Struggling to cope with stepchild this holiday

[KiriSun]

DH and I have 2 DC, I have 1 DC from previous marriage and DH has 1 DD (8) from previous relationship. I’m a SAHM and work and study part time. DH is the main breadwinner at the moment.

I don’t want to go into too much detail of the whys and wherefores as could be identifiable. Basically we usually have DSD to stay in the holidays, she doesn’t live close. I have a very good relationship with DSD and she has a great relationship with siblings.

DSD has recently come to live with us. I have done the lions share of caring for her which of course is fine, she’s family.

This holiday I’m really struggling. I feel burnt out. It’s tricky with my own 3 kids but having another child in the house has tipped the balance. She is very needy and constantly asking for things. I’m so stressed with it.

I feel like such an asshole. She’s well behaved and I do love her I just wish I could love her unconditionally and not get annoyed and I hate myself for not being able to do that. I don’t know what I’m asking really, just want to have a moan.

I think most people would feel burnt out looking after four children, regardless of whether or not they were step children or their own children!

Can her dad not take a couple of days off to give you a break?

So your DSD has had a major change in her life in coming to life with you all full time. What has her dad been doing to support her with this?

He has done a lot but as I’m a sahm the day to day childcare falls to me. He could take time off but then we’d just have less money. I do feel resentful but equally I do understand and we need his salary now more than ever.

I feel for you.

If she's constantly asking for things, can you preempt usual requests? Eg have a snack basket for them to help themselves?

@KiriSun

I'm burnt out with my own 2 let alone 3 and an additional one 😩 don't beat yourself up!!

It is draining keeping everyone occupied I feel you pain

We go on a walk very morning if we aren't out for the day, for about an hour and then come back for a
Snack and then I try to plan an activity before lunch sometimes a craft or baking or sometimes Just playing and drawing

Then lunch

Then sometimes we go out either for the afternoon or sometimes we're out all Day.

My kids seem better If they're getting out and about a bit rather than being in, but it can get expensive at some
Of these softplay places and paying for food so I Try to do free stuff with a picnic

Do you mean she's come to live with you for the holidays, or permanently?

I’d imagine she needs a lot of reassurance atm if she’s only recently come to live with you
Was she the only child at her mothers house?
It’s ok for you to feel burnt out that doesn’t make you a bad person
I think your husband needs to do as much as possible in the evenings not just her but all the kids to give you a breather

4 sounds draining. Your husband needs to be doing more so you feel less burned out

That sounds stressful OP. You sound like a really great stepmother but I'd be rocking in a corner with 4 kids so I take my hat off to you.

Can you rope in grandparents or pay for kids clubs to ease the pressure?

I thought I was struggling with just being in charge of 3 kids for half the day today! You poor thing. Does your DH have any time off at all? This Easter weekend? You might have to ask him to book some time off if this is going to be sustainable, although I get the money thing. Is there anyone who would look after one of the kids for you?

Is her living with you full time a permanent thing?

Ohhh four kids - hun I'm struggle with the 3 and one of them is a baby so not even in difficult stage.

Don't put expectations on yourself to love DSD as your own, as many find that unrealistic but love her for your own special relationship with her ?

Also I love my DC dearly but my god do they get on my nerves. This isn't about love or lack of or anything like that. It's just being a mum is hard 💐 you sound like you need some respite !

Also someone once told me with jealousy/resentment- if you find yourself getting jealous of DH break when he works - it's just a self reflective emotion and a sign that you need a break away too.

Ps shout of to any SAHM because I'm not gonna lie - you guys are rock stars and after lockdown I totally do not understand how your still standing at end of day (lockdown had me rocking back and forth in the corner)

Thanks everyone. Yes it’s a permanent thing. I gave it my all at first and now I just feel irritated and exhausted with her. It’s through no fault of hers, it’s all me and it makes me hate myself. I thought I was a good step mum but this has really tested me and I feel like I’m failing her and myself.

It's ok to give it 80% some days and just muddle through the day. X

You gave too much if you gave it your all. Find something and some peace and joy for yourself. To be a good parent you have to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. Find your oxygen mask.

Candles I'm so happy to hear your baby was born and is here you won't recognise my new username but I'm really glad to read your baby is here.

She’s been through a lot, moving from one home to the other. I think she probably feels very insecure and worried you will leave her too. Even if she can’t say that. The neediness is because she needs to know you’ll be there for her.

Could you maybe do a few one to one things with her and her dad do the same too?

I sympathise, im bad with my own children being needy.

First of all working part time and studying is not my definition of a SAHM, your work and study is more flexible but if you add those hours up how many more does your DH do at work?

Maybe you really do need to look at the division of home life because if you are juggling your work and study to accommodate your DH and the four DCs you absolutely will burn out.

@DragonOverTheMoon thank you - I have slightly tweaked username so I'm surprised you spotted me! I'm not gonna lie but his birth was probably the most traumatic thing I have lived through (and since I nearly died giving birth I feel like I have license to say that !) He had his surgery and currently thriving, not out the woods but nearly ! Good bless NHS

OP sorry to hijack thread - I posted here regularly about a situation and got the most amazing support from some lovely regular poster (at a god awful time) and just wanted to give a update ! Again sorry for the divergence!

No worries 😁