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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Struggling

31 replies

Hamnetsdad · 01/05/2022 10:21

I’m finding it really full on when the dsc arrive. DH’s family are always desperate to see them, so we have to see someone on at least one full day of the weekend. DH likes us to do things as a family, so I feel obligated to go.

On top of that, the dsc like to FaceTime and Skype DH’s relatives on their iPads, so I can walk into a room and find that I’m visible in my pyjamas to DH’s dad.

On Friday night, his ds, 9, was on a loud FaceTime call in the living room to his granddad at 9pm. DH thought it was fine and perfectly normal and that no one was in the living room - so there’s no issue. But it meant that I felt I couldn’t go into the room. Last night he was in the kitchen FaceTiming grandma who we are seeing today. DH commented that grandma was a bit drunk and I said that was probably because it was a Saturday evening! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the children speaking to their family, but the evening I think should be adult time.

This morning, dss is already FaceTiming grandma again - even though we are seeing her today for Sunday lunch.

Yesterday I arranged to go for a walk with my friend and bring my teen dd. DH ended up wanting to come and brought 6 year old dsd and 9 year old dss, which changed the dynamic and meant we couldn’t do the long walk we planned.

I like the DSC a lot but I’m finding it a bit suffocating. DH said yesterday that we argue more when they are here and it taints his relationship with his children, which makes me feel awful! They are lovely children. I’m just struggling with how full on it is when they are here and I need time to do things for myself. Anyone have any thoughts or experiences?

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Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 01/05/2022 10:47

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts? It all sounds a bit petty when I write it down🙈

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Tigertealeaves · 01/05/2022 11:04

Don't feel awful.
You are allowed boundaries.

It's totally reasonable to say you're planning activity/long walk that is only suitable for adults and teens. He may sulk. He will get over it. He wants to come - sorry DP, we are really keen to walk X route and the kids didn't manage it last time. Why should your DD be forced to only do 6 year old activities?

The FaceTime calls sound like they need to be taking place in bedrooms.

Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 01/05/2022 11:12

The problem is that dss shares a room with my Ds when he stays - though my Dd usually has headphones on playing on his computer. So I appreciate dss might not want to make a call in there when my Dd is there. But we have a summerhouse and a large kitchen area he could go. Or just make the calls during the day not in the evening.

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Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 01/05/2022 11:13

Dd should say ds there sorry.

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Gowithme · 01/05/2022 11:15

Why don't you just ask him to facetime in the kitchen in future??

Maydaysoonenough · 01/05/2022 11:16

Get a Bluetooth speaker for the room you are in and play music. Remind dss you are busy in there and can he go elsewhere.. He isn't God. You can put yourself first in your home.
And spend more time with just your own dc...

Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 01/05/2022 11:17

I have done. It’s difficult though because the children still seem to wander all over the house with their devices. I’ve said to DH the kitchen is better, so hopefully that sorts that out.

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Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 01/05/2022 11:18

They also have a court ordered Skype call every weekend they are here with their mum, which is obviously fine - but that can last about 30 minutes, on top of all the calls to various relatives.

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aSofaNearYou · 01/05/2022 11:23

Your DH is being suffocating. He's aware you argue more when he's there, now he needs to go a step further and understand why rather than just blaming you. They are intense and he's not allowing you to get the breathing space you need. He needs to respect it if you say you want to go for a private walk with friends or don't fancy going to his relatives. Ideally it would be good if he could also encourage his son to facetime his grandma in a different room - not a big ask at all, and would go a long way to make it less stressful for you.

If he can't do any of these things then he needs to understand that he is the problem.

Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 01/05/2022 11:33

Thank you. I felt terrible when DH said it was tainting his relationship with his dc. I asked what we could do about it and he said I should stop being argumentative when they are over!

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aSofaNearYou · 01/05/2022 11:36

Hamnetsdad · 01/05/2022 11:33

Thank you. I felt terrible when DH said it was tainting his relationship with his dc. I asked what we could do about it and he said I should stop being argumentative when they are over!

This is really irritating. Does he realise his part in it at all?

Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 01/05/2022 11:36

No, he does t see it.

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PeekAtYou · 01/05/2022 11:42

Yanbu to feel overwhelmed.

Time for a discussion with your h. He knows that you argue more but it sounds like he thinks that you are solely to blame.

It is healthy and normal to do things separately. I would be telling him that you will go to visit your ILs once a month/every other visit or whatever suits you. I'm guessing that coming on the walk was another way of enforced while family time. If you go out alone or just with your child then that needs to be accepted and not hijacked.

