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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband wants a divorce

46 replies

SickOfCrap · 21/04/2022 06:59

So I've done all the work around my step daughters when they were with us. They live with their mom. Now the oldest one is 11 and wants to live with us. Her mom is done with her because she's being lying, skipping school, not showering, not helping at all at home.
I have a 4 month old baby and husband told me he wants her to come live with us so we can straight her up. By "we" I mean me, because he works a lot and barely has time for our Baby.
I told him I have enough on my plate right now raising a baby and that if he wants his kid here he'll have to do the work.

Everything escalated pretty quickly when he said I'm rejecting his kid and that's never gonna work and that he's done with me... I literally have done everything I possibly could for those kids. I just don't have the time and energy now to deal with a teenager whose mom doesn't even want anymore.

I told him ultimately it's his decision. This is his house and that's his kid, but he keeps saying I've always rejected them and that staying together is "an illusion" because we'll always fight about it.
It baffles me that he could throw everything away because of that.

I'm at loss. Does anyone have any useful/helpful advice for me? I'd be devastated if my daughter grew up without a father...

OP posts:
DailySheetWasher · 21/04/2022 07:03

I doubt he actually wants to divorce you, he was just threatening it to get you to agree to what he wanted. If you're the one doing all the house and child related work, he has too much to lose.

I'm willing to bet he'll back down eventually if you stand your ground.

Vsirbdo · 21/04/2022 07:04

My teenage DSD came to live with us and I only agreed on that basis. It wasn’t just about the extra pressure on me, I knew DSD needed her dad to be present and pro active and be that supportive parent particularly with the relationship with her mum being tricky.

Original poster
SickOfCrap · 21/04/2022 07:08

Yeah me too. But the way he spoke about it was SO hurtful. I don't know if I can get past that. He totally disregarded our daughter. It sounded to me like he'd been holding something up for a while and just exploded...

OP posts:
Moochio · 21/04/2022 07:10

You are not some kind of replacement mum. Stand your ground. Your child won't grow up without a father. He can look after them EOW or something or go 50/50 with you. Tbh if he can't be bothered with his eldest child maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if he were less involved with his youngest?

Moochio · 21/04/2022 07:12

SickOfCrap · 21/04/2022 07:08

Yeah me too. But the way he spoke about it was SO hurtful. I don't know if I can get past that. He totally disregarded our daughter. It sounded to me like he'd been holding something up for a while and just exploded...

Sorry cross posted. You need to protect your daughter from this attitude. The eldest isn't more important than the youngest. I wouldn't make any rush decisions about it but if he doesn't initiate a split I would consider it once you've recovered from the newborn phase.

Original poster
SickOfCrap · 21/04/2022 07:14

To be quite honest, I guess if we split he won't bother to be a part of our daughter's life. He'll probably be working like crazy and find someone else to do the work with his kids and mine. That's when I'd go for full custody and F*==\ him!

OP posts:
BemoreDerek · 21/04/2022 07:24

I think he's trying to scare you into doing what he wants too OP, don't back down or he will know the tactic works and will use it every time you try to stand up for yourself. I can't help but think it would be a good thing for you and your DD if he did divorce you though, he's a lazy parent who is prepared to threaten you with divorce because you won't take on even more of his parental responsibilities, is that really who you want as a husband? Your baby will be better off with one completely committed parent than watching you run ragged by him and your DSC Flowers

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/04/2022 07:25

Isn't the ex just dropping a bomb on your marriage? I'd be raising mental question marks about the timing of all this?

Does she have valid grievances? Is she really struggling for money, or is she under pressure from DWP to return to work/work longer hours? There may be more to this than just the DSD getting in with the wrong crowd at secondary school.

If DSD was well-behaved before, is she being bullied? Is this about paying off a bully? She needs more of her Dad's attention, and she can get that without moving in with you. DH needs to take his eyes off his work for a few hours and give her some quality time. If Mum can't discipline her, then you will have a struggle too, especially with a new baby as well.

SoggyPaper · 21/04/2022 07:39

I think you might need to reframe some of this in your mind. It isn’t you making a choice that means your DD will grow up without a father at all.

