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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSC doesnt want to come to our house anymore

19 replies

TaighNamGastaOrt · 11/04/2022 23:02

Well, I guess it is inevitable. DSC14 has apparently decided they don't want to come here anymore.
Background-always been 50/50 custody. In younger years it was more 60/40 our way or more as mum wanted to go out/go on holiday. Which is her choice, and its always been fairly civil. Mum is Disney parent, we're firm but fair and consistent. Mum buys her out of guilt-thats her choice and I dont judge as everyone parents differently.

We do our very best for DSC and our own DC and try to be fair. Two years ago DSC mum told us they didnt want to come anymore except once a month. That was really hard but were told that was what DSC wanted.
DSC does not get on with mums boyfriend, so it was surprising so we just went ok fine. It was shit. DSC ended up having a nervous breakdown after 2 months of this and mum was on phone to DH constantly demanding help with DSC. Help we couldnt give as we didnt see DSC enough to engage.
So quickly back to 50/50 with DSC stating mum wanted to see them more. Counselling been arranged for DSC
Been absolutely fine until last year when DSC started asking questions about abuse suffered by mums family. Got DSC more counselling as mum denied any abuse happened.
We've always advised DSC mum loves them very much and to talk to mum but according to DSC mum is too busy with younger siblings.
Recently come to lite that DSC has been abused by a peer-DH and I picked up the pieces again and spoke to DSC mum to help/support the child.
So thats the situation and last week DSC mum informed DH that they no longer wish to come to our house. Maybe once a month.
DH is devastated, as am I. our DC are gutted also. Its a massive jump from lifetime 50/50 to once a month. Especially as DSC needs support now more than ever. Mum still doesnt know about counselling as DSC begged not to tell her.
But it is apprently what DSC wants. What can we do?
I love DSC very much, they've always come to me for advice. We have a good relationship, its me who showed them teen stuff-mum was too busy. (I did say to speak to mum-I always do)
This is what DSC wants so we are to accept it. I'm honestly struggling and DH is barely functioning. Any advice for a sad old stepmum?
i feel sick.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 12/04/2022 01:06

This part is confusing Been absolutely fine until last year when DSC started asking questions about abuse suffered by mums family. Got DSC more counselling as mum denied any abuse happened.

And have you actually spoken to DSC about them not visiting any more? Or just to the Mother?

Original poster

TaighNamGastaOrt · 12/04/2022 01:26

Apoloies for confusion. DSC was abused by mum family member. mum denied it ever happening when sadly it did. DSC started asking questions of mums family and DH and i were unable to answer them all. So arranged counselling to help.

DSC does not want to talk to us Mum claims. Honestly, I've left DH to speak to them as I don't want to say anything to upset them.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/04/2022 01:30

"But it is apprently what DSC wants."
'Apparently' isn't good enough, I'd be insisting on hearing it from the horses mouth. And - how would you be fixed to have DSC 100% of the time?

basdonamosla · 12/04/2022 01:32

I’d count your blessings and focus your love and attention on your own DC 🌸

LookAroundYou · 12/04/2022 01:33

I think you'll find that it's the mum who doesn't want DSC to visit anymore because you know too much. I would be calling SS for your stepdaughter’s stake!

LookAroundYou · 12/04/2022 01:37

@basdonamosla

I’d count your blessings and focus your love and attention on your own DC 🌸

This is a 14 year old girl, Who used to live with the OP 50% of the time and has discovered that in the past that she had been abused at their other residence, And you’re saying that the OP shouldn't be considered

Original poster

TaighNamGastaOrt · 12/04/2022 01:42

We would be fixed to have DSC 100% of the time as they are part of our family. The counsellor last year asked DSC why they didnt live with us as they seemed happier here. We do all running about and bend over backwards to accomodate DSC, take them on holiday etc. Never let them down not once.
I cannot force DSC to speak to me but I believe its mums words. As a step parent I have to put DSC's needs/wishes first. We will try to speak to them though.
@basdonamosla this is very very tempting but I have been there for 10 years, I love DSC. Besides that, DH would never give up on them.

