected for a while that something is a little off but we aren't sure what and don't want to interrogate her when she visits.

My MIL has now mentioned that DSD said she doesn't feel she belongs to either family because she doesn't have her mum and dad together. They split before she was born so she hasn't experienced this, but she can witness it with friends and siblings.

Does anyone have experience with this ?
Is this just something she will have to work through with her parents and make sure her dad keeps checking in?

How old is she?

Counselling might be a good idea for her. If it is her place within the families that she is struggling with, then family therapy would also be a good option, but that's difficult to arrange if the parents aren't cooperative with one another.

She is 9.

Yes that's a good idea. Not sure how well it would go down is DH mentions it, but it's worth a try if it will help her.

My dds (both adults now) lived with me and saw dad on weekends I have another dc and their dad has 4 more plus 3 step kids from two families. My dds have experienced their half siblings gps favouring their 'real grandchildren' , divide in their dads family due to his relationship splits. Him taking they children who live with them on holidays but being unable to afford to include the rest of his children. My attention being more on my younger dc who has Sen. They have described feeling like they have scattered bits of family rather than a whole unit. The only real bonus they get is two lots of gifts at bdays/Xmas. My elder dc had counselling which has helped younger one chose not to.

What can you do to make her feel a part of the family, surely that's the place to start. Does she have her own room, one on one time with dad, are activities tailored for her or just the younger kids, does dad go to school plays etc, you get the idea. Why doesn't she feel at home with either family?

Poor kid -she needs some counselling.
As moodycow has said why doesn't she feel at home in both families. To her - her parents have moved on, got new families and she is left behind, not really wanted in either place.

Both her parents and their respective families need to make this child feel welcome and part of that family. Poor kid is lonely and very insecure- least she confided in her grandparent.

The adults here need to fix this for her and fast

I really have no idea. I feel we do the absolute most we can to make her feel part of our family and make her happy when she visits.
She has her own room, always has done and always will.
Activities when she visits are mostly based around her and keeping things exciting and fun for her as our children are very little. Visiting cousins/family that she loves playing with, swimming, play area's etc. She also absolutely adores her siblings, she is just amazing with them!

Every weekend that we have her, she will do something with her dad to have one-on-one time but I am now thinking that maybe that's too often? Maybe she feels they do things separate from her siblings so misses out on the family unit?

Our children are very young so we aren't doing any big family holidays or day trips that she is missing out on when she is with her mum.

It's just awful that she has said she feels like this but I'm not sure what else we can do that makes her feel more part of our family. It might have just been an emotional moment after an argument with her mum.

Lots of emotional growth around now and counselling sounds like a great idea.

Can DH not just arrange it when DD is with him? Of course ideally both parents should discuss and agree but it sounds like her mother will block this and it’s too important for that.

OP - change your narrative.

You say she is visiting - is she also visiting at her Mums .

If she is seen as the visitor in both houses because she comes and goes, no wonder she feels lost. They are both her homes- she is not visiting her Dad - she is being with her Dad like any kid should be able to.

She needs to be a big sister which sometimes involves being bored with her siblings aswell - it is not always party time!

Hi @user77283749 I really don't think this is anything that can be fixed - what has happened to your dsd is one of those life defining things, but that doesn't mean it has to be in a negative way.
I'm normally very pro adults getting on with their lives (post split) & kids being taught how to deal with the subsequent changes, but I think your dsd's type of situation is unbelievably difficult on the child, especially an 'only' child.
Your dsd moves between 2 houses where their are 2 intact families & all her half siblings live with both their parents - she really is the odd person out & is acutely feeling it. No matter what you do to make her feel part of the family that sense of 'otherness' is always going to be with her due to circumstances. This will only be compounded by the fact that her parents don't get on; in a situation such as this them not getting on really has her adrift in no man's land where I'd imagine she feels totally unimportant. In her head her parents can't even come together (metaphorically) to make her feel important; they fight over her (in her head) & then revert back to their 'families' where they seem perfectly happy. Can you imagine how this makes her feel especially as she has no other full sibling to share this load with?
I'd absolutely recommend therapy at some point in order for her to learn how to process her feelings. But to be honest what she really needs is for her mum & dad to get over themselves and to start acting in her best interests. In no way should they together start trying to replicate a family unit as that's not the reality of the situation, but they need to model good coparenting & to give your sds a sense of 'togetherness' in their parenting of her; they need to make her feel important to them without spoiling her with competitive parenting.
I also think they (& the wider family) need to acknowledge that dsd is in an unusual situation (within the family) & talk about it. Kids have never not benefitted from having their feelings validated & even people saying they understand how she must feel different because her situation IS different will help her enormously. She needs her feelings acknowledged & she needs to know that people understand how she feels.
This is not an easy fix as her sense of otherness is very real but it will be immensely helped by her parents if they can cop themselves on & work with her to acknowledge how she feels, all the while not letting her situation dictate her whole life & outlook.
This is a nuanced situation where her feelings need to be acknowledged and worked on with letting them dictate the workings of 2 families. This can be achieved but her parents REALLY need to get on the same page.

