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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Can someone tell me it gets easier? Do I leave?

38 replies

bellbellb · 15/04/2022 14:08

Hello! So I know I'm most likely to get backlash for this thread. I'm just really hoping there is someone out there who can tell me it gets easier!

I've been with my partner for 5 years now, he has a 9 year old DS and we also have a 3 year old DD together.
I am really struggling with being a step mum, I always have..but just seem to be struggling that bit more recently. His son isn't a naughty child in the slightest, he's just a normal child who has his ups and downs, bad days and good days ect which I completely understand - we all have them right?! I just really wish I could click my fingers and feel more for him then I do
When I first met my partner he had his son 1 night a week, alternated between Fridays and Saturdays, this was perfectly fine and I enjoyed the time we spent together. Over the years it's grown to every Friday - Monday so now 3 nights a week. I just struggle with this which I can't help. I can't cope with the clash of parenting styles and where the line is for how much I get involved, I struggle that I can't lay down the same rules for his son that I do for my daughter because then I come across as the evil step mum who he resents (I've tried talking to my partner about rules which he sticks to for a week or two then resorts back to how things were before) he is a good kid but like all children there are things he can do and one of them is to constantly put my daughter down, he never interacts with her and he ignores her 95% of the time when she tries interacting with him and there has been times when my daughter has said that he has said some really horrible things to her when we haven't been in the room, he always denies this so we never had any clue who is telling the truth as it's a he said she said situation - I guess from a parenting point of view I struggle to see that every weekend when my daughter is OBSESSED with him (literally counts down the days in the week till it's Friday and he's here again) then he can't even give her a hug back when he comes through the door. BUT saying this, he's a 9 year old boy - I know this isn't out of the ordinary? Another issue i struggle with is the screen time that is allowed, this has been an ongoing issue for a few years now and it always comes back to him spending all day on a screen (sometimes more then one screen at a time), he has so many devices and he gets upset when you try to limit it, yet me being the one to always enforce it I'm fed up of coming across as the 'mean' one when it should be his dad doing it! This situation I solely blame on my partner as he should be stepping up - but my partner works really hard in the week and so likes to have some time to relax during the weekend, his argument is that 'what else is he supposed to do?' - I do understand this to an extent, but what did 9 year old boys do before electronics? He's got books, arts and crafts, drawing and figures ect here that never get touched.

I like to think I'm not a bad step mum, I never ever let on these feelings no matter how frustrated I am, I never allow him to feel pushed out, I show him just as much affection as my daughter and if I'm honest I let him get away with hell of a lot more too! Anything I buy for my daughter I buy the equal for him too, I buy all the Christmas presents and I spend exactly the same amount on them both, I buy him clothes, I've paid for us all to go on holiday end of May ect ect - I just wish with every inch of me that I could shake this feeling I really really do, I wish I could create more feelings towards him but if I'm honest I don't think he would be bothered anyways. He is a huge daddy's boy and loves it being just those two, which is obviously still fine.

I would never ever try to lesson the time he spends with his father, he enjoys spending every/all weekends with his dad and my partner would not have it any other way. I've just found myself in this rut where, it sounds horrible to say, but I dread the weekends and I honestly believe it is making me depressed. This isn't his sons fault, his son was there before me, these feelings have just got worse since we had our daughter because this is when I started to struggle with different factors.

I guess I was hoping to ask for opinions for what someone else would do in this situation, I can't help but keep thinking about leaving - but then I break up my family for my own sake when everyone else is happy. Do I suffer in silence and just get on with it?

(Please don't be to harsh on me, I'm not hating on SS, I know these are my own feelings I need to deal with and I promise he is always made to feel welcomed and that this is his home!!!)

OP posts:

Vsirbdo · 15/04/2022 14:18

I found the step parent role/relationship harder once I had my own DC too which I genuinely wasn’t expecting. I do think that him not being bothered by his sister is fairly normal but he should still be taught to be nice to her.
I found that on some issues if it wasn’t going to change and it didn’t effect me (such as screen time) then I had to distance myself from the issue and take a step back.

