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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step son taking a knife to school.

46 replies

mamabr · 07/04/2022 16:18

Hello,
So I'm currently pregnant and I have a toddler to my fiancé. He also has two children to a previous marriage, they're in South America and are 14&15.
I've never actually met his two children nor have I met the mother, but she's very difficult to get along with. That's another story though..
anyway, the son (14 almost 15) went into school with a knife and the intension to stab a bully to death and then he was going to kill himself. He luckily didn't stab anyone and was caught and the school expelled him.
He is being bullied because he marfans syndrome and although he isn't that bad they still pick on him.
His dad has had anger issues especially whilst growing up and the mother (who is a psychologist) is saying his anger issues are hereditary and it's all his dads fault 🙄
Both kids don't want to live there and would love to move to Europe but the mother is holding back for whatever reason.
She also wont send him over either.
I can't do much in this situation but be there for my partner.
But, I am a little nervous in case he does come because I have two girls (pregnant with a girl) and I don't know if he will react badly because they've never met.
I don't know what to suggest to do..
she's complaining about his doctors fees but wont bring him closer to us and get better and cheaper healthcare.
It's also "normal" apparently for people to have guns and knifes where they are.
His mother has took his phone away from him to "punish" him also, but i feel like that's going to make him feel lonelier than ever and it also stops any contact his dad can make directly to him.

What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

mamabr · 07/04/2022 19:52

Since everyone wants to jump on a judgy bandwagon today.
He left the country to go back to his home country for very valid reasons, she went back on her word of moving over too (after having a house and job already set up here) I've seen the messages proving this.
I'm not talking about asking people for money or me just raising money in my own. I mean us both saving the money to get a flight and hotel etc.
it would be illegal to take him without his mothers permission so I'm not even going to say anymore on that really..

I'm not talking about what his father is doing. all I'm asking is what can I do to either help him or support dp etc. because I feel like a spare part.

People are so quick to judge situations that they don't know much information about.

It's non of your places to judge him on what you think he's doing or not doing.

If you have nothing nice to say.. then don't say anything at all.

OP posts:

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 19:53

There's not really anything you can do unfortunately

Thesearmsofmine · 07/04/2022 19:56

You feel like a spare part because that’s what you are in this situation. You have never even met any of these people! When did your DH last see his children? Surely he should be in the first flight o we there to support his ex and child.

Ginger1982 · 07/04/2022 20:07

Does your partner ever see his kids?

ldontWanna · 07/04/2022 20:15

@mamabr

Since everyone wants to jump on a judgy bandwagon today. He left the country to go back to his home country for very valid reasons, she went back on her word of moving over too (after having a house and job already set up here) I've seen the messages proving this. I'm not talking about asking people for money or me just raising money in my own. I mean us both saving the money to get a flight and hotel etc. it would be illegal to take him without his mothers permission so I'm not even going to say anymore on that really..

I'm not talking about what his father is doing. all I'm asking is what can I do to either help him or support dp etc. because I feel like a spare part.

People are so quick to judge situations that they don't know much information about.

It's non of your places to judge him on what you think he's doing or not doing.

If you have nothing nice to say.. then don't say anything at all.

Fine. What you do is tell him to jump on a plane and go over there. He can message the ex and see if she's willing to out him up but if not, b&b,hotel,air b&b,private rental whatever. He goes there and spends time with his son. As long as it takes. He assesses the situation himself,see what help is available,how good it is etc . But the most important thing is to be there and be a supportive father to his son.

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/04/2022 20:18

@Ginger1982

Does your partner ever see his kids?

Where have you been for the last 2 years? Covid, remember?

How many flights to S. America have you taken in the last 2 years?

@mamabr If you haven't worked out the hidden rules here, here's one:

A stepmother must always pay the costs of facilitating contact with the stepchildren. That includes flights, a second car, court fees, specialist barristers, you name it. She must be prepared to drop everything to go collect them whenever Mum requires. She must nag her DH until she's blue in the face to give 50% of his free time up to 1 to 1 contact with the DSCs. At this time she must vanish to the kitchen where she will rustle up a minimum of 6 meal choices for the delectation of said DSC. Laundry must also be done for them at this time, ironing and putting away in their bedrooms also. These bedrooms will naturally be the largest in the house and include the en-suite.

Memyselfandfood · 07/04/2022 20:19

@mamabr

Since everyone wants to jump on a judgy bandwagon today. He left the country to go back to his home country for very valid reasons, she went back on her word of moving over too (after having a house and job already set up here) I've seen the messages proving this. I'm not talking about asking people for money or me just raising money in my own. I mean us both saving the money to get a flight and hotel etc. it would be illegal to take him without his mothers permission so I'm not even going to say anymore on that really..

I'm not talking about what his father is doing. all I'm asking is what can I do to either help him or support dp etc. because I feel like a spare part.

People are so quick to judge situations that they don't know much information about.

It's non of your places to judge him on what you think he's doing or not doing.

If you have nothing nice to say.. then don't say anything at all.

Tell him to go see his child? This is serious. He needed to have got on a plane the moment his ex told him this. His child clearly needs him. You unfortunately can do nothing.

