Advice needed on the stories my stepson has started to tell his biological mum

[Jordan303]

I would really appreciate any advice, as I don't have any friends that are also step parents and really not sure how to deal with this situation that has come up.

I met my stepson when he was only 1 years old. My partner and ex girlfriend broke up when he was very young. I didn't meet his son right away, but have known him since he was super young, so as far as he's concerned, I've pretty much always been around and seen him almost every weekend since.

He's now 4 years old and we've built a really strong bond. We have always got on like a house on fire, we have so much fun together, he tells me he loves me all the time and I say the same back. He gives me hugs all the time. If he falls and gets hurt, he runs to me for comfort. He comes round every weekend and, although there were tough times during his terrible twos, we always laugh together and play together. When he's on his way over, he always asks his dad if I'm going to be there and explains how much he can't wait to see me. When I'm not around, he apparently always asks for me and says he wants me to come home. It's been a dream and I always thank my lucky stars that it's gone so well.

Last weekend, the same happened, lots of fun, all positivity. He even kissed me on the cheek before he left and told me he loved me when saying goodbye. But today, randomly, out of nowhere, my partner got a message from his ex saying that she was concerned about what he has been saying happens when he's at our place. The most alarming being what he said when he came back last weekend. He's apparently said that I have been hurting him physically. Hurting his legs and tummy. He said that I hate it when he's with us and I get so upset that he's at ours, that I lock myself away in my bedroom so I don't have to see him, and he said he no longer wants to come to our house because I don't like him.

To say both my partner and are were shocked is an understatement. A real WTF moment. I am literally still in complete disbelief and honestly speechless. I have no idea where this could have come from. I always show him so much love, I'm never cold to him and honestly don't think I have ever even suggested I didn't want him there. I literally spend hours every weekend playing games with him, chasing him around (which is his favourite) and playing hide and seek. Honestly the whole weekend is about him and what he wants to do.

I tried to think perhaps I had tickled his tummy and accidentally hurt him or something, but I haven't! I haven't tickled him or really done anything physical apart from hugs when he asks for one. I did shut myself in a room one week, because I was really ill (I ended up learning I had covid), but even then we were blowing each other kisses from the door and I was telling him how much I missed him.

His biological mum said that although he does make up stories and has lied occasionally, she's getting understandably concerned and wanted to address it. She said regardless if it's true or not, I'm obviously showing resentment towards him and he's obviously feeling some bad vibes. My partner explained his shock to her and explained that I get on with his son really well.

I don't want to turn it back on his biological mum at all, but I do know she really dislikes me as I'm the new partner and has flat out refused to meet me. She carries some resentment about the fact that my partner moved on relatively quickly after they broke up. I'm wondering whether he has sensed her dislike of me and doesn't want to upset her so says bad things instead? I really don't know what else to think.

I don't know what to do. I'm completely floored by the whole situation. Do I continue as normal on the weekend? Do I give my partner and him a weekend alone together? Maybe he doesn't feel he gets enough time with dad? I'm at a loss and really would appreciate any advice or opinions on what could have happened for us to end up in this situation.

This sounds awful. I think the most important thing is that from now on you are never alone with this child. Even if this means your partner has to take him to the loo. This could be very dangerous for you.

If you don't live with your partner then I would avoid spending time with him when he has his son.

Agree, this is awful.

Also think maybe try to avoid being alone with him, but that's so sad!

Fwiw, I have a dc who is a similar age and we had a problem at nursery recently where we were hearing things like "I have no friends, nobody plays with me, nobody likes me" . I was worried and spoke to his key worker who said it dc has loads of friends, is well liked and plays with lots of people. The problem is that one particular friend who was a favourite has occasionally started playing with other people. Things can get mixed up in their heads a bit.

Lots of reassurance and trying to get him to open up about it if you can, would be my instinct

I would take a back seat for a little while. Let your DP spend time with him and see if there is anything to worry about. Could it be that he is telling ex things he thinks she wants to hear? Could anyone else be hurting him? Any big life changes that could have unsettled him?

You sound like you have a brilliant relationship with him. It would be easy and understandable to be hurt. But don't be. He needs you in his corner because there is probably some complex emotions behind this.

We live together in a fairly small flat, so quite hard to avoid and the only times I’m ever alone with him is when my partner has gone to the toilet! But will definitely make a conscious effort to ensure we’re not alone. I’m very aware that it he says something about me hurting him physically again, it could turn into something more serious

Definitely want to be in his corner. My only concern about taking a step back is him seriously thinking I don’t like him, which I don’t want. I don’t know what the right balance is, but will definitely try to leave him and his dad to it a bit and see if that makes a difference.

No big life changes from our side, I don’t think there has been from his mum’s side either. So very confused!

That’s certainly interesting. Do kids that age tend to make up stories etc? I really hope it’s either just a one off or a phase. I would hate to think our relationship is ruined.