Marblessolveeverything · 15/04/2022 14:24

You are doing the best you can as an adult in a situation you were aware of .He is nine and spends every weekend with a little girl who has his dad all week -,not an easy place to be. So in his world she is not going to be his favourite person. How much time does he get with just his dad and him ? Lay off the rule enforcement, let his dad lead as otherwise you will be cast as the evil SM.

Original poster

bellbellb · 15/04/2022 14:40

@Vsirbdo

I found the step parent role/relationship harder once I had my own DC too which I genuinely wasn’t expecting. I do think that him not being bothered by his sister is fairly normal but he should still be taught to be nice to her. I found that on some issues if it wasn’t going to change and it didn’t effect me (such as screen time) then I had to distance myself from the issue and take a step back.

It's definitely become harder which I wasn't expecting either - I suppose before having my own daughter I just let my partner parent his son how he wished as it didn't affect me, now we both have to be parents and it clashes! I agree it's definitely normal sibling stuff which is why I bite my tongue until it gets to a point where it's being silly, it's just hard to see none the less! The issue with the screen time is my daughter is getting to an age where she wants to do it to and doesn't understand why he's allowed it more then her

OP posts:

Original poster

bellbellb · 15/04/2022 14:46

@Marblessolveeverything

My issue is that it wasn't necessarily a situation I was aware of until I became a parent myself - now I'm in this position where I either sit quietly and just deal with it for years to come or I break my family up.. it's really tearing me apart knowing the right thing to do if I'm honest

My daughter doesn't have him to herself all week, as I said in the post my partner works super hard all week and so leaves before our daughter wakes up and comes home just as I'm putting her to bed, the only time she gets to spend with him is on the weekends as well. It's easy to say to lay off the rule enforcement but then why should one child be allowed to do things the other isn't? It's a hard one.

OP posts:

Hmum0fthree · 15/04/2022 14:50

@bellbellb you need to sit down with your partner and make some rules that you both willing to stick to and enforce for BOTH DC, he can't have his iPad/Xbox all weekend and then you tell DD no after an hour? Its not fair but then why should you allow your DD her iPad all weekend when you don't want that.

This is something you need to sort now before your DD gets older and if you cant agree on rules to enforce I would personally walk away and make sure he's aware of that.

I also understand were previous poster says your DD gets her dad all week but she doesn't I'm guessing he works all day like most adults and see's her for an hour or 2 on an evening, its also not fair he is coming into her home and being mean to her if it is true, you need to do whats best for your DD and your own mental health.

GaryTheCat · 15/04/2022 15:01

Ah, OP, this sounds a really really tough bind. It seems the problem with 2 kids in the same home and screens, has been waiting in the wings and now it’s going to need dealing with.

I believe that your resentment is however misplaced.

By the sound of it your DH does about zero parenting. You’re doing all this emotional labour, probably all the Wifework, gifts the lot. There’s more to parenting than ‘hanging out’ with your kid. And you’re not the boys parent nor is it popular if you try and even out the stakes here for the kids (as you should).

And that’s the problem. A DH problem.

If he does not see that this is difficult for you and dd I would leave.

The only other option is that you go nuclear with this divide and tell dd that daddy makes rules for her brother and mummy makes rules for her. And when she cries, send her to daddy as he can explain why this is fair.

Original poster

bellbellb · 15/04/2022 15:09

[quote Hmum0fthree]@bellbellb you need to sit down with your partner and make some rules that you both willing to stick to and enforce for BOTH DC, he can't have his iPad/Xbox all weekend and then you tell DD no after an hour? Its not fair but then why should you allow your DD her iPad all weekend when you don't want that.

This is something you need to sort now before your DD gets older and if you cant agree on rules to enforce I would personally walk away and make sure he's aware of that.

I've tried speaking to my partner before, things last for a week or two, and then revert back to how they were before which makes this so much harder as I'm left feeling unheard! I don't mind screen time in moderation, but it's got to an extent where his social skills have taken a massive hit (which even my partner has agreed he can notice) and as you said, it isn't fair on my DD when she is not allowed to do the same, I really don't know how to move forward with this without being the evil step mum who always enforces it I am feeling like I will have no choice but to walk away as I can't continue clashing like this, although I'm then worried that if me and my partner split, all he would do with his time with her is allow her to be glued to a screen!

