How much Involvement?

8 replies

SMBart123 · 08/04/2022 21:23

My boyfriend & I have been together for 2 years. I let his 7yo & 10yo after about 4 months of dating. I adore them and we get on really well.

They live with their mum and he has them 3 times a week. They don't stay over (their/their mum's decision)

They have no structure at home, no bed time, 50% attendance at school (non covid related) and an unhealthy relationship with food. His ex has poor mental health and suspected drug misuse. My partner and his ex have a very poor relationship.

Social services have been involved for a year, and on Wednesday he gained legal responsibility for them after finding out she has no money, electric, gas and finding evidence that she has been using drugs.

He asked me to stay for the week to help settle them in and to support him and the girls. They have settled well. Obviously they are upset and miss their mum, but have been to school every day and are settling well into a routine. He's doing an amazing job (he's a very closed book and never shows his emotions- but he has done such a great job settling them in)

He hasn't done anything to limit their device use so far- they have passwords on their devices that he doesn't know. I saw one of them watching a video on YouTube with some kids chasing creepy clowns around.. it looked a bit scary and inappropriate for a 7yo. I mentioned it to him, but he still hasn't made his move. They are in their bedrooms now on their iPads. How much do I get involved in this?

We don't have our own children (and weren't planning on having any) but would have quite different parenting styles if we did.
I'm finding it difficult to find then line on my involvement in decision making... how much should I be involved? Help appreciated from a well-meaning but unexpected "step-mum"

OP posts:

Moodycow78 · 08/04/2022 21:27

It's so lovely of you to help but Tbh I wouldn't get involved at all, it's down to your DP, you and others have told him what he needs to do so over to him. Good luck x

TheCanyon · 08/04/2022 21:34

I don't agree with the above actually, as the neutral newcomer you might actually carry a lot of weight with the girls re this

candlesandpitchforks · 08/04/2022 22:16

So usually I would say don't get to involved in setting boundaries tech but big however unless your acting as a protective factor against abuse or harm.

The mum messaging she will kill herself is harm to the girls and anyone step mum, or family member knowing the situation would step in and set up the privacy settings and secure the tech as a protective factor.

Beyond that re tech use or how much stay well away. Go upstairs change those settings now pls.

Ps hope all goes well and the girls settle in ok. Also welcome to MN most notorious board !

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 05:24

Like @candlesandpitchforks says unless it's to prevent harm then I'd back off and let dad deal with it.

Social services today have recommended that he supervises their phone/iPad use (their mum messaged them the first night saying she was going to kill herself, which was obviously really upsetting) They are getting lots of support from us, school and social services, but seem to be doing okay. so this, I would raise in a, didn't SS say they needed to be supervised? Kind of way. And if he dismisses this you know he doesn't care and I'd consider dropping him in it next time SS visit as these kids need to be kept safe.

Vsirbdo · 09/04/2022 07:57

I think how involved you get depends on your hopes for this relationship and an open conversation with your DP is the best way to go. If you try to get involved and he doesn’t want it then you’re just going to run into problems and become the bad one in the eyes of the children. I openly asked DH if he’d like me to mention it to him if I felt the way he was doing something wasn’t the best way and he said yes; sometimes it’s tricky but we’re open with each other.
At this early stage i wouldn’t be directly intervening with the children though; they need to settle with their dad as their main carer

familyissues12345 · 09/04/2022 08:07

@OutingHobby

Like *@candlesandpitchforks* says unless it's to prevent harm then I'd back off and let dad deal with it.

I have to say, I agree with this. These little girls need protecting, and if your DP isn't going to step up then something needs to be said/done.

You sound lovely OP, these girls and their dad are lucky to have someone who's got their backs. I'm hoping Dad is just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

Good luck x

ilovemyboys3 · 09/04/2022 09:43

What a difficult situation to find yourself in. If your DP hasn't had the children living with him for very long, I'd imagine he's still finding his feet especially as they never had any sleepovers prior. He perhaps doesn't want to come across being very strict.
As another poster said, perhaps remind him what social services suggested in monitoring their devices for their own safety. Hopefully in time he will set boundaries. I can understand he is letting the dust settle as it were, but he may not appreciate it if you start trying to "mother" them all. Just try and support him and his girls and assist him as and when he wishes along the way. X

IceVolcanoes · 09/04/2022 21:05

Social services ‘recommendations’ if this sort aren’t recommendations. They’re telling him to supervise their technology use for important safeguarding reasons. It’s not a good thing that he ‘hasn’t made a move’ yet.

Flip