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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step son taking a knife to school.

46 replies

mamabr · 07/04/2022 16:18

Hello,
So I'm currently pregnant and I have a toddler to my fiancé. He also has two children to a previous marriage, they're in South America and are 14&15.
I've never actually met his two children nor have I met the mother, but she's very difficult to get along with. That's another story though..
anyway, the son (14 almost 15) went into school with a knife and the intension to stab a bully to death and then he was going to kill himself. He luckily didn't stab anyone and was caught and the school expelled him.
He is being bullied because he marfans syndrome and although he isn't that bad they still pick on him.
His dad has had anger issues especially whilst growing up and the mother (who is a psychologist) is saying his anger issues are hereditary and it's all his dads fault 🙄
Both kids don't want to live there and would love to move to Europe but the mother is holding back for whatever reason.
She also wont send him over either.
I can't do much in this situation but be there for my partner.
But, I am a little nervous in case he does come because I have two girls (pregnant with a girl) and I don't know if he will react badly because they've never met.
I don't know what to suggest to do..
she's complaining about his doctors fees but wont bring him closer to us and get better and cheaper healthcare.
It's also "normal" apparently for people to have guns and knifes where they are.
His mother has took his phone away from him to "punish" him also, but i feel like that's going to make him feel lonelier than ever and it also stops any contact his dad can make directly to him.

What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 07/04/2022 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

GrazingSheep · 07/04/2022 16:42

^^
What pp says

candlesandpitchforks · 07/04/2022 16:43

@GeneLovesJezebel

Nothing, they are on the other side of the world. If any if this is actually true.
Weird flex ? Why would you say if any of this isn't true.

We could say that of all posts on MN tbh

CandyLeBonBon · 07/04/2022 16:44

Well there's nothing really you san do is there!?

CandyLeBonBon · 07/04/2022 16:44

Can not san

candlesandpitchforks · 07/04/2022 16:46

Although I agree with pp about doing nothing.

If they are half way across the world - guns and knives mean very little as they don't pose a risk.

Needless to say that if DSC is being bullied and has a disability (I'm not well versed on this condition do feel free to correct me) they might not be in the right mental disposition to be really held to account.

It also sounds like the DSC is being bullied and planned to take his own life, which as. SM I would be highly concerned about that as a bigger issue rather than if buts and maybes right now. This kid sounds pretty desperate for help tbh

CandyLeBonBon · 07/04/2022 16:47

@candlesandpitchforks people lie on MN all the time. Trolling is a full time job for some - but as troll hunting is banned on MN, I'd suggest that the PP reports the thread if they are not sure of the OP's veracity.

Original poster
mamabr · 07/04/2022 16:51

@GeneLovesJezebel

Nothing, they are on the other side of the world. If any if this is actually true.
Are you getting at that I'm lying? Or their mother is making it up?

I'm definitely not lying but I don't have to convince someone of that, and I don't think the mother would lie that he's done that. She's maybe exaggerate it but not completely bullshit

OP posts:
Original poster
mamabr · 07/04/2022 16:57

@candlesandpitchforks
I'm not totally in full knowledge of how his syndrome effects him, but it's mainly just it makes him look different. Like he's slim and tall for his age etc. but he feels remorse and is fully aware of what he's doing.

His mother is worried about his mental state but I think she's just at a loss on what to do and how to cope with a child that's so depressed. But had obviously took his phone so his dad can't do much either.
I just really feel bad for him, I was a messed up kid and just wish there was something I could do, if anything.

OP posts:
candlesandpitchforks · 07/04/2022 17:37

@CandyLeBonBon I agree totally. This thread isn't the most out there thread I have read on here

@mamabr tbh the DSC isn't being flippant around knife play or seeming like he doesn't understand it was wrong, it seems to be a desperate act of a desperate person (adults have done worst in similar situations). This isn't a child that just likes knives, it reminds me of what fox's do when backed into a corner. I feel very sorry for a lad who's being bullied due to a condition he has no control over.

If mum wants to help I would be suggesting focusing less on his "depressed "and more on he's depressed with a dammed good reason due to bullying and focusing on that. Can he move schools ?
Has she spoken to the school ? What can they do so safeguard this child.

I suspect he needs counselling and some extra support. Kids are cruel.

I have to say although I understand what your saying I don't think he poses a risk currently

Ponderingwindow · 07/04/2022 17:50

You have partnered with a man who finds it acceptable to live on a different continent than his children. What should be happening is that his father should be spending as much time with him as possible, preferably daily. Kids in crisis need intensive parenting. His dad should also be there with the mother, talking to the therapists, the school, and dealing with any law enforcement situations .

Original poster
mamabr · 07/04/2022 18:15

@candlesandpitchforks
Thanks for your reply.
Yeah I think he is just desperate and that brakes my heart for him.
The school has expelled him so he has no other choice but to attend another, but I'm not sure on how well the other schools are either.
They live in basically a third world country..

He goes to see a psychologist already, but do you reckon there's more that he could be doing to express himself I suppose?
I don't think he'd hurt my kids at all, I'm more bothered that it would effect him more negatively?
I'm half tempted to try to raise the funds for his dad to fly over to pick him up in person, but obviously I'm hesitant because of my daughters (and we only live in a two bed)

OP posts:
Original poster
mamabr · 07/04/2022 18:17

@Ponderingwindow yeah both parents should be there supporting the child in person. But before you start judging, you have no idea of any background.
Things arnt as black and white as they seem 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 07/04/2022 18:19

These are people you’ve never met. You don’t know anything about them - you only really know what your husband (a man who lives in Europe while his kids are in South America) thinks about them.

Let the mother and father of these children organise what will happen with them. What is he doing in all this, just sitting on his arse badmouthing the mother while you fret about raising funds for him?

MintJulia · 07/04/2022 18:25

There isn't anything you can do, and it is not your place to intervene.

If your dp brings either of his older children to the UK, then you could support that move but until that happens, worrying about it is pointless.

And are you seriously suggesting that your dp should fly over and bring him to the UK without his mother's agreement?

HollowTalk · 07/04/2022 18:33

Raise funds? Do you mean ask people to hand over money so that your husband can go and pick up this disturbed child and take him away from his mother?

Embracelife · 07/04/2022 18:38

So your dp dad to your school has anger issues? How does this anger show?

Embracelife · 07/04/2022 18:39

His dad has had anger issues

So you with a man with anger issues?

NuffSaidSam · 07/04/2022 18:43

The fact that it's you asking what you can do and not your DP speaks absolute volumes.

Maybe this child's problems stem from having a completely absent father?

Guineapigssweak · 07/04/2022 18:45

I think the father needs to fly over and talk to his son.

CPL593H · 07/04/2022 18:52

Do you not think the mothers "whatever reason" for not moving her kids to live with an absent father and a woman he's never met several thousand miles away might be valid?

So many women seem to take up cudgels on behalf of failing fathers. My advice would be to leave it to his parents.

Ponderingwindow · 07/04/2022 18:59

Taking the child away from his mother and sibling is not a good idea. The father should be going to support the child on location.

ldontWanna · 07/04/2022 19:08

When is the last time their dad has actually seen these kids face to face and spent any significant time with then?

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 19:35

How often does dad actually see them? Maybe he should try and fly over if he hasn't for a while, especially with the pandemic and all.

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 19:36

Both kids don't want to live there and would love to move to Europe but the mother is holding back for whatever reason. I imagine "whatever reason" is because it's a massive move to make!

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