As you also said - my daughter doesn't even see him for an hour in the evenings in the week, absolute max of half an hour, although normally it's a quick goodnight before I take her to bed! So she doesn't get quality time in the week with him and the weekends are her quality time too but at the same time, she still adores her brother and dad so would feel bad for splitting the family up!

OP posts:

GaryTheCat · 15/04/2022 15:15

You’re not crazy, OP, just that your DH’s lazy (non) parenting is setting your blended family up for failure.

You need to do what’s right for your mental health. She’s still young. Co-parenting with him if he were to become your ex would have less of an impact on her than the massive divide that may continue for years to come.

Once I split with my ex I realized how important to children being happy (and feeling heard in your own home) is. It’s a big thing. Not a small thing.

Original poster

bellbellb · 15/04/2022 15:19

@GaryTheCat

Ah, OP, this sounds a really really tough bind. It seems the problem with 2 kids in the same home and screens, has been waiting in the wings and now it’s going to need dealing with.

I believe that your resentment is however misplaced.

And that’s the problem. A DH problem.

If he does not see that this is difficult for you and dd I would leave.

Thank you for your response!

The thing is, I really don't resent his son, he is just a child at the end of the day - siblings can be siblings and I'm sure if any child was allowed to be on a screen all day then they would be! I just wish that I had this connection with him that you hear other step parents having with their step children.

I 110% agree with you about this being my partners fault, he has always been a bit of a Disney dad and only up until around last year he was still expecting me to make separate meals for his son because his son only ate junk. The fact that you've clocked on to this without me actually listing all the situations in which my partner was more focused on being his 'mate' rather then his dad speaks volumes!

Thank you for your input though, really gives food for thought x

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2022 16:00

I think you need to calm down a bit in terms of stressing about not feeling more love/being a better step parent.

I think it sounds like your partner is taking you for granted a lot, yet you're the one doing all the worrying that you're not being an even better performing monkey.

Why are you doing so much for DSS? Why are you paying for so much, for example, and why was your partner expecting YOU to cook seperate meals for DSS?

I think you would probably feel a lot better about it all if you realised all this is DPs job, stepped back and made him do it himself.

It sounds like DSS is standoffish with you and DD yet you're doing way more than you need to for him and presumably doing pretty much everything for DD too. How does DP divide his time between the two children on the weekends?

springtimeishereagain · 15/04/2022 16:10

What does your h actually DO for either of his dc? How much parenting does he do? Why are you buying things for your ss and why are you cooking?

What does your h bring to your life?

I'd say you don't have a ss issue; you have a h issue. He sounds like a useless partner and parent.

MeridianB · 15/04/2022 16:30

Totally agree with @springtimeishereagain.

This is not about your DSS. Your DP is the problem here. It sounds like he is doing zero parenting. Allowing a 9yo on screens all day is bad enough if this was a nuclear family, but as your DO has limited time with his son, spending some quality 1:1 time together doing things that bring more balance into the weekends is crucial.

Being mean to a 3yo is poor. What has your DP said about this? I’d encourage your DD to detach a bit to save her disappointment.

Why are you buying all the Christmas gifts and clothes for DSS and paying for his holiday? What does his dad contribute to his son or his daughter?

I’d step right back. Take a nice long break from all the gifts, fuss, cooking etc etc. You can still be warm and welcoming but just let DP make an effort for a change or the imbalance in your relationship (and consequent frustration) will just grow.

YetiTeri · 15/04/2022 16:36

I'm sorry but you are being unreasonable here. One of the children is 9 and one is 3, in no scenario should they have the same rules. If your DD wants more screen time because her brother has it then you say 'yes when you're 9' like you would big he was your child. If you treat them like older brother, younger sister then you might find he does too.

