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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSS sleepovers…

16 replies

WarmingUp · 08/04/2022 22:52

I just need to know if this is normal…

For background DSS is 8 yo and lives with us half the week. While at his mums they sleep in the same bed (despite him having his own room and us asking her to stop as he struggles to settle here alone, this started about 1.5 years ago following a house move, no split or anything so no other chance in circumstance despite move, prior to that he was in his own bed every night). He asks to sleep in our bed which I am not comfortable with and this has been ongoing since he started sleeping with mum, it started to improve at ours and he is great at going to his own bed. However, over the past few months he has been asking his dad for sleepovers at our house and dad has been facilitating either in lounge or spare room, this was happening on average once a week and I said to DP it doesn’t need to be so often as he is already reliant on cosleeping. They still have them but my concern is he is sleeping in bed with mum 3/4 nights a week (we alternate between 3 one week, 4 the next) and then with dad perhaps 1 night a week, sometimes not at all depending if he agrees to a ‘sleepover’ meaning at 8 yo he is sleeping with an adult often 4/5 nights a week.

No safeguarding concerns but more so over independence, attachment, sleeping patterns etc. I don’t remember ever having sleepover with my parents at any age.

Is this something you do with your children/ SC? And if not, how do I speak to my partner about it or do I leave it to the parents to navigate?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

candlesandpitchforks · 08/04/2022 23:31

You know there was a very similar post a while ago almost same set up with mum and dad and SM and I have to say the ending wasn't a happy one.

I can't speak to the frequency or if it's a good idea but as a mum, the thought a 8year old in my bed just horrifying tbh. No thank you.

Have you spoken to your partner what does he say ? I would watch out for defensiveness re this, this may have been a issue in previous relationships as well if this isn't new behaviour for DC

Finallylostit · 08/04/2022 23:47

My eldest co slept for a long time - best advice actually came from ex mil.

They will stop when they are ready and sure enough he did. Nothing sinister - we had had a lot of trauma and he needed the security.

Have to say if my EX and his then DP had told me to stop - I would have stuck 2 fingers up at them.

Got a very well adjusted teen now who has no sleep issues

PunchMunch · 09/04/2022 00:07

I'm the same as the pp, my dd regularly stayed in my bed or I'd have a sleepover in her room at a similar age and she did indeed stop when she was ready. She's late teens now, brilliant at self regulating sleep times, goes to bed earlier than us most nights to be honest.

I totally understand not wanting him bed with you and that shouldn't happen if you are not comfortable with it but I kind of think I'd make extra allowances or his Dad having the odd night a week having a sleepover in a different room with his son.

If it started eighteen months ago, that means he will have had disruption to his daily life because if the pandemic as well as his mother moving house. That's two big events in his life and there's quite a lot of uncertainty now with the cost of living going up and adults worrying about Ukraine I don't think it's that odd for a child to want a parent nearby if they're feeling vulnerable or scared at night.

There's loads of adults on here and in real life who struggle to sleep or feel safe at night without another adult but it's in the form of feeling safer or more secure with their husband next to them in bed so i don't think it's that off a child needing/wanting a parent nearby at night too.

makeupocean · 09/04/2022 00:26

@candlesandpitchforks

You know there was a very similar post a while ago almost same set up with mum and dad and SM and I have to say the ending wasn't a happy one.

I can't speak to the frequency or if it's a good idea but as a mum, the thought a 8year old in my bed just horrifying tbh. No thank you.

Have you spoken to your partner what does he say ? I would watch out for defensiveness re this, this may have been a issue in previous relationships as well if this isn't new behaviour for DC

What was the ending?

candlesandpitchforks · 09/04/2022 05:04

@makeupocean oh just realised how that read ! Well I think the op spoke to her partner about the co sleeping and arrangements and turned out was quite concerned as the DSD had said she didn't want to be co sleeping with her dad and wanted her own space and dad kinda kept guilting her into it. I think (not 100%) the ending was they split because dad wouldn't move on it

I think possibly it's searchable if anyone wants to find it but that's what I remember.

