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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband wants a divorce

46 replies

SickOfCrap · 21/04/2022 06:59

So I've done all the work around my step daughters when they were with us. They live with their mom. Now the oldest one is 11 and wants to live with us. Her mom is done with her because she's being lying, skipping school, not showering, not helping at all at home.
I have a 4 month old baby and husband told me he wants her to come live with us so we can straight her up. By "we" I mean me, because he works a lot and barely has time for our Baby.
I told him I have enough on my plate right now raising a baby and that if he wants his kid here he'll have to do the work.

Everything escalated pretty quickly when he said I'm rejecting his kid and that's never gonna work and that he's done with me... I literally have done everything I possibly could for those kids. I just don't have the time and energy now to deal with a teenager whose mom doesn't even want anymore.

I told him ultimately it's his decision. This is his house and that's his kid, but he keeps saying I've always rejected them and that staying together is "an illusion" because we'll always fight about it.
It baffles me that he could throw everything away because of that.

I'm at loss. Does anyone have any useful/helpful advice for me? I'd be devastated if my daughter grew up without a father...

OP posts:
Kiiiiiiik · 21/04/2022 14:04

SoggyPaper · 21/04/2022 08:59

Call me cynical, but I’d put quite a lot of money on him only willing to have the DD if the OP is there as a subcontractor. I would be very surprised if the OP said ‘yes. Let’s get divorced’ and somehow the DD didn’t end up staying with her mum anyway.

I was just about to say the same.

He wanted to immediately say yes because he thought it would have no impact on him and OP would sort it so 'why not?'.

I imagine the minute he needs to actually make some changes to his own life in order to facilitate this, it won't be so straightforward.

It's always easy enough or 'no problem' to do the right thing when these men have someone else to whom they can leave the consequences.

If, once everyone has calmed down, he is still genuinely expecting you to essentially take on everything to do with his daughter and not willing to make changes himself to facilitate her living with you OP then I'd take him up on his offer of divorce.

It may sound dramatic to some but I would never be happy taking on everything to do with my step DC whilst my husband did nothing. It's not what I want from life and it would make me miserable so I'd rather leave personally.

Moochio · 21/04/2022 16:48

This isn't a pet fish that he can just ask you to sprinkle a bit of food in the tank. I'm not sure he realises just how much his daughter is going to need him. Him, not you. She needs to feel her parent is there.

Pinkyxx · 21/04/2022 20:17

It's unreasonable to expect OP to proxy parent a quasi teenager who is acting out to the point her own Mother can't manage her any longer. If OP were to agree to this it doesn't seem likely it would help the child at all. It would also put OP in the impossible situation of trying to raise / reform a child who is incredibly unlikely to respond to her.

OP isn't saying the child can't live with them, she's saying if the child comes to live with them her DP must parent her. Nothing here strikes me as unreasonable. Op's DP is the child's Father and therefore has a responsibility to do so. Absolutely awful that he's threatened divorce.

Honestly OP stand your ground. If he's willing to divorce you over this there were bigger issues at play and you're losing nothing. You can't lose what you never had.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/04/2022 20:27

He wants you to look after a school refusing, traumatised? teen , with a new baby? And doesn't want to have any input himself? I wonder how he thinks you are going to be able to do what her mother can't.

howtomoveforwards · 21/04/2022 20:32

Do you work, OP? Are you making an equal - or bigger - contribution to household finances? Are you willing to work more so he can work less to cover any shortfall in household finances?

what do you expect him to do about his daughter? Seriously? Abandon her?

do you wish to be a parenting team? If so, what compromises are you willing to make from your side for that to happen? Where is your bottom line? What needs to happen for his daughter to move in from your perspective? What would make the situation more tolerable?

CornishGem1975 · 21/04/2022 20:34

I'd gladly show him the door and file the divorce papers myself if my DH acted like that.

Mooshering · 21/04/2022 20:37

@NewandNotImproved

What’s so desirable about this deadbeat misogynist bully that you’d not want to divorce him? Agree with his threat, smile and say what a good idea it’ll be to divorce, he’ll shit himself. Go and enjoy your life, never allow a man to use you as a house staff and childcare, or threaten you again.
This. It sounds like it'll be YOU doing all the parenting of his daughter.
SpaceshiptoMars · 21/04/2022 20:47

howtomoveforwards · 21/04/2022 20:32

Do you work, OP? Are you making an equal - or bigger - contribution to household finances? Are you willing to work more so he can work less to cover any shortfall in household finances?

what do you expect him to do about his daughter? Seriously? Abandon her?

do you wish to be a parenting team? If so, what compromises are you willing to make from your side for that to happen? Where is your bottom line? What needs to happen for his daughter to move in from your perspective? What would make the situation more tolerable?

Let her take her maternity leave first! This is OPs first born for crying out loud.

[irony filter on]
Another unwritten rule on this board. 'A stepmother is not entitled to maternity leave. She must either return to work immediately or act as full time childcarer for the first family.....'
[irony filter off]

The Mum hasn't died. She isn't in hospital. No extenuating circumstances mentioned. She can hang on for a while and read some parenting manuals like the OP will have to.

Maydaysoonenough · 21/04/2022 20:50

When my 2 dc wanted to live ft with us my dh went and picked them up..