Original poster

bellbellb · 15/04/2022 17:58

@YetiTeri

So when my daughter is 9, and I turn round and say 'no you're still not allowed to spend all day in front of a screen' - you think that would be fair?

OP posts:

Original poster

bellbellb · 15/04/2022 18:05

@aSofaNearYou

I think you need to calm down a bit in terms of stressing about not feeling more love/being a better step parent.

I think it sounds like your partner is taking you for granted a lot, yet you're the one doing all the worrying that you're not being an even better performing monkey.

Why are you doing so much for DSS? Why are you paying for so much, for example, and why was your partner expecting YOU to cook seperate meals for DSS?

I think you would probably feel a lot better about it all if you realised all this is DPs job, stepped back and made him do it himself.

I think it's just because we have had arguments in the past and he has forced me to admit that I don't feel the same level of love for his son that I do for my daughter, this resulted in him calling me vile for it. So feel this constant 'I should feel more'

I don't work, I go to University two days a week and spend the other 3 days looking after and doing things with our daughter/house work/studying ect - so it just naturally falls on me to do everything in terms of housework and childcare. He pays for rent and bills and keeps what is left after out of his wage, in return I use my student loan payments to pay for the 'treats' and nice things ect, so it isn't actually unfair that I pay for his sons things too.

He doesn't divide his time at all between them, they both get whatever time he has on the weekends at the same time!x

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2022 18:13

It's good to see he does at least spend time with your DD on weekends, your earlier comment about SS just wanting time with him and daddy on weekends suggested that might not be the case.

But you need to realise this is him gaslighting you. It's perfectly natural for you to feel a different level of love for your DD, this should be expected, and it's actually quite appalling of him to call you "vile" for it. His unreasonable expectations have clearly given you a complex that you do not need to have. You don't need to feel anything close to what you feel for your DD, getting on with him is enough. But the fact that your DP clearly does not see that makes it hard to imagine it getting better.

But he's the problem, not you.

Bonniebuttons · 15/04/2022 21:43

I completely understand the way you feel and totally empathise with you OP. I have had very similar feelings towards my DH and DSD who is coming up to 9. I have been in her life since she was 4 and she is a really pleasant and very well behaved child who, despite being very pandered to and indulged by DH and her grandparents, is no trouble at all to be around. We have a 12 month old DC together and I have found step parenting much harder since I had my baby for all of the same reasons as you. Last year was really hard for me and I even began to question if I had PND because I started to feel so low about it. She spends 4 days out of 10 with us and it can be very long few days. She is also allowed, in my opinion, way too much screen time and isn't independent or self sufficient in any way because DH really does baby her, goes out of his way to not upset her, so no discipline or routine, and doesn't encourage her to do anything other that watch YouTube all day and play games on his phone as he believes this is what makes her most happy. Whilst there are never any behaviour issues, she has no interest in anything other than tv, can't brush her own hair, can't get herself a drink, can't tie her own shoelaces. Until 12 months ago she was still asking for her bottom to be wiped and it drives me bloody mad that she relies on help for everything and isn't pushed to ever do things for herself. She is behind at school, despite not lacking ability. The teachers have raised concerns with DH and ex, yet there is never any attempt from them to encourage her to do some extra reading or anything stimulating. I genuinely have her best interests at heart and feel sorry for her that she is only fulfilled by sitting in front of a screen like a zombie. I have felt exactly as you do now, started to feel anxious and on edge when I knew she was on her way and hated feeling so frustrated and resentful towards her but I couldn't help it. They are children and it's not their fault. I have tried to fight her corner and push DH to do more with her, teach her some life skills, and I have sat for hours doing extra curricular stuff with her but neither of her parents follow up with it so I started to feel very tired of always being the mean and strict and un-fun one but felt a responsibility towards her. A few months ago I decided to step back from it completely. I no longer get involved or wound up if she sits watching tv the whole day, if she is allowed to eat rubbish all the time, if she is permitted to lie in bed all day if she's with us at the weekends. I figured my sanity, my blood pressure and my relationship with DH (who I actually love dearly) were worth more than trying to fight a battle I was never going to win. She is not my child, I have no real say in how she is parented and I never will. If she behaves herself under our roof (which she does), then I should just be happy to settle for that and I began to stop worrying about her prospects and her future. That, when it's boiled down, is on her parents. I can't tell you how much better I feel for it! I still get the frustrations and the worries but I just let them go over my head now rather than getting so wound up about things that ultimately aren't in my control. I feel much warmer and softer towards her and find myself much more receptive to her. She has been with us all week this week for Easter holidays and it has been so much easier for me mentally just letting DH make the calls on everything. She is his child, not mine, and whilst I have done my best by her always, I figured I would rather have a good relationship with her than not, for my DC's sake too, so it's been easier to just let stuff go and my peace of mind is so much better!
Just disengage a little, accept that he is there to spend time with his Dad, take a step back and give yourself a break. Step parenting is really hard OP. Those who find it easy and enjoy it all of the time are superhuman in my opinion. I was really sceptical that disengaging would change anything but I feared for my marriage and wasn't enjoying life so figured I had nothing to lose by giving it a go and I honestly find it has made a huge difference. Don't beat yourself up, your feelings are valid but give yourself permission to step back from it a bit. I hope things improve for you all soon. Sending love

