Disparity in finances

[TheGreatMrsCheese]

The long and short of it is, myself and DH are comfortable but not really well off or anything. My DSC mum is similar.

However my parents are quite wealthy and this means they like to spoil our DC and afford them certain things like taking them on big holidays, making significant contributions to savings for them, big presents at Christmas and birthdays, various treats throughout the year, even things like they paid to have their room done.

I know my husband feels bad about this sometimes but my argument is I don't see why my DC should miss out on things. My DSC do have their own grandparents on their mum's side who can do whatever they like with them and it's none of our business, why can't our DC have the same? I'm not going to tell grandparents they can't spoil their grandchildren if they want to.

How do we manage this?

Of course you shouldn’t tell your parents not to spoil your DCs, but I will say that I always loved how my XP’s grandad would send me and my kids the same money for Xmas that he sent to DP and his kids. The rest to his family didn’t even acknowledge my DCs at Xmas, (except for one sibling who gave them a small but thoughtful gift) but the fact that his grandad treated them all the same was really kind.

I don’t think it should necessarily be equal all the time, because as you say they have their own family to spoil them. And it would also depend for me whether your SDCs ever spend time with your DPs and how often they’re with you etc. When they paid to decorate your DCs rooms does that mean that the SDCs don’t have a nice room when they come to stay or did you pay for that to be done?

If you want to make sure your DCs still benefit but that the SDCs don’t miss out, with the holidays for example, could you put the amount of money they give you towards a holiday for all of you? Or maybe ask for Xmas gifts like garden play equipment that will benefit all the children?

Your husband needs to treat all his children equally in terms of time and resources, he can't dictate that others do the same.

I'm also think, with the exception of birthdays, all the children together should be treated the same. So if your parents came round when your husbands other children are also there and treats given out should be equal-f not save them for another time.

Does your DH benefit from your parents in terms of holidays?

Sorry for the typos!

No, your parents can treat your children as much as they want. There is no expectation for them to do the same for the SC. As you’ve already said, they will get stuff from their own family.

I’m quite a few years down the line from
you (hopefully). Does your DH expect your parents to leave his DC/your SDC equal amounts in their wills?

your DH has some growing up to do. He’s the only person in this picture who has got himself into a “tricky” situation, having children with two different mothers. What did he think would happen? It’s his problem for him to deal with. It’s none of your business, really, and certainly not your DPs’ (unless they want it to be).

Of course your parents need to be kind and treat your SC similarly.

At Christmas, birthdays they should all get presents, it does not have to be exactly the same, the grandparents are not the step child's biological grandparents so they don't need to be setting up savings accounts and paying 1000s for holidays for them.

Does your DH benefit from your parents in terms of holidays?

He's been before yes. It's been a mix of him coming, me just going with them and our DC or our DC going with them by themselves.

He and DSC have also benefitted due to the fact they gave us money toward our house.

They do all get presents at birthday and Christmas but our DC get a lot more spent on them.

We have this too. My parents are very generous, I wouldn't say massively well off but comfortable. Last year my 8 year old got a new iPad from my parents. My husband said he feels bad for his children that they don't get that. My parents still spend a good £50-60 on my two step Children and they got a nice present not just a token. I said at the time that it's not like my step children don't have these things. We have our own two children as well and he's worried that his two (my step children) will feel they are treated differently but they do have their mum and grandparents and her husbands parents and family so they aren't mistreated.

I actually think he just needs to be open and honest that they will be treated differently by people who aren’t him because they have different families. They have a parent, and a house and a probably an extended family that they don’t share with your children.

They can understand that they get presents from Mum and Uncle Tim and Nan and grandad (and so on) but little Rosie doesn’t. She’s got her own mum and Auntie Rachel, Uncle Jamie, Grandma and Grandad. They all share him and he treats them fairly (because there are always differences - they may well be much older than Rosie and actually get more spent on them because the stuff the like costs more than toddler plastic tat).

This means that HE needs to get over the obvious effects of his choices. And then be totally pragmatic and even positive with his children about the fact that they share him and all spend EOW together (with you) but there are some differences. Isn’t it great how the older children have a dog at mum’s house or went to visit Uncle Tim in London at half term (or whatever)!

I think, all too often, people fixated on the idea that SC are ‘missing out’ (especially if their SM and her family are more affluent or generous than their mother and her family) and seem to think that the differences within a complex stepfamily need to be hidden lest the SC feel bad. Everything would be much better if it were all open and the differences were framed positively.