LetitiaLeghorn · 21/04/2022 20:59

I don't really understand what you're saying or aiming for really.
In one post you say you'll be devastated if your child grows up without their father. In another you say you'll go for full custody so he'll never see the child and fuck him.
Don't be influenced what people say on here. They just move onto another thread, dole out more advice there and forget you. You're the one that has to live with the consequences.
Let time take a bit of the heat out of the situation and then discuss it calmly. He is going to be worried about his daughter so cut him some slack over that but I 100% agree that you shouldn't have to shoukder all the responsibility even in normal circumstances and especially with a new baby.

howtomoveforwards · 21/04/2022 21:20

Let her take her maternity leave first! This is OPs first born for crying out loud

so OP shouldn’t have to compromise at all? Her DH has to support the full household but his daughter can’t move in? The expectation is that he should care for his daughter if she moves in so what slack is going to be need to be cut? What compromises can be made? Presumably, the OP doesn’t just want him to abandon his child (although I’m not convinced that’s the case)… so what is the OP going to do to make it work? Seems to me she will either have to care for the child or she will need to work to make up any shortfall whilst her dh cares for his child. Of course, money may not be an issue which is why I said the OP needs to think about what she can compromise on and where her bottom line is. Because that’s the negotiating starting point. She can’t just expect her husband not to act on his daughters concerns/needs/issues.

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/04/2022 21:30

so OP shouldn’t have to compromise at all? Her DH has to support the full household but his daughter can’t move in?

Who knows whether the DH is supporting the full household? This being MN, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if the OP were the higher earner by a fair old chunk. For all we know DH hides out in a cosy office playing XBox half the day and pretends his workload is enormous!

howtomoveforwards · 21/04/2022 21:32

For all we know DH hides out in a cosy office playing XBox half the day and pretends his workload is enormous!

very true. I am still not sure that means there shouldn’t be compromise on his daughter.

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/04/2022 21:32

@howtomoveforwards

Enough time reading this forum, and you come to the conclusion that a man only marries again if it is firmly in his financial favour to do so.

Pinkyxx · 21/04/2022 22:59

so OP shouldn’t have to compromise at all? Her DH has to support the full household but his daughter can’t move in?

OP didn't say his daughter couldn't move in, she said if the daughter moved in HE had to parent her because he's her FATHER. Op is not bound to raise his child for him just because he doesn't want to.

SoggyPaper · 22/04/2022 06:43

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/04/2022 21:32

@howtomoveforwards

Enough time reading this forum, and you come to the conclusion that a man only marries again if it is firmly in his financial favour to do so.

Yes. This seems to be very much the case. Far too often on here the new wife gets to be proxy parent, housekeeper, breadwinner and scapegoat.

although as with the relationships board, the sample is a bit skewed.

Kiiiiiiik · 22/04/2022 07:04

howtomoveforwards · 21/04/2022 21:32

For all we know DH hides out in a cosy office playing XBox half the day and pretends his workload is enormous!

very true. I am still not sure that means there shouldn’t be compromise on his daughter.

So you think even if the husband pretends to need to work all the time when he doesn't, the OP should still compromise in regards to parenting his daughter for him?

Ermmm.. why the fuck?

If my husband genuinely was stuck and needed the help and was seen to be making compromises / sacrifices where he could but still needed some support I would do that.

If my husband made no effort to change anything about his own life in order to care for his own child but instead told me he expected me to suck it up and do it for him or he'd divorce me, I would tell him where to stick it and he'd be single handedly raising his child without any input from me.

It's not OPs responsibility to take on his troubled teen daughter because her own mum doesn't want to and her dad can't be bothered to make any changes. If he can't see that and be grateful for any help OP is offering to give (and that doesn't have to be full on parenting, it can be simply supporting him in allowing her to move in) then it sounds like OP would be miles better off anyway.

SoggyPaper · 22/04/2022 07:44

It’s just another one of those cases where an adult who isn’t a child’s parent is held to higher standards than the child’s parents.

no mention of the mother’s responsibility towards her child. And the father is a hero for volunteering his wife’s labour. And somehow the SM is in the wrong for expecting the parents to parent their troubled daughter.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 22/04/2022 13:27

So you did not say she couldn't come to live with you, just that you have a new baby which you are just managing to care for, so he will need to parent his child if she moves in. Particularly as he is not doing anything for his new baby. And the upshot of this was he now wants a divorce?

He sounds like an entitled, lazy bully. Personally I think I would prefer my child to grow up without that kind of person around them all the time. That is not someone I would want as a role model for my child to emulate. Presumably the reason the 11 year old is behaving so badly is a result of her awful parents - so you have a living example of what is coming if you stay. Its going to get worse too, the child is only 11, not even a teen yet.

I would be packing my bags and running for the hills to get away from that shit show.

Moodycow78 · 22/04/2022 22:34

howtomoveforwards · 21/04/2022 21:20

Let her take her maternity leave first! This is OPs first born for crying out loud

so OP shouldn’t have to compromise at all? Her DH has to support the full household but his daughter can’t move in? The expectation is that he should care for his daughter if she moves in so what slack is going to be need to be cut? What compromises can be made? Presumably, the OP doesn’t just want him to abandon his child (although I’m not convinced that’s the case)… so what is the OP going to do to make it work? Seems to me she will either have to care for the child or she will need to work to make up any shortfall whilst her dh cares for his child. Of course, money may not be an issue which is why I said the OP needs to think about what she can compromise on and where her bottom line is. Because that’s the negotiating starting point. She can’t just expect her husband not to act on his daughters concerns/needs/issues.

Compromise works both ways, currently this man is doing nothing towards raising any of his kids, maybe he should step up and do some work before OP 'compromises' (i.e. does more of it than she's already doing). She already does all the work for his kids when they stay, I'd be looking at knocking that on the head as well OP

Sunnytwobridges · 22/04/2022 23:12

CornishGem1975 · 21/04/2022 20:34

I'd gladly show him the door and file the divorce papers myself if my DH acted like that.

Exactly. I'd divorce him before he could even get a chance to divorce me. He sounds like a prick of the highest order. why should he expect you to have to parent and deal with his kids issues? That's his job.

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