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Original poster

Having to pay for everything

68 replies

PurpleHouse12 · 25/04/2022 20:04

Does anyone else find this?

My husband has older DC with his ex and we have one child together. I've found that basically I pay for everything for our child so that he can pay for everything for his older DC.

He pays half of the childcare for our child but that's literally it. Never paid anything toward clothes, groups, treats, nothing. If I ever ask he says things like 'well I have X many DC'.

Whenever DSC mum asks for anything though he pays it right away (we have 50:50 so no maintenance). She asks for half of everything (rightly so!!!) Hair cuts, clothes, school stuff, hobbies etc. and he pays it.

It's almost like I feel he'd actually contribute more toward our DC if we were separated! Like he thinks because we live in the same home that it's "our" money paying for everything to do with our child so it doesn't matter.

FWIW, I don't really pay toward anything for DSC. I pay half of all bills and food so I guess I contribute in that way but we have mainly separate finances and I don't ever send him any of "my" money for things to do with DSC.

Even at Christmas and birthdays, DCs presents will ALL be bought by me. I put some toward DSCs presents (although not a huge amount) but he'll go absolutely stupid spending money on getting them heaps of stuff and then if I ask him to contribute toward our DCs presents he says he can't because he's got no money left after buying DSCs stuff.

Our child never goes without because I make sure they don't, so they are none the wiser but it pisses me off.

It makes me resentful now whenever he buys DSC anything like a treat. He bought them quite an expensive treat the other day and it's really got under my skin. He can treat his children of course but when he won't even give me £20 toward some clothes for our son because I sort it it's a slap in the face.

I get he has more children to pay for and therefore needs to stretch more but that's not mine or my son's fault?

In his mind this is how all DC get X amount of money spent on them. In my mind, it's just a dad contributing fuck all to only one of his children.

OP posts:
candlesandpitchforks · 25/04/2022 20:20

It's dad guilt.

You have a fairly big DH problem. Sit him done and talk to him through the aspects of this when your Dc can see the money he spends on DC and how they will feel towards their half siblings. It's not gonna be great for their relationship that's for sure

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2022 20:40

I wonder if he did this when he lived with them.

lassof · 25/04/2022 20:40

He shouldn't have had more kids if he couldn't afford to keep the first family and start a new one. But it's a bit late for him to realise that now! Can he cut back elsewhere eg his hobbies/free time activities if he doesn't want to impact his older kids? Just start billing him, like his ex does, and take it out of your household contribution if he doesn't pay

aSofaNearYou · 25/04/2022 21:24

Never paid anything toward clothes, groups, treats, nothing. If I ever ask he says things like 'well I have X many DC'.

So how does he justify the fact he isn't splitting his money three ways when you point out he buys one I'd the three nothing, then?

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/04/2022 22:15

It depends what else you are paying for. Mortgage, rent etc - are you paying half, and subsidizing housing his older children? Whose house?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 25/04/2022 22:22

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/04/2022 22:15

It depends what else you are paying for. Mortgage, rent etc - are you paying half, and subsidizing housing his older children? Whose house?

I don't think it does depend actually. He's treating the youngest child like they've nothing to do with him. It's irrelevant what op pays for, she has one child. He has three and should pay for them all.

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/04/2022 22:24

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 25/04/2022 22:22

I don't think it does depend actually. He's treating the youngest child like they've nothing to do with him. It's irrelevant what op pays for, she has one child. He has three and should pay for them all.

Show quote history

I'm wondering how deep it goes....

Original poster
PurpleHouse12 · 25/04/2022 22:28

We jointly own our house. We pay half each of all bills, mortgage, food, nursery for our DC. I don't quibble about bills or mortgage payments I just pay half of it, so I don't sit there counting out what mine and my son's portion of it is if you get what I mean so yes I guess I'm subsidizing his DC in that way although I'm not bothered by that.

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 25/04/2022 22:35

Well, the amount you are subsidizing the elder DC by, given that it includes heating and hot water, will be pretty substantial this year. Considerably more than the costs of presents and treats, I'm guessing. Teenagers eat you out of house and home as well.

You are treating his children as yours, so he definitely should treat yours as his!

Ellie5341 · 25/04/2022 22:38

This isn't good, look at the impact on you

As pp said this will cause an unequal divide between the children which isn't ideal if you want them all to get on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/04/2022 22:45

It's almost like I feel he'd actually contribute more toward our DC if we were separated!

Have you said this? I would. He’s not listening to you, he’s literally saying the child you state deserves less than his older ones. Hurtful, nasty, not okay.

I’m angry on your behalf, he’s being a dick.

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 25/04/2022 22:55

So, basically, you are subsidising the children of his first marriage through the 50/50 split of housing costs. But then more so, by covering all the costs (beyong child care) of your child together. Clothing, toys, birthdays and Christmas stuff, treat day outs? So that he can save his disposable for the older kids. No, in my world he doesn't get to do that. He is financially misusing you and slighting your child together.

caringcarer · 25/04/2022 23:55

I would tell him unless he gives your child equal to his other children the relationship ends and as a separate Dad you will claim maintenance for your child. See what he says to that.