The situation is:


  • your husband has 3 children and does not pull his weight in parenting any of them. He subcontracts the parenting work to the women around him

  • his eldest DD is struggling in various ways and her mother doesn’t want to live with her any more.

  • you’re overwhelmed doing all the parenting for your daughter (and your SC when they’re with you).

  • you aren’t stopping his DD coming to live with you FT. You’re saying that her father needs to step up and do the work involved in parenting his troubled daughter. She’s going to need a lot of help and support.

  • he doesn’t want to do all that work. He wants you to do it for him.

  • he’s been nasty to you because you’re not just taking on his responsibilities

  • he’s made it clear that your DD (his youngest) is not his priority or a priority

  • you worry that he’ll be an absent father (more so even than he is now) to your DD if you leave him


All of that is about his choices, his failure to step up to his responsibilities and his dismissal of his youngest child.

You can’t make him a better man or father. He’s not really a present, involved father now. If he’s even less so because you’re not in a relationship with him, it’s him who is depriving his daughter of a proper relationship with her father. Not you.

Don’t internalise his responsibilities and then blame yourself for just failures.

Billybagpuss · 21/04/2022 07:40

How often are they with you now?

if he genuinely can’t see that welcoming a troubled 11 year old into your home full time is going to require more input from him, I’d take him up on his offer of a divorce.

how are you fixed financially? Do you have somewhere to go?

Itshonestlynotthathard · 21/04/2022 07:42

He’s “throwing everything away” because his child wants to live with him and you’re saying no.

I would do the same in his shoes

yes it will probably be carnage for him and daughter if he’s a single parent but… he will have to make it work. It’s the only option

SoggyPaper · 21/04/2022 07:58

Itshonestlynotthathard · 21/04/2022 07:42

He’s “throwing everything away” because his child wants to live with him and you’re saying no.

I would do the same in his shoes

yes it will probably be carnage for him and daughter if he’s a single parent but… he will have to make it work. It’s the only option

No. His child wants to live with him and the OP is saying she’s not taking on all the extra work for him.

presumably you would actually plan to parent your child, not delegate it to someone else?

Itshonestlynotthathard · 21/04/2022 08:05

He is being unreasonable unquestionably in what he is expecting the OP to do

but he has said that he will divorce and now out.

so the op needs to accept that he is prioritising his young daughter who seems to have no where to live.

yes it will be very difficult for him! But that won’t be the OP’s issue any more

SoggyPaper · 21/04/2022 08:59

Call me cynical, but I’d put quite a lot of money on him only willing to have the DD if the OP is there as a subcontractor. I would be very surprised if the OP said ‘yes. Let’s get divorced’ and somehow the DD didn’t end up staying with her mum anyway.

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/04/2022 09:07

Itshonestlynotthathard · 21/04/2022 08:05

He is being unreasonable unquestionably in what he is expecting the OP to do

but he has said that he will divorce and now out.

so the op needs to accept that he is prioritising his young daughter who seems to have no where to live.

yes it will be very difficult for him! But that won’t be the OP’s issue any more

Wow, so dramatic! Straight to nuclear solutions. This is not how you make stepfamilies work.

The timing is diabolical.

First thing I would do is look to the ex and see what position is she in. Can she be supported to keep the eldest for a year or two longer. Money, counselling for herself and eldest DD, extra pair of hands in the house etc etc if she is working fulltime.

Second thing is a rocket up DH's bum! Why is he working non-stop. Is it actually necessary? What can he change? Does he have a problem with relating to children? Why is he such an absent parent?

Third thing is you, OP. Can you take some of the responsibility? By no means all, but is there anything more you can offer? What is your network like? Can you enlist support amongst your crew?

This is a joint problem. Whoever DSD turns into affects your child. Three hands to the pump. Now.

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/04/2022 09:11

Also, can you imagine another woman with him in the future, taking on DSD in her troubles without knowing her beforehand, the younger child AND managing contact with your DD?

