Can someone tell me it gets easier? Do I leave?

[bellbellb]

Hello! So I know I'm most likely to get backlash for this thread. I'm just really hoping there is someone out there who can tell me it gets easier!

I've been with my partner for 5 years now, he has a 9 year old DS and we also have a 3 year old DD together.
I am really struggling with being a step mum, I always have..but just seem to be struggling that bit more recently. His son isn't a naughty child in the slightest, he's just a normal child who has his ups and downs, bad days and good days ect which I completely understand - we all have them right?! I just really wish I could click my fingers and feel more for him then I do
When I first met my partner he had his son 1 night a week, alternated between Fridays and Saturdays, this was perfectly fine and I enjoyed the time we spent together. Over the years it's grown to every Friday - Monday so now 3 nights a week. I just struggle with this which I can't help. I can't cope with the clash of parenting styles and where the line is for how much I get involved, I struggle that I can't lay down the same rules for his son that I do for my daughter because then I come across as the evil step mum who he resents (I've tried talking to my partner about rules which he sticks to for a week or two then resorts back to how things were before) he is a good kid but like all children there are things he can do and one of them is to constantly put my daughter down, he never interacts with her and he ignores her 95% of the time when she tries interacting with him and there has been times when my daughter has said that he has said some really horrible things to her when we haven't been in the room, he always denies this so we never had any clue who is telling the truth as it's a he said she said situation - I guess from a parenting point of view I struggle to see that every weekend when my daughter is OBSESSED with him (literally counts down the days in the week till it's Friday and he's here again) then he can't even give her a hug back when he comes through the door. BUT saying this, he's a 9 year old boy - I know this isn't out of the ordinary? Another issue i struggle with is the screen time that is allowed, this has been an ongoing issue for a few years now and it always comes back to him spending all day on a screen (sometimes more then one screen at a time), he has so many devices and he gets upset when you try to limit it, yet me being the one to always enforce it I'm fed up of coming across as the 'mean' one when it should be his dad doing it! This situation I solely blame on my partner as he should be stepping up - but my partner works really hard in the week and so likes to have some time to relax during the weekend, his argument is that 'what else is he supposed to do?' - I do understand this to an extent, but what did 9 year old boys do before electronics? He's got books, arts and crafts, drawing and figures ect here that never get touched.

I like to think I'm not a bad step mum, I never ever let on these feelings no matter how frustrated I am, I never allow him to feel pushed out, I show him just as much affection as my daughter and if I'm honest I let him get away with hell of a lot more too! Anything I buy for my daughter I buy the equal for him too, I buy all the Christmas presents and I spend exactly the same amount on them both, I buy him clothes, I've paid for us all to go on holiday end of May ect ect - I just wish with every inch of me that I could shake this feeling I really really do, I wish I could create more feelings towards him but if I'm honest I don't think he would be bothered anyways. He is a huge daddy's boy and loves it being just those two, which is obviously still fine.

I would never ever try to lesson the time he spends with his father, he enjoys spending every/all weekends with his dad and my partner would not have it any other way. I've just found myself in this rut where, it sounds horrible to say, but I dread the weekends and I honestly believe it is making me depressed. This isn't his sons fault, his son was there before me, these feelings have just got worse since we had our daughter because this is when I started to struggle with different factors.

I guess I was hoping to ask for opinions for what someone else would do in this situation, I can't help but keep thinking about leaving - but then I break up my family for my own sake when everyone else is happy. Do I suffer in silence and just get on with it?

(Please don't be to harsh on me, I'm not hating on SS, I know these are my own feelings I need to deal with and I promise he is always made to feel welcomed and that this is his home!!!)

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it sounds tough. The thing that struck me is that you said he doesn't interact with your daughter. I understand there is probably some feelings of jealousy and resentment there but I wouldn't say this is normal. I have a nine year old son and a three year old son and they interact beautifully. They live together all of the time so I know it is very different but many of the boys in my older sons class make a bee line for my younger son and home time to talk to him or give him a high five or whatever so your step sons behaviour around your daughter isn't, in my opinion entirely how I would expect.

BUT saying this, he's a 9 year old boy - I know this isn't out of the ordinary

It isn’t because he is 9, it is because this little boy who loves his Daddy now sees his Daddy be a 7 day parent to a new child in the nest while he comes and goes.

He sounds incredibly jealous, and that is understandable.

The 9 year olds that @Newuser82 talks of are not interacting with a 3 year old that, in their heart, is competing for their Dad.

So much talk here of enforcing rules, clamping down on his spite etc.

Pay attention to his feelings of insecurity, and how it feels for him with his Daddy living with a new person who isn’t Mummy, who brings a new baby into the family, and those 3 all live together all the time, while he goes back and forth.

Why are you more bothered about screen time than his Dad?

You aren’t alone! There’s a really good stepmum podcast - Stepmum Space which will help you feel more normal!!

@bellbellb

I don't mind screen time in moderation, but it's got to an extent where his social skills have taken a massive hit (which even my partner has agreed he can notice)

Turn this sentence around. He has problems with social skills and locks into screen time because it is much easier. Compare this to Dad locking into work - because work problems are problems he knows how to solve.

Issues with social skills appear to run in the family.

I agree with @trainnane and @CarmenThePanda.

