Fine or not fine?

[Hugs4All]

I can't work out if I'm unreasonable or not for getting wound up about this situation but basically I feel like my husband 'treats' my DSC way too often and spends money on them too much without doing the same for our DC.

They live with us 50% of the time and we also share 1 child who is 2.

I work less hours so I tend to take on most of the drudge with regards to the children, all of them.

Basically whenever they are here my husband buys them things. I don't mean bog standard necessities like food or even sweets etc.. but actual treat items like new games, new clothes (not clothes they need but things they want), he can spend like £50 on just one treat item which is fine every now and then but it's all the time.

He makes a big show of getting them on the sofa with him and choosing something. He loves doing it and I get it, I like buying things for our DC sometimes too but not so often and such unnecessary stuff!

It's his own money so I guess that's fine but it also annoys me as we don't have many luxuries, we aren't super well off by any means and he's going blowing £50 here and there on treats all the time.

The other thing that annoys me is this never extends to our child. Of course they are younger so treat buying for them would be different. But he's never taken them to choose a new toy or something when he does this with my DSC

Our DC is too young to notice much right now but that will soon change.

AIBU to think 1. He shouldn't be buying stuff like this so often but also 2. If he does, he should also be treating his other DC that we share too. Not all the time but at least some of the time.

It absolutely needs to be fair for his children. His older kids aren't like royal visitors.

This is exactly what it feels like. Little VIPs arriving and being spoilt all the time.

So 3 issues.

1. The Disney dad attitude. ask him what happens when the request stops being for a 50 quid football Jersey and is instead a 10000 car? Or a 1000 iPhone ect. If they have always been handed what they want they will continue to expect this.

1. The exclusion of the younger child, yes this is an issue. My DS is the same age and as you said wouldnt massively notice but a 3 year old will make that connection a hell of a lot faster. Every time DSS is here they get new cars, games, clothes ect. I want presents, it's a good way to build resentment between the kids.

1. How are your finances divided. If you are working part time for childcare then the family finances should be joined. Meaning he doesnt get to make unilateral decisions regarding big purchases. What would happen if you went and bought a 50 quid scooter for DC or swing set. Would he be pissed off? More importantly do you have access to shared money where you get to make the same decisions as him. If it's a case of his money and your money I think you need to rethink the part time, let him sort out his kids childcare and start becoming less financially depended upon him.

They should all get something. The little ones will be financially less due to age.
Have you got your home (if you own it) as tenants in common with you willing all to your own child ?

We do own our own home and he's my half will be going to our child.

Slightly different but my MIL does this, the only time my DC sees her is when we have DSS. DSS gets clothes and gifts bought for him and comes back clutching them, my eldest is preschool age now and always looks really disappointed. Once or twice he’s tried to have a look and been told by DSS they’re not his, which they aren’t and MIL will say “oh I should have got him something” but she doesn’t.

My point is your child will notice and it’s really sad being treated like the underdog. I suspect as my DC grows older he will start to question it more. You don’t just offer one person a biscuit - the principle is the same.

YANBU OP. He’s trying to buy their happiness and be cool. And he setting himself and them up for problems in the future. £50 is a huge amount to spend on a treat for no reason, especially regularly. Can you talk to him about why he does it and how sustainable it is, plus the messages it’s sending to the DSCs?

@HotDogKetchup Your MIL sounds like a peach - can’t be bothered to see your child unless DSS is over and then no treats for him anyway. I wouldn’t impressed with this. What does your DH say about it?