Advice please - unreasonable, abusive ex using children to control us

Moochio · 19/04/2022 11:57

Can he go to pick ups without you? To show you're trying to cool the situation down?

Original poster

Watermelon600 · 19/04/2022 11:59

Yes he can but then she is known to be abusive towards him too previously - 9 times out of 10 she is. He tries to just drop the kids at the door but she’s usually stood waiting to have an argument. He has asked me to go with him for support.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 19/04/2022 12:01

I don't think it's reasonable for him to ask you to go with him for support really, he needs to deal with that without you.

Moochio · 19/04/2022 12:02

@aSofaNearYou I agree. If he wants a witness then he can record it on his phone. You don't need to be subjected to this.

Original poster

Watermelon600 · 19/04/2022 12:06

We are trying to decide whether we need to ask a 3rd party to be present going forward to ensure there are witnesses as she is a compulsive liar, but I don’t know how that would work logistically due to the distance.

She refuses to share any of the driving duties but we are trying to stick to our guns & yesterday we flat out refused to drop them at hers & she eventually picked them up in the middle as we had gone for the day out near there. Hopefully the more we stick to this, she will eventually start picking them up as my partner is doing the 60 mile trip at least every other weekend (sometimes every weekend as we have them more regularly a lot of the time), as well as every single Wednesday to pick them up from school.

OP posts:

Moochio · 19/04/2022 12:42

Maybe meeting at a neutral place for handover might help?

Original poster

Watermelon600 · 19/04/2022 13:18

I have suggested this but then when it comes to the day she refuses, though I suppose we could flat out refuse until she goes. But my partner worries he may not see the kids. She isn’t that bothered to keep the kids as they get in the way of her social life, just likes to use it as a threat.

OP posts:

candlesandpitchforks · 19/04/2022 20:06

You know in this situation that I would go and collect the kids and say ok your come collect the kids if you want them. Then the drive is literally 50/50. Him one way her another. Although this is likely to go down like a lead ballon.

I would also see if you can jump mediation and go straight to getting a court order (I don't know about the legalities if this hoping a poster with experience will be able to come along) the user redbootwings (I'm sure I have got the username wrong)is pretty good with all legal things re contact. If anyone sees her about on other posts can we redirect her to this post.

(Redwings if your reading this apologises again on mentioning you I just remember you giving really decent advice in this area and there's such misinformation about- I don't know any the OP getting incorrect info)

Moochio · 19/04/2022 20:27

You know in this situation that I would go and collect the kids and say ok your come collect the kids if you want them. Then the drive is literally 50/50. Him one way her another. Although this is likely to go down like a lead ballon. this sounds a good idea, although problematic when it comes to schooling if you live far away from their school.

candlesandpitchforks · 19/04/2022 21:02

@Moochio

You know in this situation that I would go and collect the kids and say ok your come collect the kids if you want them. Then the drive is literally 50/50. Him one way her another. Although this is likely to go down like a lead ballon. this sounds a good idea, although problematic when it comes to schooling if you live far away from their school.

I won't like abs say with the right personalities in involved it may escalate things somewhat. But it does take away the control element.

If they need to go to school and she won't do it, well I would say to the school ah sorry mum didn't come and collects and we have no idea why...

Again though lead balloon but I imagine in some circumstances could work.

Pinkyxx · 19/04/2022 21:44

There are only limited circumstances where mediation can be skipped - like where there has been domestic abuse, and or the application is being made for urgent reasons (like safeguarding) so there isn't time for mediation. By the sounds of it she'd refuse to turn up or disagree with every suggestion made so your mediator would have little choice but to tick the box for you allowing you to proceed to court.

By the sounds of it you definitely need a CAO. I'd bite the bullet and start the process. I'd imagine the court would look at having handovers at school during term time to limit contact between parents. Distance isn't as much as a constraint as you might think, my ex is required to pick up from school and he lives a lot further away than OP's DP's ex. You could propose this in the court proceedings citing that it would be better for the children as it removes the risk of unpleasantness at handovers. Also, the court won't look for her to agree with the arrangements, they will look at what is in the children's best interest. In other words she doesn't have to agree. If she wants a say in the arrangements she needs to cooperate and discuss rationally with your DP. Once it's in court, it's out of both of your hands.

Personally, while I don't love all the terms of our CAO, it has helped immensely to limit the power games from my ex and most importantly stopped most of the nonsense our child had to put up with. It's not a golden bullet, but it helps.

Moochio · 19/04/2022 21:47

@candlesandpitchforks good point, might be worth thinking about OP? Or your DH thinking about even.

carty1313 · 19/04/2022 21:53

@Watermelon600

Hi, my partners ex has been verbally abusive towards me (swearing in front of children) at pick up this weekend, children looked horrified (they are 5 & 7).

We have tried getting a CAO previously but she refuses to sign it so not sure where to go from here - we have paid the fee on the website but she’s refusing to sign & we don’t want mediation because she is that abusive it would be pointless. We really just want an arrangement that is on paper & signed - sharing pick ups & drop offs for the weekends we have the kids (she refuses to even though it is a 60 mile round journey & she moved the children away). Every time something doesn’t go her way she threatens to stop us & grandparents seeing the kids.

Does anyone have any advice please?

@Watermelon600

She can threaten as much as she likes the LAW protects maternal grandparents from such virtuous acts. They actually have a legal right to see their grandchildren. She can not stop nothing only on a temporary basis and it will not go well in her favour if she can not explain truthfully a good reason why she stopped them.

Also if you can get het abuse on video as evidence and seek legal advice. They might suggest mediation in the initial stages. Which she'll probably refuse. And then you can file to a court to have her collect the kids from a contact centre. X. And drop them back there for collection. A restraining order can be filed also to stop her from using such language. To communicate. Or she finds a responsible adult to act and communicate on her behalf.

Willyoujustbequiet · 24/04/2022 20:23

@carty1313

I'm sorry but grandparents do not have any legal rights to see their grandchildren so I'm not sure why you think this.