I have a 4 year old and I think this is unusual she’s never said anything like that or made up stories of people hurting her, it is odd.

the only times I’m ever alone with him is when my partner has gone to the toilet

Talk to your partner and explain that due to the accusations it is better you aren't alone with the child even when he goes to the toilet.

Just seen your update OP so realise my response which echoes other posters of "don't ever be alone with him" is somewhat tricky.

But....don't ever be alone with him. Ask your partner to speak to his ex (preferably when things are calm and they can have a good conversation) and reassure her that her son is never alone with you, that your partner is always present. This sounds obvious but it's good to spell it out.

His ex is understandably worried about her son, rightly so, if she ignored this and something serious happened then she'd be at fault for not ensuring things were ok.

Kids can mix things up in their heads, and it can be tricky moving between households. Sometimes it's an attention seeking thing, sometimes they are trying in the only way they can to tell their parent they love them (by making out the other person isn't very nice and they don't like them, when really they do like them but don't want to upset their parent).

This must be horrible for you but try not to take it to heart. Reassure the ex. Never be alone with your partner's child and scale back your intensity with him. Hopefully it's a little bump on the road and it will blow over.

This might have happened because your SS said one slightly off thing about you (which kids do sometimes) and then his mum has inadvertently asked leading questions to try and find out what he meant, and he’s just kept going with the answers he thinks she wants to hear.

That’s certainly interesting. Do kids that age tend to make up stories etc?

Some kids do.

The ones I know who have done around ages 3-4, including my DD, are imaginative and have a good verbal ability at a young age. Incidentally there were/are no step-parents involved in their cases so the targets have been nursery workers and other children.

It’s highly likely that he’s trying to please him mum. He’s noticed that she wants to hear bad things about you. And she’s probably exaggerated and to some degree put ideas in his head.

Young children want to please. Often, if you ask leading questions like, ‘did X hurt you?’, they are going to say yes. Not because they’re lying but because they want to give you what you’re looking for. Questioning like that can also make the child believe things have happened when they haven’t.

It’s a huge problem for you though. Ironically, the mother is engineering the situations she’s complaining about. She’s making accusations that mean you are going to withdraw to protect yourself from allegations.

That’s prime age for kids making up stories, especially in a situation where he’s having to process his feelings around his parents being split up.

Also just on the ex not wanting to meet you. I never wanted to meet my ex’s new partner. It’s just not something I was interested in doing. It’s no reflection on her at all - it just was not something I wanted to do. I don’t see the point of it - if I trust my ex enough to be around the kids unsupervised then I have to trust he will be sensible with his partner choices. (His now wife is a challenging character and meeting her would not have helped the situation)

I know it's hard but yeah, don't ever be alone with him for your own sake. I would also reign in any physical contact personally. There's no need for it and then there can't be any room for misunderstanding.

@Jordan303

Definitely want to be in his corner. My only concern about taking a step back is him seriously thinking I don’t like him, which I don’t want. I don’t know what the right balance is, but will definitely try to leave him and his dad to it a bit and see if that makes a difference.

No big life changes from our side, I don’t think there has been from his mum’s side either. So very confused!

I think this is a time when you need to put your own safety first. If his mum believes her son then the consequences could be dire for you.

If you are worried about the impact of you stepping back then perhaps his dad can explain in an age appropriate way that telling lies like this is very serious and that you have to stay away in case he does it again. If he continues to lie about adults as he goes to school things could escalate very quickly. And if he becomes known as liar he might not be believed when he is telling the truth. It's better for all concerned if this gets nipped in the bud.

I mean, from what you've said, the cynical part of me thinks she's making it up. She has a problem with you whereas it doesn't sound like he does.

But yes, I would avoid being alone with him just in case and I would get your partner to have a word with him about what he's said.

I remember going to a meeting at the school when dd was due to start reception at age 4. The teacher, who was approaching retirement and had years of experience with that age group said "I promise not to believe everything your children tell me about you if you promise not to believe everything they say about me." It does suggest she was aware kids can make things up at that age.

Just googled children and lying and it said "
When do children start lying? Children can learn to tell lies from an early age, usually around 3 years of age. This is when children start to realise that you aren't a mind reader, so they can say things that aren't true without you always knowing. Children lie more at 4-6 years."

I used to teach Reception aged children. I have heard all sorts of things. One girl told me that her Daddy had died in a fire at their house. The fireman saved her and mummy. Dad collected her that day. No fire but she had been watching a Fireman Sam DVD at the weekend.

When I was about 6, I said that the teacher threw a chalkboard rubber at me and it hit me on the head. She didn’t. I have no idea why I said it.

But in all honesty, I would take this seriously because if it continues, it could have serious implications for you. Stop the physical games, chasing etc. Step back and let your dp run the weekend.