OP posts:

basdonamosla · 12/04/2022 01:52

You’re a really nice person @TaighNamGastaOrt and your DSC is lucky to have someone like you looking out for them. Just do what you can 🌸

NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 08:24

Dad needs to speak to her one on one, no judgement and find out what she actually wants. Maybe he could take her out for coffee? Somewhere neutral. I know if my DH's ex did this I'd think she had been stirring the pot and trying to get maintenance so we'd want to be absolutely clear this is coming from DSC

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 12/04/2022 08:27

If DSC has disclosed abuse to a counsellor then they’d have a duty to report this to safeguard any other children who may be at risk. Even if your child doesn’t want her Mum to know about it.

KylieKoKo · 12/04/2022 09:53

I think her dad needs to get to the bottom of why your dsd doesn't want to see you. You might feel that you've provided a more stable home life for DSD but maybe she doesn't feel that way unfortunately. It might be from her mum but equally maybe your DSD isn't as happy at your place as you think.

I agree with the poster who suggested a one on one coffee or meal out with her dad to try to find out what is going on.

Lastly, for you own mental health and for the sake of your children who this must be disruptive for I think you need to accept that this isn't something you can control the outcome of. Her parents need to sort this out between them.

Original poster

TaighNamGastaOrt · 12/04/2022 12:37

Thank you. I absolutely agree DH needs to take them out to talk to them. I do believe ex has been stirring somewhat and this needs to be discussed properly with DSC instead of mum trying to guilt child into something. Which has happened before.
Maintenance never been paid, we will do that minus the ex's debts we're still paying off.
@KylieKoKo thank you, the absolutely last thing either my or my DH want to do is to control DSC. I absolutely have stepped back as is right and encouraged DH to speak to SC. If DSC says this is what they want then we have to respect that. I will be stepping right out.
I'm just really really hurt-cannot imagine how DH is feeling. But we;re the adults, its about how kids are feeling. Mine are going to be devastated.

OP posts:

NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 12:42

If he keeps lines of communications open, anytime DSC wants to stay they can, can always change their mind, no judgement etc. Then things might change.

Embracelife · 12/04/2022 12:47

Abuse shoukd be reported to police and support dsc to deal with the fallout

Original poster

TaighNamGastaOrt · 12/04/2022 12:49

@NotTheOW fab username-I should have prefaced my post with that-I was not the OW.
Absolutely though DSC is rarely allowed to change mind. once mum speaks its done.

OP posts:

longtompot · 12/04/2022 12:53

I too think dscs dad needs to speak to them and find out if this indeed what they want and not what their mum wants. Is the abuser still in contact with them, mum or dsc?

Toomanyradishes · 12/04/2022 12:57

I feel like I've misunderstood something fundamental here.

A 14 year old girl had been abused whilst in her mums care, which her mum initially denied.

The child has been offered counselling but neither the police or social services have been involved.

There are other children living with the mum, is anyone checking if they have been abused?

Now the mum is saying that the child doesnt want to live with you, and instead of going to court, getting SS invoved, putting your foot down your DH is rolling over and allowing this to happen?

I dont get it, why the fuck wouldnt he fight this for his daughters sake to get her somewhere safe?

SunnySideDownBriefly · 12/04/2022 13:00

We had the same thing with my eldest two SC. They couldn't explain to us why it was but we knew it was because of their DM. We had to let them get on with it and just say that we were there for them whenever and that our house would always be their home. It went quite wrong at their end as their DM had her new BF move in who didn't want them around. Turns out she just wanted more maintenance money rather than her kids being with her but they are over the maintenance age and out of full-time education...she didn't realise my husband's payments were voluntary at that point...we were 50/50 too so he has never had to pay but always has. The kids have both moved out with partners now and have been too stubborn to come back to ours which is a shame...they didn't want to admit their Mum had talked them into it and we let sleeping dogs lie. never felt the same again after they left...too much hurt.

Original poster

TaighNamGastaOrt · 12/04/2022 13:34

I can see where you're coming from-I've had to be vague and change some details. SS and police were involved, DH did everything in his power to protect DSC but their mum made her own choices as a parent.
Spoke to SS years ago who basically weren't interested.
DH is not rolling over and will always fight for DSC, however at the same time its important to listen to what DSC wants. They're nearly 15, old enough to say what they want in court or out.
@SunnySideDownBriefly thanks, its really hurtful after doing our very best for DSC. DH is going to do his best to keep communication open and just say there will always be a place for them in our home.
Just heart breaking

OP posts:

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