harryclr · 15/04/2022 22:30

@aSofaNearYou is there anyway you could private message me?

trainnane · 15/04/2022 23:33

My DS at 9 would have had zero interest in a 3 year old girl. Sibling or not. He is only interested in boys to play with age 8-10. All his mates are the same. They will play on screens all day unless you make them do something else. They all do sports clubs both Sat & Sun and are made to go out to friends / park etc
If I'm the house and left to own agenda they'll be on a screen.
Sad. True. Normal

trainnane · 15/04/2022 23:40

I'm going to offer a different perspective. The young lad is living between two homes and it doesn't sound like his needs are really being met. All the boys I know thar age are constantly playing with their mates.. at clubs, at friends houses,in the park. They love family time if interacted with. They'll play games or do art etc if interacted with. He sounds bored so defaults into screens all day.

trainnane · 15/04/2022 23:49

I also think DSS's mum is letting him down. Sounds like she's palming him off to his dads every weekend. What is arranged for him to do??
Clubs / activities / play meet ups?!?!
He's 9.

BungleandGeorge · 16/04/2022 00:11

I think you have to reconcile with the fact that children don’t always like you, you’re there as a parent not a friend. So yes when you say to your daughter no free access to screens that’s ok, you’re the parent you make the rules.
The boy isn’t really spending weekends with his father because his father sounds like he can’t be bothered and let’s him have a screen so that he doesn’t need to entertain him. Is the free access to screens the reason he chooses to come to you? Has his dad discussed the issue with mum, is he the same there?
A clingy 3 year old is unfortunately not going to be attractive to a 9 year old. As a parent it’s upsetting to see them rejected but I think you just have to accept that the age gap is to great at the moment. I think a fair expectation is that he is polite, greets her etc. Could you ask him to read her a bedtime story? But you also need to make sure your daughter isn’t being really annoying.

YetiTeri · 16/04/2022 06:40

@trainnane is right. They should be at clubs/activities/at the park with mates and if not they'll be on screens. A lot has changed in how children play over the past two years. If you want him off screens you need to do something with him, expecting him to draw/read do puzzles/play with a pre-schooler is just not going to cut it.

Ivegotalovelybunch · 16/04/2022 06:46

Think you need to lay down some consequences for your DH and follow through with them. Tell him he needs to make some real change otherwise you are off. And mean it, go off to your mums for a few months

AndAsIfByMagic · 16/04/2022 06:51

You need to protect your child from the spite of DSS. His behaviour towards her is cruel and he's old enough to know it is. He's being deliberately nasty.

Your DH needs to address this as well as enforcement of reasonable rules. If he won't you'll have no choice but to leave.

Tell him that and see if he makes any effort to protect his child with you or if he still can't be bothered to discipline his son.

You are doing the best you can but you have to be the baddie to look after your DC.

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