Struggling

[Hamnetsdad]

I’m finding it really full on when the dsc arrive. DH’s family are always desperate to see them, so we have to see someone on at least one full day of the weekend. DH likes us to do things as a family, so I feel obligated to go.

On top of that, the dsc like to FaceTime and Skype DH’s relatives on their iPads, so I can walk into a room and find that I’m visible in my pyjamas to DH’s dad.

On Friday night, his ds, 9, was on a loud FaceTime call in the living room to his granddad at 9pm. DH thought it was fine and perfectly normal and that no one was in the living room - so there’s no issue. But it meant that I felt I couldn’t go into the room. Last night he was in the kitchen FaceTiming grandma who we are seeing today. DH commented that grandma was a bit drunk and I said that was probably because it was a Saturday evening! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the children speaking to their family, but the evening I think should be adult time.

This morning, dss is already FaceTiming grandma again - even though we are seeing her today for Sunday lunch.

Yesterday I arranged to go for a walk with my friend and bring my teen dd. DH ended up wanting to come and brought 6 year old dsd and 9 year old dss, which changed the dynamic and meant we couldn’t do the long walk we planned.

I like the DSC a lot but I’m finding it a bit suffocating. DH said yesterday that we argue more when they are here and it taints his relationship with his children, which makes me feel awful! They are lovely children. I’m just struggling with how full on it is when they are here and I need time to do things for myself. Anyone have any thoughts or experiences?

Definitely not unreasonable to make the kitchen the place for these calls and ask for headphones to be worn every time.

Did no one ask DSS to stop when he made a phone call in the middle of lunch? So rude! Especially as it was to his Grandma’s ex husband.

You should definitely set some rock hard boundaries around doing your own thing at weekends. And no to them tagging along. Your time with your DC is also precious. Is your DH using you to make his time with his children easier to manage? He can go and visit his family without you, too, most times.

I’d step right back. Don’t drop out of things completely but just live a life that doesn’t revolve around DH expectations on these weekends. He’s making it all much harder than it needs to be!

Step parenting is such a juggling act.

I wonder if whilst at their mums they aren't allowed to talk about your husbands family or call them, so when they are at yours they are just so excited to talk to them about everything they haven't been able to tell them!
Not at all unreasonable to ask them to only facetime from bedrooms/kitchen and set some boundaries of times for the calls if it's imposing on your family time.
We used to spend alot of time with the inlaws, which I didn't mind at the time, but I'm sure if it had taken over our weekends for the foreseeable future I would have felt differently. I think OH felt so terrible their time was now limited with his children, due to the way his ex has controlled contact, he wanted to make sure his parents saw them as much as possible, with little thought of us needing to work on our own blended family unit .
From personal experience, I would encourage setting some boundaries now and make sure you/your own children don't miss out on time with each other and doing things you enjoy, to make it easier for your oh and SC.

They are definitely not allowed to call DH or his family while they are at their mums, other than a single court ordered Skype call where the signal is always terrible and the dc are usually eating 🙄So that makes sense actually.

The calls are a lot, but DH says they aren’t doing any harm. Dss didn’t call his grandad in the middle of lunch, it was after lunch had finished. I’m sure grandma did not want to hear her ex, but in fairness dss went in a different room.

I'll try to get more of a balance going forward, with time as a family and time separately.

I’ve just had to suggest to DH that perhaps his 9 year old ds shouldn’t be calling granny and grandpa for long chats until 10 pm. I do think there should be an earlier cut off. He shares a room with my Ds and has been on the same call for over an hour. I suspect granny and grandpa are getting a bit fed up - especially as he’s spending the day with them tomorrow.

What did DH say? Apart from anything else, that’s way too late for bed. Does he not have a routine with some screen-free quiet time before bed?

He’s agreed now. He thought the phone was a novelty and ds would get bored of it. Also because it’s only every other weekend he has them - he feels he has to be the permissive parent…
I told him it was unacceptable and that it was poor parenting and he needed boundaries. He’s agreed. I also said Ds needs headphones.