DSC and homework

[candlesandpitchforks]

Feel like I'm gonna be flamed for asking this but I need advice and welcome advice from SP, mums/dads and children of SC but please can we keep the topic constructive as I'm sleep deprived and genuinely just need advice from the wider group to hopefully improve a situation we having rather than the usually unhelpful comments.

So background info (I won't write my life story on here so anything I have missed just ask)

• been with DH for 5yearsish - no I wasn't other women and yes get on great (on the whole) with DSD mum.
• DSD mum has a partner and been with him a while too
• have two children between us, each bring one child from a previous marriage and one shared child.

-DSD is 13 and non Nero typical. We have her 3 night a week.

So my lovely DSD is Brillant, funny and clever but we are encountering a issue which I don't think is step family isolated but that maybe playing a part.

DSD keeps getting detentions for not doing homework and also not going to detentions. Both mum and DH are are wits end because she's been saying she's done all her homework and even showing them "work" which turns out to be class work not homework. School have offered extra support as in homework club after school or in lunch breaks which DSD has been saying she's going to but turns out she hasn't. She's been punished for lying by losing privileges and tech on both sides (both houses mirroring punishments) but to no effect. Like 0 effect.

DH sits down with her on our evening and makes her do it with his help on our nights but DSD has started complaining to mum about this and it's causing issues because DSD says she wants to play computer and that's what she does at mums and is threatening to stop coming if dad "won't chill out about homework" aka not force her to do it.

Now usually I would not be getting involved
Mums approach is now if she goes to detention or doesn't, doesn't homework it doesn't matter, as "she was bad at school and DSC takes after her and isn't bright" - the problem with that is DSD is very very bright and i can see this having a negative impact on her future.

I'm not in any role to get involved other than to support but has anyone faced this and had any tricks that worked ? I would say we tried the whole reward but the rewards DSD will do for homework for is one computer game for one piece of work and that would slowly bankrupt us.

Mums spoken to me and she's said I have yelled, I have forced her to do it and she lies and says it's done and has said she just can't anymore. Which I totally get tbh getting one bit of work done takes about 3hrs per piece. It's a nightmare and there's a far amount of homework being set and non gets done without considerable effort

We did pay for a private tutor for her that specialised in NT kids and she said DSD was v bright and could do the homework but just didn't want to and this wasn't a capacity issue so much as a teen issue so mum said for us to stop it as it was waste of time.

I'm probably shouldn't care about this so much but DSD is really so very clever and I can see the school starting to write her off and DSD being lost in the crowd.

Also mum hasn't wanted DSD to have a official diagnosis shared with school due to her own reasons (in short she doesn't believe in nerodiverance and she's entitled to that view point but it's not my place to judge her either way only work within parameters I have got)

I feel like sticking head in oven and yelling. I don't agree that DSD is a lost cause on this front, but I'm at a loss at what to do next.

I dread the email ping when she's gotten yet another detention for this as both mum and DH are at end of rag and I'm pretty sure our approach must be wrong for this all to be going so horribly wrong.

I have spoken to DSD and asked why she doesn't do it if she struggling or go to detention and the answer I have gotten is "it's not because I can't do it it's because I don't want to" which to me makes sense if admittedly not helpful to the situation.

Help

@Ponderingwindow

The problem with really smart kids who don’t learn study skills is that eventually they encounter something hard enough they can’t coast anymore. It happens to all of us. I didn’t hit it until grad school, but it was an epic disaster. Schools really underserve this population.

This is really what keeps me up at the crux of the issue.

If I can get by some miracle the adults on the same page for DSD sake, I do worry how much the school can do.

Covids running rampant and teachers are like gold dust atm. Continuous teaching just can't seem to happen rn and that's really want DSD needs.

Pls no one mention homeschooling- I found in lockdown that not only would I make the worlds worst teacher but I quite like my DSD liking me. All I can say is teachers don't paid enough and I wouldn't have the skills to teach my DSD who I'm pretty certain maybe smarter than me.

It might be worth considering that she might have ADHD alongside ASD. That could well contribute to her just not getting things done and not being able to explain why - even though it’s getting her into trouble.

It sounds like it would be helpful if her parents would organise an assessment to figure it out.

@IceVolcanoes

It might be worth considering that she might have ADHD alongside ASD. That could well contribute to her just not getting things done and not being able to explain why - even though it’s getting her into trouble.

It sounds like it would be helpful if her parents would organise an assessment to figure it out.

I agree a formal assessment at school would be a lot more bloody helpful than all this "wombling" around. The problem is mum doesn't want anyone knowing DSD is non NT and doesn't want the school knowing (for her own reasons which I won't debate on as they are her own) and is threatening contact if dad tells the school which she followed through previously (when it was raised DSD needed some more formal help) and dad is worried about losing contact due to upsetting mum. And I'm worried about DSD getting caught up in frankly adult worries not getting the correct support in school.

It's as a SP with no legal rights head banging my annoying.

I hadn't actually thought that she have have two issues at play although DSD psychologist has mentioned it in the past but we had that point bugger fish to fry (which is a story for a different day), probably a case of being to close to the cliff face. I will have a look online and do some reading

She can focus on what she likes but that's more focus as in hyper focus, than ordinary focus of that makes sense.

Hyperfocus is a massive gift - treasure it. It comes with a big downside too - when you're on, you're on, but when you're off, you're off - click. I may have mentioned the person who is both the world's best driver and the world's worst pedestrian? (In terms of paying care and attention).

About the gaming. You could take the line that she will eventually bore herself stupid with any game - and that work is actually more interesting. All the DSC have found this. Does she have any pride in her intelligence? Or anything about herself that you can cultivate and capitalize on? Perhaps she would enjoy the challenge of writing her own games? Plenty of communities out there and game writing packages available. (An ASD teenager will slot right in, male or female). If she's hooked, they'll educate her as she goes - all sorts of useful skills get developed along with a game. Save you the effort

If your work sparks her interest, can you involve her in it for a day or two? Or Dads? One of my nieces looked over my shoulder early teens and promptly decided she'd found her line.