Driving me mad

[Marmitefig]

Hi.
I live with my partner and his “adult” son. He doesn’t work and his dad is more than happy to pay for everything he needs, including his mobile phone and computer games. I have put up with this situation for 3 years now and am finally at my wits end. I can barely bring myself to talk to my step son. If he was to move out things would be fine but I’m so tempted to just leave and move into somewhere on my own. I can’t really talk to my partner about it as he is totally oblivious to how I feel. Is an ultimatum the only option?

You don't have much of a relationship if you can't even communicate how you feel about things. Cut your losses and get out, because this situation isn't going to be changing.

You can’t really go from him being oblivious to an ultimatum; you need to talk to him about it first and do baby steps essentially if his son isn’t used to being independent. I’m also not sure an ultimatum really ever works out well in the end with the resentment it causes.
Im also going to gently point out that this situation isn’t your DSS fault and Is the making of his dad

OK, I'll bite the bullet. Why? Why doesn't he work, why doesn't Dad worry about that? Special needs or family trust fund?

You say 'adult'. Teens, 20s, 30s?

No point in an ultimatum. The problem is your partners choices and attitude. You’d be better off finding someone who is more suitable for you.

Loads of people have fooled themselves that the relationship would be great if not for Z, Y or Z. But actually, it usually wouldn’t. The situation provides a convenient distraction so you don’t notice that you’re or compatible or whatever.

psychcentral.com/blog/should-you-ever-give-an-ultimatum-in-a-relationship#navigating-ultimatums

Probably no to an ultimatum, see above. You might get away with 'our relationship is unlikely to prosper unless we get counselling'.

You are likely dealing with Failure to Launch. Not unheard of in people with ADHD. If that is the problem, there's often a genetic element and DP may also be affected - which may explain the sweet obliviousness.

FTL is more easily sorted in the teens and early 20s. Leave it later and it will feel like pushing a car up a steep hill. You will need professional help for all 3 of you... DP to recognise there is a problem, DSS to face fixing it, and you to withstand the pushback and the family fallout over the changes required to make a launch happen.

How strong are you feeling? Do you have good support networks for yourself?

Move out and leave his loser son behind. Tell your dp exactly why too.