My kids are teens and if I found myself living with a 9yo again then I would tell them to FT in the kitchen if I wanted to use the living room. Isn't 9pm close to bedtime ? Your FIL catching you in PJs is just life but I would be gently encouraging use of another house area if I wanted to watch unsuitable tv or something.

The meet-ups and constant FT with relatives (not the mum) sounds intense but that's how your h wants to parent and have his kids bond with side of the family so I would let that go. Do the kids know know to FT early in the morning? Adults would be more annoyed by an early call however much they adore the grandkids. But this is on your h to teach them manners.

BungleandGeorge · 01/05/2022 11:43

Not unreasonable to ask to FaceTime in a set room. I think you have to accept that video calls are just what kids do though. It is irritating but if they’ve got the device pointing at them you can’t actually see a great deal of anything around them. How often are they with you? Every weekend or less than that?

Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 01/05/2022 11:47

Only every other weekend and a teatime, plus holidays. It’s intense and pressured because DH has an ex who has been obstructive with contact - so I do understand he feels that he wants to make the most of the time he does have.

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Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 01/05/2022 11:48

It’s actually less pressured during holiday contact, because it becomes more like normal life.

My dc have never done the video calls so it’s not something I’m used to. It’s absolutely fine of course and I think having a set room to call from would work best.

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SoggyPaper · 01/05/2022 12:22

aSofaNearYou · 01/05/2022 11:36

This is really irritating. Does he realise his part in it at all?

Show quote history

Exactly. He’s tainting it by making everything so stressful and intense.

ilovemyboys3 · 01/05/2022 12:29

Yes I hate it when children (mine and my dsc) FaceTime in the living room. So much so that they don't. I don't want to be caught on camera or feel like I cant say anything because I'll be heard and that's not nice. Simply make a rule of FaceTiming in bedrooms; that's what we do and it works well. I know how you feel about feeling suffocated when his children are round. I don't feel like my house is my home when my step children are round as they lounge on the sofa, sit where I usually do, take over the tele etc.

LightningAndRainbows · 01/05/2022 15:30

ilovemyboys3 · 01/05/2022 12:29

I agree we have the same rule. And as for the visiting someone every weekend don't feel obliged to tag along.

forrestgreen · 01/05/2022 15:33

Try and pretend their your nephews etc and think what would happen. Here I'd say 'I'm putting the radio on in here, please can you call from x room'
'Oh we've planned to do the long walk, did you want to walk a different route with the dsc, or will you go to the park'

Frame everything positively and give them suitable alternatives. So it's not just crash your things

Jenniedontbehasty · 01/05/2022 15:36

This is the reality of building a life with someone who has children. It’s bloody hard work. It only really gets easier when the children become adults, in my experience. And that was with a good relationship with my husband’s ex partner.

I don’t really have any constructive advice. It is what it is, but I feel for you, it’s not easy 💐

Imogensmumma · 01/05/2022 15:46

Reminds me of my life. My DP has so much guilt over his relationship with his ex breaking up and his DS’s having two homes that he spoils the boys. Up late, loud, yelling eating badly and taking over the tv. I find weekends when they are over full on and we argue more too as I think he doesn’t parent enough as he wants to be super fun cool dad without thinking about how that impacts others in the house

Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 01/05/2022 15:51

I have three dc of my own, all teens, so I don’t think I have unrealistic expectations or anything. I think going once a month on the whole family outings might be good.

dss now has a new phone so was phoning his grandad while we were having lunch at his grandmas… grandparents are divorced so it means DH has to split his time, putting more pressure on those weekends.

He does have a lot of guilt, I think because he had four months where ex wife stopped him seeing the dc. He has had to go to court many times to get contact as she kept breaking the order. He feels guilty on behalf of his family too and so bends over backwards to make sure that he supports that relationship. None of which is a bad thing of course.

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NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 01/05/2022 15:51

DH said yesterday that we argue more when they are here and it taints his relationship with his children, which makes me feel awful!

And this is not his fault at all - all the arguments are on you because you should just shut up and put up when the DSCs are around?!

He is the problem in expecting you to just absorb the extra people, their odd habits and different time schedules and to change your social activities in order that he never has a bad moment with his children. He needs to be making more effort to integrate his children into your home dynamic; he needs to stop blaming you for 'tainting' his time with his children; and you need to stop feeling guilty because things aren't perfect.

Original poster

Hamnetsdad · 01/05/2022 15:52

I think what upset me is being told that his relationship with the dc was tainted because I was argumentative- without considering he had a part to play.

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