When my stepdaughter was 3 she called out to her mum that I'd just hit her. I'd been by her mum's side the entire time. We had (and still have) a great relationship but as a budding stepfather it put the fear of god into me because I knew how serious it would (an should!) be taken if she said the same at kindergarten or later school!

Luckily no repeats in the six years since, but there's definitely different reports of certain events given at our place and at their dad's. Luckily my wife and her ex have a good enough relationship to communicate well on such things.

The issue here is less what the child is saying or doing; the problem is that his mother has an agenda here.

Stepchildren conveying inaccurate accounts of what happens at dad’s (and how terrible their stepmum is) is in no way unusual. Even more so when they know their audience (mum) is keen for them to like her and her house better (even unintentionally). It might be useful for you to read about loyalty binds because that is the sort of thing that can drive this stuff.

You do have to protect yourself though. It’s is all too easy for you to become the villain and scapegoat here. Draw clear boundaries. Ensure you’re not alone with him.

Will your partner stand up to his ex? That’ll make a difference. He is going to need to support you and navigate his way through this.

My experience of stepparenting has been that my SC will absolutely lie and manipulate where they sense that both their parents will scapegoat me. It serves many purposes for them: they get extra attention (from everyone), they feel it’s the key thing in them getting their parents back together, they feel like they’re making their mum happy, they get spoiled more by their guilt-ridden father, and so on. It’s the toxic dynamic driven by their parents that’s the problem, which means I no longer am willing to have any contact with the children at all.

It’s awful to live with, and the lack of support from their father was intolerable. Feeling like you’re under siege and have to act defensively is exhausting. The constant narrative that you’re the problem/bad guy starts to affect his you see yourself. It’s really a dreadful situation. It’s impossible if your partner isn’t on your side.

I agree there’s a possibility he’s just said something vague and then been ‘led’ with certain questions and ended up at this.

If I was you I’d take a weekend away if possible. You have to think of yourself too - you sound like a great stepmum to this little boy but at the same time if his mum starts taking this further it could be a lot of stress for you. It’s very difficult.

@SoggyPaper

The issue here is less what the child is saying or doing; the problem is that his mother has an agenda here.

Stepchildren conveying inaccurate accounts of what happens at dad’s (and how terrible their stepmum is) is in no way unusual. Even more so when they know their audience (mum) is keen for them to like her and her house better (even unintentionally). It might be useful for you to read about loyalty binds because that is the sort of thing that can drive this stuff.

You do have to protect yourself though. It’s is all too easy for you to become the villain and scapegoat here. Draw clear boundaries. Ensure you’re not alone with him.

Will your partner stand up to his ex? That’ll make a difference. He is going to need to support you and navigate his way through this.

My experience of stepparenting has been that my SC will absolutely lie and manipulate where they sense that both their parents will scapegoat me. It serves many purposes for them: they get extra attention (from everyone), they feel it’s the key thing in them getting their parents back together, they feel like they’re making their mum happy, they get spoiled more by their guilt-ridden father, and so on. It’s the toxic dynamic driven by their parents that’s the problem, which means I no longer am willing to have any contact with the children at all.

It’s awful to live with, and the lack of support from their father was intolerable. Feeling like you’re under siege and have to act defensively is exhausting. The constant narrative that you’re the problem/bad guy starts to affect his you see yourself. It’s really a dreadful situation. It’s impossible if your partner isn’t on your side.

I’m now in the same situation, haven’t seen ss since January. Husband now stays with him at the in-laws EOW. It started with little comments that he didn’t like me after having had a seemingly good weekend with us. Husbands ex would send him recordings of the conversations which were absolutely led by her. It would absolutely break my heart but still I carried on trying with him. Husband would be in a panic about him not wanting to come over so would then be phoning them lots and going over for chats to work it out. Basically giving the ex and ss the attention they wanted 🙄 Gradually the lies have gotten worse and ended with him accusing me of treating him badly here and being verbally abusive. Husbands ex was adamant he was telling the truth but was more concerned with maintaining her child free weekends, so wanted him to keep coming over. I said absolutely not. We have a shared baby and I’m not putting myself in a vulnerable position. Husband hasn’t even explained to his son why I don’t see him anymore. So all ss will see is that he can say whatever lies he likes and suddenly he has his dad all to himself. I’m left with the resentment that because ss parents have raised him this way, our child loses their dad for a whole weekend every fortnight!

Any would his Ex make this up after 3 years of you being in his life?

I see SMs say this so often when they hear the SC has allegedly said ... they immediately accuse the mum of it.

It could be his imagination.
Or a dream he thought was real. I remember a dream as a kid that I was convinced was real..I thought there was/had been a bird in my bedroom in the night and was besides myself.... my mum said there wasn't a bird and I had a bad dream but I just thought she didn't believe me...as in my mind...it had been there. I was about 4/5 at the time.

I didn't actually know what a dream/nightmare was at the time.