This boy is feeling unwanted and unloved. Plus he is bored out of his skull.

Who is truly interacting with him, listening to him, actually DOING stuff with him?

Yes the poor lad will be extremely bored and lonely. Young boys are often very sensitive creatures even if they don't show it well. They thrive on playing with friends. Sounds like the only opportunity he's getting to interact with mates is via a screen and gaming. He probably feels like a spare part.

@aSofaNearYou

It's good to see he does at least spend time with your DD on weekends, your earlier comment about SS just wanting time with him and daddy on weekends suggested that might not be the case.

I think it's just because we have had arguments in the past and he has forced me to admit that I don't feel the same level of love for his son that I do for my daughter, this resulted in him calling me vile for it. So feel this constant 'I should feel more

But you need to realise this is him gaslighting you. It's perfectly natural for you to feel a different level of love for your DD, this should be expected, and it's actually quite appalling of him to call you "vile" for it. His unreasonable expectations have clearly given you a complex that you do not need to have. You don't need to feel anything close to what you feel for your DD, getting on with him is enough. But the fact that your DP clearly does not see that makes it hard to imagine it getting better.

But he's the problem, not you.

@aSofaNearYou is spot on, as usual.

This comment is deeply pernicious:

he has forced me to admit that I don't feel the same level of love for his son that I do for my daughter, this resulted in him calling me vile for it.

He called you vile for natural, normal feelings. The lack of empathy from your DP is really, really shocking. And all the while he’s parking his son in front screens during the small amount of quality time they get together. He’s the vile one.

Next time your DH intimates or states this, ask him to take a few minutes really imagine a complete reversal of circumstances. How would he feel about you having an older child and an ex, and contact? And of course it’s impossible for him to know if he would love a stepchild like his own child, but perhaps it will jolt him into some sort of human reaction.

Sorry, OP. If this is an example of the way DP treats you then the road ahead looks very hard. You deserve better.

So much sympathy for the SS and so little for the little girl who is being treated badly by this much older boy.

He's 9 years old and knows exactly what he's doing.

I haven’t read all the replies either but I really struggle with the differences in parenting and how the habits from one household creep to another.

My DSC eats fast food several times a week and junk inbetween and is allowed sugary drinks, is glued a screen and generally has a total lack of boundaries (criticise me all you like MN that’s exactly how it is). I have to constantly remind my DH that our DC can’t have crisps for breakfast just because he can’t say no to the eldest and that I don’t want them glued to a tablet all weekend. The worst is they get really pent up and irritable with all the crap and screen time and just end up falling out.

There definitely some compromise to be had, I relax a little but we have DSC less, in the school holidays it’s tough.

You have to be your own childrens advocate, I won’t allow someone else’s parenting to dictate my household.

Being a stepmum is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I’m sorry I don’t have the advice of many of the posters, all I can say is I hoped it would get easier and it never did.

Sorry this is a bit unrelated but I just wanted to chip in and say I have a similar feeling about our nephew. It sounds horrible because he is an only child and I know he loves coming here to be with his cousins but we just don't get on and I don't feel for him how I wanted to feel to be honest. It's just little things like he never says please or thank you, he doesn't ask how we are, there is no conversation with me and my attempts at conversation never go anywhere!! It's got to the point that I can't wait for playdates to end. It's not good. With most children that come over I feel I can get on with them but with my nephew I feel I have given up!! Of course I won't give up but it feels much harder than it should be.

Find things for him to do. A 9yo should be at football, swimming, drama, karate, roller skating etc every Saturday. And when not there should be out exercising at the park.

The poor boy. His mum and dad clearly don't give a shit.

Your husband sounds lazy and nasty. He is turning the conversation to your love for dss to distract from his unwillingness to step up and parent his child. Don't let him trick you like this. You sound like a lovely caring step-mum. In fact you sound like the only adult in his life who cares for him.

Doesn't the mum resent the screen use? I'd be horrified if my dc spent dcery weekend constantly on a screen.

Can he see friends? Pick one up and take them to a park. Basketball is really popular around here. Or perhaps they could ride bikes together. Your dh can take dd at the same time.

To be honest it sounds like your relationship is pretty doomed. I will wager your dh thinks working hard he "deserves" the weekend off. Newsflash for him. You can't do that when you are a parent.

One rule a lot of people I know is no screen between 10 and 3 on a weekend. Get out and enjoy the day!

Sounds difficult op and I agree that your dh needs to step up and parent both of his children better.
Do you do any activities at the weekend? Park/swimming/picnics/farm/zoo?
Can you take your dd out for a bit so the boys can have some time together? Then the next week take your dss out for a milkshake and leave dd at home with dad?
Screen time seems to be the main topic of discussion and I agree that spending all your time on screens aged 9 isn’t good - but will be the default of most 9 year olds if they’re bored, and your dh will take it that he’s happy and settled and then there’s no interaction.
Board games you and play together are good, baking and icing cupcakes or biscuits are another idea but ultimately you do need to make dh see that too much screen time is not doing anyone any favours and that he needs to step up.
You do sound like a lovely step mum. You realise it’s not dss’s fault and you sound like you treat him as he should be treated while in your home which is lovely to hear. I hope you can get your dh on board.