How would you feel as the step parent in this situation?

[Jinxed1993]

Hi everyone, I'm just looking for an outside perspective on my situation. Any and all replies are welcome even critical ones.

A good few years ago I had a brief relationship with a man who is not even from the same country as me, he was travelling here regularly for work. He got me pregnant and then disclosed that he's actually married with three kids and can't help me. I was in shock and very confused. He wanted me to have an abortion but I couldn't do it. He has met our daughter once when she was just a couple of months old and since then we've had no contact. He doesn't help in any way financially either and afaik nobody on his side of the family know about my daughter's existence. I've never asked him for anything and have no desire to ruin his family.

Fast forward a bit and I met a great guy who also has a daughter from a previous relationship and now we're married. He is so good to me and my daughter and treats her like his own. The problem is I've told him limited information about her father and his circumstances. I've only told him that it was a brief relationship, he's not in the picture and neither is his side of the family and he lives in another country. The reason for not disclosing the full story is because in the beginning I didn't want to give too much info in case things didn't work out and it's a rather personal thing between my and my daughter. As I got to know him better I came to learn he has a habit of over sharing with his mother and he has a large extended family who treat their lives like a soap opera and constantly gossip and tell eachother things. He shares things with her innocently thinking she won't tell anyone but you know how these things are - "guess what I heard but you can't tell anyone" kind of thing and before you know it everyone knows. It's the only thing about him that bothers me, everything else in our marriage is going great. I really don't want my daughter finding this out before I tell her. I don't want her knowing she has other siblings until the time is right and she's old enough to process the information.

But I feel like I'm lying to my husband, I feel guilt for keeping this secret from him. I fear for the future when I eventually have to tell him. I fear he'll feel betrayed. Am I doing the right thing in lying by omission to protect my daughter or should I come clean? If you were the step parent in this situation how would you feel about that being hidden from you for years

I'm not sure how you are keeping a secret, given that you've told him the facts (brief relationship, not in the same country, no contact) - what is it that you feel you are being secretive about?

If I were anywhere near, or married, yes, I would want to know the full facts and I would expect to be told not to tell anyone else. I would hate to find out something when married of a certain magnitude, however, I'm not sure you're being secretive in the first place?

But what are you lying about? What part of the fuller story do you think really matters? You have been 'economical' with the truth, not outright lying.
If the more details are that the father is foreign and is married and has nothing to do with your child - I don't see anything in that that would freak anyone out. In fact I'd be happier knowing there was minimal chance this guy would suddenly show up and want a relationship.

You’re not keeping secrets from him, it’s none of his business. Plus you have a good reason for not telling him. I couldn’t be married to a man who can’t be trusted to blab my secrets to his entire family.

I feel I'm being secretive by omitting certain details. I trust that my husband wouldn't intentionally tell anyone but he has no filter and I fear details would slip out and my daughter would learn second hand at an inappropriate age that she has a whole other side of the family including three half siblings that doesn't know she exists. I'd imagine it would be a hard thing to deal with especially when young and I want to ensure she only hears it from me. I read something the other day about how lying by omission is still lying and can damage relationships and it's been heavily on my mind since and I'm wondering how my husband will react in years to come when I finally tell him and my daughter.

He already knows the father is foreign (wouldn't even call him foreign tbh as he's English and I'm Irish) he just doesn't know that he was married with children. It's not that I'm ashamed of it as I genuinely didn't know at all until it was too late I just don't want that information reaching my daughter before she's old enough to handle knowing herself. The way I see it is that it's her business she's the one who will be affected by this and it's her decision who knows and who doesn't

Oh trust me it can be annoying at times. He has gotten better at keeping his mother on a low information diet and I don't have any secrets to blab anyway just this one big one and that's why I'm guarding it so closely.

In the past adopted children were supposed to wait until they were 18 before the Big Reveal. It is now thought that is extremely upsetting and better to drop it in from a young age. Not your situation, but similar.

Perhaps you are carrying guilt that you are a marriage wrecker. From what you say that is not the case, your child's biological father is the chump (being polite).

Presumably your daughter may have more than three half siblings?

If you want to protect your daughter from shock and perhaps shame, it might be better to introduce the extra family subject sooner rather than later. Are there books on how to introduce difficult topics to children? She does already have a step sibling, so the concept isn't completely alien.

It is a difficult situation with your in laws. There is a balance between sharing and oversharing.

Sorry no useful advice, maybe talk with a trusted discreet professional, like her HT?

Thanks for your reply. I wasn't planning on holding it in until she was 18 but slowly releasing the information and trying to make it as age appropriate as possible. She could have more half siblings that I just don't know about, I doubt I was the only one he did this with. I'm not ashamed as I honestly didn't know until it was too late but there is always the thought that for a while I was "the other woman" which I don't like to think about too much because it was never my intention and absolutely does not define me. I think a therapist is good idea and definitely something I'll look into.