What on earth has this man to offer to attract such a paragon of godliness?Wink

BungleandGeorge · 21/04/2022 09:15

She’s not doing well with her Mum, she wants to live with Dad. He has a responsibility to take her and see if things work better. I expect he got angry in what is probably quite a stressful situation, especially if he’s going to have to cut back work hours. Talk when everyone has calmed down. Sometimes things happen and it’s not what you planned, of course you have a right to make your own decisions about what is best for you and your child. But it seems the status quo isn’t working and I think you’ll have to accept that things are going to change in some way

MsTSwift · 21/04/2022 09:15

This was the wail of my friends ex Dh when his younger woman dumped him. Teens with first wife toddler with second “who will want me now” get out the tiny violin.

SoggyPaper · 21/04/2022 09:36

MsTSwift · 21/04/2022 09:15

This was the wail of my friends ex Dh when his younger woman dumped him. Teens with first wife toddler with second “who will want me now” get out the tiny violin.

I’ve heard the same from my husband.

tbh, it just makes me think: well you should have made more effort to make this work and not treated me like a convenient scapegoat/unpaid nanny and housekeeper. 🤷🏻‍♀️

TheVanguardSix · 21/04/2022 09:57

If she lives with you, there must be strict conditions: she goes to school full time, dad pays for private therapy (not CAMHS- the waiting list is forever and she won't be seeing anyone anytime soon), and she helps with the baby. Weekends with mum.
She can thrive if she's part of a loving, supportive household.
It's risky, but I think because there's an unhappy child at the heart of the matter, so in your shoes, I'd give it a go.
I know it's not what any of us sign up for but we get the package that comes with the marriage and I think, as a mother yourself, you sort of need to try and show support for your DSD.
But before you do, you and your DH need to absolutely agree on how you will approach this and what the solution will be if it doesn't work out with her living with you.
This is NOT about you putting up and shutting up and bending to your husband's wishes. And how dare he throw around 'divorce' in response to you not wanting him to make a unilateral decision. Really. He needs to grow the fuck up and NOT do that.
This is about both of you parenting a child in acute need. Mum's home isn't working. Life with you may be the very thing that sorts your DSD out.
What cannot happen is a scenario where you're at home with a school refuser and a tiny baby. That is out of the question.

I home school my school refuser who is 12 because I can and I am supportive of her non-attendance. It's really not for everyone.
You cannot and should not just accept this. So the first thing is, she MUST attend school if she lives with you. That's not up for debate.

Above all, if you don't want her living with you, then stick to your guns, OP. You know what you need most of all.

TheVanguardSix · 21/04/2022 09:58

It's risky, but I think because there's an unhappy child at the heart of the matter, so in your shoes, I'd give it a go.

Sorry! I mutilated that sentence but... you know what I mean.

EL8888 · 21/04/2022 10:15

As others have said he wants woman to do the hard graft. Whilst he hides at work all the time. You are well within your rights to say if DSD comes to live with you then he does the hard work, she’s not your child after all

NewandNotImproved · 21/04/2022 10:25

What’s so desirable about this deadbeat misogynist bully that you’d not want to divorce him? Agree with his threat, smile and say what a good idea it’ll be to divorce, he’ll shit himself. Go and enjoy your life, never allow a man to use you as a house staff and childcare, or threaten you again.

FairyCakeWings · 21/04/2022 10:31

To be fair to him, if his daughter needs to come and live with him then he has to find a way to make that work. As his wife and part of that family, it’s not unusual that he would need your support. If he ended up unable to work, or to work as much, because he had to care for his child alone, would you still be able to afford everything you need on your wage and his?

It doesn’t sound like he disregarded your daughter at all. Her needs are met right now and his older daughters needs aren’t, so the older daughter obviously takes priority in his mind right now.

How does he see it working when you’re off maternity leave and back at work?

Kiiiiiiik · 21/04/2022 13:58

Itshonestlynotthathard · 21/04/2022 07:42

He’s “throwing everything away” because his child wants to live with him and you’re saying no.

I would do the same in his shoes

yes it will probably be carnage for him and daughter if he’s a single parent but… he will have to make it work. It’s the only option

Are you reading the same thread?

He wants his daughter to live with him and for OP to pick up the whole slack expecting nothing more from him.

He can fuck off with that frankly. I care for my DSC and if they had to live with us then they'd be welcome but like fuck I'd be doing everything for both them and our DC whilst my husband went about his life unchanged.

If you'd expect that of your husband or partner then they would be well shot of you.

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