Kanaloa · 07/04/2022 20:22

Well they won’t have a big ensuite room in a house they’ve never even visited will they?

Personally I wouldn’t be doing all this to facilitate contact, but I personally couldn’t be with a man who needed me to. Imagine needing to nag a man about being an active parent to their own kids, to the point you’ve never even met your husband’s children or your own children’s half-siblings. It would sicken me. Plus you’d have to confront the stark fact that if you ever broke up he’d be as listless about your new kids as he is about his old ones.

Ginger1982 · 07/04/2022 20:26

@SpaceshiptoMars none, obviously. But there was life involving international travel pre Covid.

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/04/2022 20:36

@Ginger1982

Yes, there was travel, but the OP may only have been with her fiance for 3 years - so none of this apparent neglect is at her door. With 2 children together, it is hardly useful for people to have a go at her to LTB because he has kids in another country.

It all gets a bit heated here, and sometimes it's good to lighten things up a little.

PenelopePufferfish · 07/04/2022 20:39

It's a sign of your kindness that you care. But, unfortunately, there isn't a lot you can do here. You've never met any of them and they live in another hemisphere. I'd expect their dad to go and see them, and I wouldn't feel great about him if he didn't, but as for you specifically...not sure you can do anything except listen to your dp and if you have the spare cash as a family let him use it to go over? All I can think of

Ginger1982 · 07/04/2022 20:42

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@Ginger1982

It all gets a bit heated here, and sometimes it's good to lighten things up a little.[/quote]
I'm not laying the apparent neglect at her door though? I was simply asking if he sees his kids. It's on him, not her. He's the one choosing to live thousands of miles away from his kids.

candlesandpitchforks · 07/04/2022 20:49

[quote mamabr]@candlesandpitchforks
Thanks for your reply.
Yeah I think he is just desperate and that brakes my heart for him.
The school has expelled him so he has no other choice but to attend another, but I'm not sure on how well the other schools are either.
They live in basically a third world country..

He goes to see a psychologist already, but do you reckon there's more that he could be doing to express himself I suppose?
I don't think he'd hurt my kids at all, I'm more bothered that it would effect him more negatively?
I'm half tempted to try to raise the funds for his dad to fly over to pick him up in person, but obviously I'm hesitant because of my daughters (and we only live in a two bed) [/quote]
There isn't much you can do sadly. I would recommend upping counselling for this child. Sounds like he's stuck in a very tough situation.

It's a awful situation and I have very little solutions. You sound lovely btw it's clear you care about this young lad. I hope things come right for you all.

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/04/2022 20:53

@Ginger1982

It isn't so simple when people come from poorer countries to work here. There is a different ethic. Any money saved must be sent back to the home country - to literally put the food on the table. Nipping back and forth on the plane could be seen as 1st World solutions and a shocking waste of money. Basic needs have to be met first.

(The OP will be funding her own children, like as not).

Ginger1982 · 07/04/2022 21:02

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@Ginger1982

(The OP will be funding her own children, like as not).[/quote]
I read it as her DP being from the UK (or whichever European country they're in) though as she said he came back to his home country?

Who knows to be honest.

Original poster

mamabr · 07/04/2022 21:21

@Ginger1982
I'm not answering your question because you're only trying to use things to cause hate and I'm not into that.
We have been together less than 3 years and in that time covid has made us homeless and jobless with a newborn. Jumping on a plane isn't something we or he can freely do, we don't have that kind of disposable money.

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 08/04/2022 20:10

Op on one of your other recent threads, you're a single parent and on another, you're contemplating getting back with a toxic ex - so why on earth you're worried about his step son at this point is a bit confusing!

Original poster

mamabr · 09/04/2022 12:15

@CandyLeBonBon
I have been a single parent for the last few months. It was a toxic relationship for the majority, but we've come to an arrangement.
I don't see how this has anything to do with you or with what I'm asking?

Why am I concerned over my daughters half sibling, that's obviously in a very dark place? Hmmm? Maybe because I have a fucking heart?

Some people are such keyboard warriors. Jeez.

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 09/04/2022 14:58

Not a keyboard warrior at all op, just confused as to why you're referring to a man you've split up with, as you fiancé? If you're split up - then even though your daughters half brother is having difficulties, it's surely not really in your remit to deal with it, is it?

I'm confused as to why you are making this your problem to solve?

Original poster

mamabr · 09/04/2022 16:15

Because @CandyLeBonBon it would suggest that we are trying for another go at things.. I'm pregnant with his child. There's things that's happened that's made me think that it's possible.
It would be easier to not give a shit and say "it's not my problem" but I feel for the boy, I partly understand how he's feeling. So regardless of anything else, if I can help in any way, even in the smallest way then I will. Because I still give a damn about his feelings and the thought of a young boy being in such dispare, just doesn't sit well.
I can't solve his problems but I just wanted to help in anyway. Asking other mothers or step parents on this app if they have any advice. Since this app is here to ask for advice also?
But people are more interested in judging than actually helping.

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 10/04/2022 00:21

Honestly op, I think your ex partner's son is the least of your worries tbh.

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