This is how it is with blended families.
At home (before the older kids grew up and left) everyone was treated pretty equally.
But my DSC have had many cash handouts from their maternal grandparents and the house I inherited from my Mum will go directly to my DD. None of us feel that's wrong or unfair. My SC's also stand to get fairly generous legacies from their Granny. My DD isn't related so won't benefit and that's fine!

It's absolutely fine, you certainly can't ask the GP to spend more on unrelated children and it wouldn't be right to ask them to reign it in with their own DCG. A few strategies we have to make christmas etc a bit less awkward but it depends on where children are at the time. These only really apply if all kids are there opening gifts at same time.

1. Money gifts - cheque or bank transfer are best so wads of cash don't fall out one child's envelope but just a fiver from the others
2. Keep aside anything particularly massive to open with the grandparents if they aren't there.
3. All open your presents at the same time rather than one by one watching who gets what.

Thanks! Good to see most seem to agree.

I'm not comfortable allowing my children to miss out on things just for some perceived notion of fairness tbh! As I can't expect my parents to do exactly the same for DSC as they do my DC, that's what it would come down to, them all getting nothing / not as much and I don't see why our DC shouldn't get what they do (providing my DPs want to give it obviously!).

Yes this is exactly how I see it. Also its not on to start telling people how to view your stepchildren 's place in their family. It's a process that can't be forced or it will seem weird and fake to the DSC.

even things like they paid to have their room done. I think out of all your examples this is the only one I would be uncomfortable with if it meant their room was AMAZING and the DSC's was just the basics. I don't know why but it's the only thing you've written that would make me personally a little uncomfortable. But even then that could be fixed by DH spending a little bit on jazzing up their room a tad. New paint on the walls and a new duvet cover or something.

Is it holidays etc that your OH is objecting to? Ask him to explain exactly what the alternative would look like. Then maybe the penny will drop that there isn’t really a viable alternative.

They do all get presents at birthday and Christmas but our DC get a lot more spent on them.

^ this is as it should be. It's not your parents' job to make your husband feel better about having children with different mothers. The children themselves will notice but it's a life lesson that life quite simply isn't fair!

Hmm. Difficult. When I was with a partner who had children, my DPs didn't spend as much on them as my DD. They have very wealthy GPs themselves and stand to inherit a lot of money. They are also treated vastly better than my DD by their shared GPs. It seemed fair my DPs redressed the balance somewhat.

Now DHs family have our shared kids plus my DD and treat them all identically in terms of finances and time / care and I'm truly grateful. They do know how shit her other GM is though and hate that she is made to feel second class by her. Redressing the balance again, I'd say.

Completely agree with this - this is a "you knew what you were getting yourself into" situation, for your DH. Presumably he knew your parents were well off and that they would have a different relationship with the children he had with you, their daughter, to what they have with his other kids.

We have a similar situation and my DP would never think to complain about it. The giving the GC gifts but not the SGC thing never comes up because DSS is never there when they come to see DD.

The holidays are always going to be an issue - if he takes most of his holidays to go on holiday with your parents, you and DC - when does he get to take the SDC on holiday.
My Ex would have a week at Easter with new DP family always in the middle making it hell for me to take them away or give him time with them and 2 weeks in the summer which then mean with odd days here and there he never had time to take his DCs away - that is then very unfair.

Presents are a suck it up - be clear they are from grandparents and not from him

What is your DH asking or suggesting on this, OP? Has he said he think it should stop or his DC should get the same or joint DC should get smaller gifts?

He thinks our DC should get less spoilt so it's not as obvious.

I think this is difficult and I think on one side I can understand why they want to do it but on the othrt side they make your step children feel less important and like second class citizens, and they are making it very obvious.

I understand why you want your child to get more and don’t care so much about what the step kids get, but I can also see why your husband wants them treated equally as you are a blended family.

I think on balance I am with your husband.

This is ignoring the other half of the SC’s family though.

The SC don’t have to feel excluded because someone else’s grandparents only spent £50 on them at Christmas. 🙄

The op hasn’t said if the other grandparents are also wealthy. I just think on balance the grandparents should respect they are now a family and treat the kids fairly equally and not make a very clear differentiator, it leads to envy and disparity, and for the kids who get less feeling shit.