Constant comparisons

[NotTheOW]

I understand that siblings get compared but there is 10+ years between my DC and the eldest of my DSC and everytime my inlaws visit almost everything DC does is met with "DSC 1 did that (and usually at a younger age)" "DSC ate loads at that age" etc. I've had it with everything from naps, eating, walking, talking, blowing raspberries. No comparisons with DSC2 though but it's like DSC is being held as some kind of gold standard of a child. This isn't even only when they are here either, so it's not trying to include DSC in the conversation. Is this normal in any family? They don't seem to do it with the other grandkids.

I find this very annoying too OP. I tend to just say "hmm" rather than giving a proper answer, and change the subject.

My auntie does this with her stepson's ds and my cousin's (her niece, not her daughter) ds as they were born 1 day apart.
My cousin handles it really well by being super enthusiastic about whatever she says.
For example:
Aunt- wow, look at R walking! T is barely even crawling
Cousin- well they all do it at different times. Some babies don't crawl at all.

It shuts down the comparison and leaves nothing more to be said

Thank you glad it is not just me. I do kind of just go ok or hmm. I find it hard when they keep reminiscing about my DH's life with the ex. Sometimes DH reminds them it wasn't all roses.

@NotTheOW

Thank you glad it is not just me. I do kind of just go ok or hmm. I find it hard when they keep reminiscing about my DH's life with the ex. Sometimes DH reminds them it wasn't all roses.

At a certain point my DP just said it was a shit time for him so not something he or me enjoyed reminiscing about, bluntly. They don't seem to do it as much anymore. I would ask him to say more to them.

But in all honesty, this kind of obvious lack of consideration just made me avoid them for a long time. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Aunt- wow, look at R walking! T is barely even crawling
Cousin- well they all do it at different times. Some babies don't crawl at all.

Is R your cousins baby? If so that's really great of her. I feel as my child is the one who is being judged it's hard as I don't want to come across overly defensive! One thing I have found helpful is to give myself a point every time I get one and then award my self Ferrero Roche at the end of the visit accordingly.

At a certain point my DP just said it was a shit time for him so not something he or me enjoyed reminiscing about, bluntly. I've been there when he's spoken to them and thought he was pretty clear but yes maybe he needs to be blunt about it .

It does feel like they have just erased the difficult breakup from their memories. They still send Christmas cards and wondered if we were inviting her to our wedding. Which if you knew their relationship would be an absolute no!

@NotTheOW now I have sympathy for this because my Dd SM had a wee breakdown to me because my ex's ML seems to be making these types of comments to her and it's doing her nut in (only difference is obviously they don't have a baby). My Ex's mother in law wax's lyrically about mine and my ex's relationship, my cooking (I'm a extremely bad cook so this is baffling) and generally makes my DD SM feel like crap.

The mad thing is that actually my ex and me had a awful relationship and really badly as he cheated the entire time and ended up with my DD SM - (who was the other OW but she is lovely and I like her - so please no one say she deserves this crap because she doesn't)

I told her what I will tell you it means nothing other than they are passive aggressive people and to pay no heed. I told her me and my ex were totally not compatible and although the picture of "roses" is being painted. It wasn't.

I then told my ex to stop being Lilly livered and tell his mum to cut it out or he would lose SM and if he bodges up another relationship with someone my DD cares about I will put his head on a spike.

Best way to deal with passive aggression is sometimes to be very very direct.

Sending you hugs cakes and wine 🍷

Aw you sound nice looking out for her like that! You're right I think DH needs to get even blunter. I expect they will say he is bitter about it all. But who cares.

No step family involved, but I don't allow anyone to compare my two sons. I shut it down every single time. It's damaging to both children. I wouldn't allow anyone to set them up as the golden child and the one not good enough.

Is the DSS the first dgc? If so they are using him as the 'comparative' because he was first and they remember every milestone. I know you feel your baby is being judged, but he really isn't. It's just comparing, which is totally normal (albeit annoying) for siblings.

@mubarak86

Is the DSS the first dgc? If so they are using him as the 'comparative' because he was first and they remember every milestone. I know you feel your baby is being judged, but he really isn't. It's just comparing, which is totally normal (albeit annoying) for siblings.

Are you sure because it feels like judging. It's never anything my DC has done better at.

Can you think of a bland response that would cheer you up?

I'm not in exactly the same situation, but I would say something like ' Gosh, how marvellous!!'

I know that I'm being passive aggressive when I wheel out the word 'marvellous' but other people may not.
Cheers me up for some reason 😃

Think of it as them reminiscing about their golden days - when they were still young enough and enthusiastic enough to be central to a grandchild's existence. There were flowers in the garden and life was so much more simple....

@spotcheck good idea. I'm like "oh really?" Faking interest.