I honestly think this is information your daughter should grow up just knowing.

My dad is actually my stepdad, and as much as I hate it I've made sure my children always knew in the background. Then when they were old enough to understand step families it wouldn't be a shock.

My stepdad is their grandad in every way that matters. He's been there for their whole life, but I just feel it's important that they know the makeup of their family, even though they will never meet certain members.

I don't really think it matters that your husband doesn't know every detail, he knows enough. it doesn't really impact him.

She knows that my husband is not her dad. She calls him by his name and not "dad". For the first few years of her life we lived with my parents and she still remembers that. I'll never lie to her and try and pass her step dad off as her bio father. My plan is to slowly tell her age appropriate information as time goes on about her bio father and his circumstances. But as I said I just don't want some other family blurting it out to her before I get the chance to explain properly.

Has your husband ever asked for more information?

The thing is OP that the full story doesn’t include any vital info that the partial story could not possibly imply anyway - in short, even if he wasn’t married with a family when you got pregnant, there’s no reason to that he would not have married someone else and had children after you hot pregnant.

´think’ is missing from my post.
It should say ´no reason to think that…’

He has asked what our relationship was like and I told him it was very brief and we didn't know eachother very well which is all true. He's also asked why it ended and why he left and I told him he has his whole life in England and didn't want to be tied down here. This is where I lied by omission - by telling him "his whole life is in England" I technically told the truth without going into the finer detail and he didn't even ask for more detail.

I think its fine. If he hasn't asked about siblings it's fine. I honestly can't see why he'd be upset about it if he found out at the same time as your little one.

OP, first of all, your daughter's father being married has absolutely no relevance to your DH. I wouldn't even think you are hiding it, it is not the information that should concern him.
In regards to your daughter-I would prioritise her wellbeing over 'truth'. He has no contact with her, neither do biological half siblings. It is exceptionally unlikely she will benefit from this knowledge and develop any meaningful and pleasant relationship with her relatives. Of course you have time to consider all this.

I would agree with @Iwonder08.
The truth isn't always necessarily what's best.
I have a friend in a very similar position to you @Jinxed1993 and she has chosen not to give her dd any extra info regarding her dad. She knows full well that he has no interest in meeting his dd & has no interest in his family meeting her.
Like you it was an affair & he also wanted my friend to get an abortion. My friend didn't want to & so he made it perfectly clear that was her choice & he wanted no contact.
To this end my friend feels it would cause her dd more heartache knowing she has family who don't want her or even know of her existence than not knowing her dad. Her dd is 16 now and my friend has not heard from this man in 16 years & knows she won't.
My friend has told no family (including her dh) the full story as she's afraid they might let it slip. As far as my friend is concerned the circumstances of her dd's conception are in the past & that's where she's keeping them.

Wow, thank you for your reply. It's very reassuring to know I'm not the only one in this situation.

@Iwonder08 I have thought about this before. I know it will be an incredibly difficult thing for a young mind to process and often wondered would it be best to just give her the watered down version I gave to dh. Anything I've read about what to tell children with absent fathers has always said be 100% honest and give all the information while being age appropriate but eventually tell them absolutely everything. It made me feel bad for even thinking about leaving out some information. I'm sure when the time comes I'll know what to say.

You sound like such a great mum and I'm happy you found a good man.

Hi @Jinxed1993 - sorry I had to cut that off as I got interrupted.
I also meant to say that my friend opted not to tell family (& most friends) the 'truth' as she didn't know what she would be prepared to tell her dd. Aside from not wanting anyone to let it slip she also felt if dd didn't know the full story then it would be wrong & unfair on dd for other family members to know.
She has chosen not to tell her dd the full story & is now glad she kept it to herself.
So my advice would be say nothing until you're sure what you will tell dd in the future. If you do choose to tell dd everything then tell your dh if you want. If he cannot understand that you chose not to share something so integral to your dd's being/identity with him before you even shared it with dd then that's on him.
My friend told me & one other friend as she needed support but felt it would be very wrong to have people close to dd knowing more about her than dd might know herself.

You're not lying about anything, it's not even lying by omission. You don't have to tell him every single detail of your life, you gave him the main facts, would he really be shocked to learn the father of your daughter, who you haven't seen in years, has other children. Or is it the fact he was married while you were together, but that doesn't matter and wasn't something you knew about. You're overthinking this. When the time comes it probably won't come as any shock to your DC her father has other kids.

@Moodycow78 thanks, you're right I'm definitely over thinking it and it's not as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be. Reading replies was surprising to me as I thought I would have had people tell me how awful I am for not being 100% open with my husband about things in my past.