You should care

[TheBestSimply]

Is what my husband has just said to me when I tried to raise an issue with him about my SC.

Short version is that I've noticed 9 year old SC doesn't eat much in the mornings before school or before weekend hobbies. He'll have something like an apple for breakfast and then go off to school. He's very slim and I personally don't feel like he eats enough generally.

I mentioned this to H this morning and said I don't feel it's my place to insist he has more in the mornings as I'm not his mum but thought I should mention it. And his response was 'you can say something, you're not his mum but you should care'.... like duh... That's why I'm saying something??

Long version is that I feel and have felt in the past that H parents in a way I wouldn't choose to myself. Not with all things but with some. And I felt I was becoming the only one to 'nag' my SS to do what I felt was perfectly normal things like tidy up after himself for example, put wrappers in the bin that sort of thing and other things I felt were better for him like eating and drinking more etc.. I didn't want to be the strict one in our home so I just took a massive step back from it all and let H crack on.

This is why I brought the issue to him rather than saying something to SS myself. Now I've been accused of not caring that he's not eating enough...

Wtf you literally can't win!

I wouldn't have interpreted it in the way you have, to be honest.

I'd have heard that as "Don't feel uncomfortable raising things about SC – you're right, as you said you're not his mum but you care, so it's OK to mention these kinds of things"

Same. It comes across that he's happy for you to have an opinion and to make sure SS eats enough, tidies toys etc.

You’re right, you can’t win. If you’d said something to the child that wouldn’t be right either. If it was me, in this scenario, I’d just get some stuff to supplement the apple like a cereal bar or a pastry or something and just say to DH and SC they’re there if you want them.

Ps I wouldn’t fall for it when your DH says you can say something as if you do it’s bound to come back and bite you and you’ll feel totally peed off, in my experience your approach of taking a step back is the best for self preservation.

Thanks for the replies. I guess it's hard to interpret without hearing tone of voice but it definitely wasn't said in a positive 'dont worry, you can say something because it's good that care' kind of way.

It was said as a 'you should care enough to say something to him not leave it until you speak to me'.

We've had issues before where I feel he expects me to play mummy when he's here and I don't like that. He has made comments in the past when I've sort of left certain parenting things to him that I don't care/love enough etc.

I wouldn’t be happy being told I ‘should’ care or do something for the SC. It’s usually something that comes about because their father has decided that I have an obligation and responsibility that I don’t actually have. And where me taking on the obligation and responsibility let’s him off the parenting hook.

One of the things I used to tell myself when working with university students is that I should not care more about their learning or degree than they do. I just ended up frustrated and upset. It’s similar with SC: you can’t and should not care about their well-being more than their parents do.

Its very tricky though because that lack of caring about, for example, ensuring the child eats enough before breakfast makes the parent less appealing to you. And other things, like allowing them to leave a trail of destruction in their wake or allowing them to be rude to you or not having a bedtime do actually have a negative impact on you. In the end though, you just can’t care more than the children’s father, and sometimes the frustration is because he doesn’t care enough about them or you to make sure everyone is ok. If you get to that realisation, then the writing is on the wall really.

Can you step back even further and leave breakfast and getting ready before school entirely to your husband?