In essence co sleeping is a family matter and although I wouldn't want to co sleep with my DD because she's a octopus, doesn't mean it doesn't work well for others.

AchillesPoirot · 09/04/2022 05:16

I had one child who slept in my bed til they were 10/11 ish. I can’t remember now!

They do stop when they’re ready and if they need the reassurance from a parent I’d go with the flow.

He’s had a lot of things happen in his life with his parents splitting, new house and pandemic.

Honestly, it’ll resolve on its own. He won’t be coming in when he’s 18! He’s really still pretty young, especially given the pandemic will have restricted his development for the last two years.

Ponderingwindow · 09/04/2022 05:17

Some kids cosleep longer than others. I remember thinking at 5 that we would never get DC out of our room. I was just thrilled that most nights we got her to start in her own bed.

I honestly don’t remember what age she outgrew it. Somewhere along the way they just stop needing us as much.

Someone once told me to not worry about it because there was no chance she was going to want to go off to university with mom. They were absolutely right. We are a long way from that even and she doesn’t even get a goodnight kiss anymore.

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 05:19

I think if it's not affecting your sleep I'd leave dad to sort it out. Or maybe suggest once DSC is asleep your DP comes back to your bed as a compromise. And DSC is free to come and wake him if he is needed

aSofaNearYou · 09/04/2022 09:39

I wouldn't do it OP but if it's not affecting you I would just leave them to it. They will no doubt stop at some point.

Starseeking · 09/04/2022 09:40

My EXDP used to bring his DS into bed with us from when he was about 5, which I was deeply uncomfortable with. After months of hinting that he should stop it, EXDP switched to sleeping in his DS bed with him, instead of them both sleeping in our bed. EXDP used to come back to our bed when he wanted sex though!

The relationship didn't last, but that was one of the many things which annoyed me about his parenting.

Starseeking · 09/04/2022 09:42

@candlesandpitchforks

You know there was a very similar post a while ago almost same set up with mum and dad and SM and I have to say the ending wasn't a happy one.

I can't speak to the frequency or if it's a good idea but as a mum, the thought a 8year old in my bed just horrifying tbh. No thank you.

Have you spoken to your partner what does he say ? I would watch out for defensiveness re this, this may have been a issue in previous relationships as well if this isn't new behaviour for DC

I remember that thread, it was this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4341952-dp-insists-on-sleeping-with-dsd

candlesandpitchforks · 09/04/2022 14:15

@Starseeking you angel thank you ! Glad I wasn't going mad !

PunchMunch · 09/04/2022 14:59

[quote candlesandpitchforks]@Starseeking you angel thank you ! Glad I wasn't going mad ! [/quote]
It's not similar or almost the same set set up like you originally said though. They're very different. That Dad was the one that wanted his daughter in bed with him because he missed her, that was adult led. It's very different to what's happening here.

THwife · 09/04/2022 16:36

My DD sleeps in my bed, every single night. She’s nearly 7. If her dad and step mum told me to stop it, I’d completely ignore them and probably laugh in their face. No harm is being caused and all the mum is doing is providing comfort. It shouldn’t affect time at the dads house, unless the child is particularly uncomfortable there?

aSofaNearYou · 09/04/2022 18:11

@THwife

It's totally fair enough to not stop on their behalf, but it's not really true that it won't affect time at dad's house. Of course it does, expectations set in one house almost always have an impact on the other. That's life as a seperated parent.

candlesandpitchforks · 09/04/2022 20:43

@PunchMunch to be honest I consider it fairly similar in my opinion because regardless if it's child lead or a parental decision my response to the OP was and is the same.

It's really not their call, and it's unwise to get into trying to change a dynamic that is existing for a reason because it's unlikely to end well. The op in the post mentioned had limited control then and the Op has limited control now.

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