Eggshelly · 26/04/2022 06:19

That is ridiculous. And cruel. And all sorts of wrong.

We set up a joint account and all household stuff and shared child comes out that and then he pays for his children out of his account. Would something like that work? Could you point out how much he would have to pay you in child maintenance and point out that is what the gov think he should be paying as a minimum? He would have to pay child care on his days and for somewhere to live separately.

Your child will grow up seeing the inequality. I feel sorry for your child.

Eggshelly · 26/04/2022 06:22

lassof · 25/04/2022 20:40

He shouldn't have had more kids if he couldn't afford to keep the first family and start a new one. But it's a bit late for him to realise that now! Can he cut back elsewhere eg his hobbies/free time activities if he doesn't want to impact his older kids? Just start billing him, like his ex does, and take it out of your household contribution if he doesn't pay

Why should they not be impacted? Their family has grown. If they need to have fewer treats because their sibling needs new shoes that is family life.

Lena007 · 26/04/2022 06:23

So, basically, you are subsidising the children of his first marriage through the 50/50 split of housing costs. But then more so, by covering all the costs (beyong child care) of your child together. Clothing, toys, birthdays and Christmas stuff, treat day outs? So that he can save his disposable for the older kids.

This exactly. I actually feel sorry for you and your DC. I would be so angry and resentful too. Money spent on a childcare isn't the same as money spent on days out, treats, clothes. Just because the youngest DC requires childcare, it doesn't mean they are to be denied everything else by their dad!

He is taking advantage of you financially.

I know its not about the money but rather the fact he treats your DC differently, but I would tell him I can't afford it any more and ask him to contribute more to the household, more than 50% bills (except of mortgage) if DCs are with you 50% of time. And I would tell him I'm going to stop contributing to DSC presents. Whatever you would usually chip in, I would use it as DH's money towards DC presents. The same with anything extra DH pays for household bills, I would spend it all on DC.

It sucks.

Blendiful · 26/04/2022 08:35

This needs to change. Start keeping track of all you spend on DC and ask for half the same way his other DC parents do. If he refuses or says he can't, then he better have said the same RE his other DC aswell. Or tell him from now on you will be paying 1.5/5 (you and half of joint DC) of house costs whilst he pays 3.5/5 costs (to cover him and all his kids)

He might realise then. This is completely unacceptable. It would work if finances were pooled but as they aren't he needs to contribute and the fact he thinks he don't as you live together is ridiculous. I would be saying to him, well when we split up you'll have to contribute half then!

Blendiful · 26/04/2022 08:38

Taking out of the household contribution is a good idea if he says no. I would be saying, you need to pay £x extra towards food/mortgage/bills to cover half of DC clothes/treat/presents I bought this month. Thanks.

If he finds a way to argue this, honestly for me, I'd leave, it would really put me off!

girlmom21 · 26/04/2022 08:47

I'd ask him whether you'd get the same contribution as his ex if you left, and then ask why you don't get that now.

I'd ask why you're paying to house children that aren't yours when he won't even pay to feed his.

Realistically, you're paying more towards his children on a day to day basis than he is if you have more than one DSC.

Magda72 · 26/04/2022 09:30

My blood is boiling just reading this @PurpleHouse12. Whether he's doing it knowingly or not you are being totally financially abused by him. I would either start billing him monthly for half your dc's expenses or remove the amount from your contribution to mortgage/bills. If he can't see where you're coming from I would be gone.
The amount of women on here fully funding joint dc because their partner is handing over evening to ex & elder dc is truly shocking.

Magda72 · 26/04/2022 09:30

My blood is boiling just reading this @PurpleHouse12. Whether he's doing it knowingly or not you are being totally financially abused by him. I would either start billing him monthly for half your dc's expenses or remove the amount from your contribution to mortgage/bills. If he can't see where you're coming from I would be gone.
The amount of women on here fully funding joint dc because their partner is handing over evening to ex & elder dc is truly shocking.

SpaceshiptoMars · 26/04/2022 10:09

I think I could just about get my head around funding my own DC if I earnt significantly more than DH. However, if I was also expected to pay half the living costs of the SDC as well, running jumps and short piers would come to mind. And if the ex was SAHM whilst my child went to nursery, you'd hear that comment 200 miles away in all directions!

GlitteryGreen · 26/04/2022 10:20

Tbh OP in this situation I'd be tempted to do the calculations on the CM website and find out how much he'd need to pay you if you were separated, and ask him for that. It's not right that he's not contributing at all towards his youngest child.

GlitteryGreen · 26/04/2022 10:21

Tbh OP in this situation I'd be tempted to do the calculations on the CM website and find out how much he'd need to pay you if you were separated, and ask him for that. It's not right that he's not contributing at all towards his youngest child.

GlitteryGreen · 26/04/2022 10:22

Tbh OP in this situation I'd be tempted to do the calculations on the CM website and find out how much he'd need to pay you if you were separated, and ask him for that. It's not right that he's not contributing at all towards his youngest child.