Yes I do agree. Visiting is the wrong word to be using.

I love this reply. Yes completely makes sense.

Unfortunately any concerns or conversation get completely shut down by DSD mum as "she has her all the time so he doesn't know anything about her" and "don't tell her how to parent"
I do understand that her mum probably takes DH's concerns or comments as a personal comment on her parenting even when DH repeatedly assures her that it isn't a personal dig. It is more the situation on both sides that will be effecting her, not parenting styles. But they should be able to work together to help her regardless of feelings.

This is a difficult situation. I am of the opinion that children need to have one home (whether that be with mum and dad) where they are the majority of the time. I don't agree with 50/50 split - this causes children to never feel settled - constantly packing a bag to take between houses - it would feel like she's being passed from pillar to post. When they turn up and there are half or step siblings who are always there then they don't feel apart of it. They then feel "at home" and belong somewhere. It's fantastic that she has her own bedroom with you - even if she didn't then this would be okay too. My two step children don't have their own room when they come over, they slot in to our two childrens rooms where they have their own bed and space.
I also agree that if she's constantly being treated to days out and activities centered around her will make her feel like she is the "visitor" and is being entertained. Just a weekend at home, cooking, baking, playing in the garden, helping washing cars etc can make her feel part of your "home life".
There's no right or wrong way of dealing with split/blended families, but hopefully it's a phase that she is going wrong and will settle down soon.

@ilovemyboys3 thank you for your reply. I do agree with the 1 home thing. She will always refer to places as "at my mums house..." or "at my dads" so maybe she doesn't feel like she has a proper home or a main living place like her siblings.

Yes looking back, I think we were trying too hard to make sure she had a fun weekend and also had time alone with her dad. Not just normal family time.

Yes it's sad when they have nowhere to refer to as "home" if it's mums or dads house. She doesn't feel like she belongs anywhere maybe.
My son is 7 and he stays with his dad once a week. Our home is very much his home. He has a safe space at his dads to call his own but he has always referred to our house as his home. His dad tried to push the whole "you have two homes" etc but my son doesn't feel that way. He feels welcome and happy when he's there and enjoys going but ultimately he knows and doesn't feel like that is his home. He therefore feels like he belongs at home and that's okay.

@ilovemyboys3 yes that completely makes sense! That's great your son feels comfortable with his situation, I really wish DSD felt the same. I hope you don't mind me asking but does your son have siblings on either side?
(As the step-mum, It's so nice to be able to get to the mothers side and point of view on this 👏🏼 )

Is there something you think we could do to enforce that her home at her mums is her main "home" and safe space but she also has a bedroom and loving family here? Suppose it's a fine line so she doesn't feel pushed out here as that's the opposite of what we went to be doing!

Yes my partner has two children that come and stay 1-2 nights a week. We also have a 17 month old between us and my son's dad has a 6 month old. Lots of siblings but they all just fit in and we don't push the "this is everyone's home" like my two step children feel welcome here but they call their mummy's house "home". We don't go over the top with my step children - we don't make a fuss - they don't get to chose everything whilst they are here - they muddle in with everyone and just slot back in when they arrive. We believe they don't need to be treated like "royalty" or make everything about them as I don't think it does them any favours as then they feel visitors or think they are more important when everyone is treated the same.
Maybe with your DSD just include her in daily life. Food shopping, chores and obviously do nice things, let her chose a meal once a week or something.
You are obviously very caring and you can only do what you feel is right. How often is she with you?

Your DSD is just 9, but here is something to read about a child who felt just like her. Particularly the not belonging to either home.

www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/ukrc2k/its_been_almost_10_years_since_ss_has_talked_to/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share