Guidance sought for dealing with partners intolerable ex

[TDO90]

Hello everyone,

First time poster here, long time reader.

My amazing partner has two children, both under the age of 10 and I have one child myself. As a blended family, we all gel really well and I love my partner's children as if they were my own.

The only real issue we face is the behaviour of my partner's ex husband and I'm sure many of you will have faced similar situations and may be able to offer some advice.

My partner's ex is quite controlling and is often quite nasty towards her, it's unsurprising that she left him isn't it?

He regularly attempts to get under her skin with petty comments and insults designed to make her doubt herself as a mother and to disrupt her day/evening (my partner is an amazing mum, who always gives everything she can to make all of our children happy and it's incredibly upsetting to see her think of herself in any other way).

I wish I could let it go, but I see the effect it has and I want to protect her from this as best as I can, but without causing any damage to the children. It happened again this evening and I found myself feeling very angry and wanting to step in myself.

A reaction is clearly what he wants, which part of me is happy to give him, but I would rather find a solution that would end these petty attacks for good, but again, I really don't want anything to cause unrest for the children or lead their dad into attempting to disrupt our strong relationships.

I would love some guidance if any of you have any to offer and I'm happy to answer any follow up questions you may have.

TIA.

T.

Can you give examples?

HOW is he getting at her? If its by phone/text can she block him when the kids are with her or have a burner phone which she only uses for him? If it's in person does she need to see him? Can you or someone else do the handovers?

Stonewall

Only talk about the children

Only talk about the children when needed

Use the phrase “let it go”

To be honest, there's so many, but they're often small and needless.

Tonight's example is implying she's a bad mother because she's allowed his mum to have the children for a couple of nights during the half term, insinuating that she doesn't want to have her kids, which from our POV is laughable.

He always takes pot shots at her whenever she allows his mum to spend time with her grandchildren, he often attacks her because her own mother doesn't have them or see them as often, which unfortunately isn't something she can dictate.

@ivykaty44

Stonewall

Only talk about the children

Only talk about the children when needed

Use the phrase “let it go”

We do try this, but it clearly leaves him unsatisfied and he continues. The ideal scenario would be for him to let it go as you say, and just enjoy his own life, whilst being a strong part of the children's.

@LittleOwl153

HOW is he getting at her? If its by phone/text can she block him when the kids are with her or have a burner phone which she only uses for him? If it's in person does she need to see him? Can you or someone else do the handovers?

It's usually via text, but occasionally makes comments on drop off/pick up. Unfortunately, I'm often not there due to work, but if/when I am, I make my presence known (in a friendly way) to minimise this. Blocking him is something we would like to avoid as it may make things difficult to communicate when actually needed, but it may come to a point where it has to.

Then I think she needs a new number. Give it to everyone apart from him. He stays on the old one. And the phone is only checked when she needs to - or perhaps you can check it for a while.

How old are the kids? Do they have to be 'handed over' or can they just let themselves in? Do they stay with him overnight? If so can contact be rejigged so that he picks up and drops off at school to reduce contact? She needs to avoid seeing him at all at least for a while.

I moved to email only - conversations about the DC’s were responded to and everything else ignored. Shared online calendar for communicating dates/times and blocked on everything except phone calls when he had them. Any comments made at handover were ignored (or I’d have a good rant later with DP/friends). It’s hard to start with because it will likely escalate before it calms down but she needs to stand firm and not give him any reaction.

Move to email only. Anything not concerning the kids is strictly ignored.

Google the “Grey rock” method. We used this with my DH’s ex. It took a while but she eventually got the message. I also use it for the MIL but that’s a whole other story.

@LadyCluck

Move to email only. Anything not concerning the kids is strictly ignored.

Google the “Grey rock” method. We used this with my DH’s ex. It took a while but she eventually got the message. I also use it for the MIL but that’s a whole other story.

This. Plus counter his actions by telling your dp regularly that she is a great mum, showing your appreciation with little things, running her a bath, making her tea etc.

However, she has to co-parent with her ex until their eldest reaches 18 so she has to develop a thicker skin. Accept that he is a bitter spiteful unpleasant person and she must take no notice at all.

I'm 10 pls years in to this with 1000's of emails from ex .. Lesson 1, you cannot change people. Regardless of what you do he will persist which leaves only minimizing the impact of his behavior. These are the thing that have helped me:

1. Restrict responses to strictly matters concerning the children that need a response (not everything deserves a response... )
2. Answer once. If he brings up the same thing over and over, if a response if really needed you go with ''please refer to my earlier reply''.
3. Accept he will continue, expect him to continue.
4. Communicate by email only. Filter his emails into a separate folder. Your DP checks them as / when she feels able to.
5. Write the response you really want to send, then delete it. It's cathartic.
6. Give up on parenting consensus. Again an important one, I personally really wanted ex and I to be on the same page, I thought it was important. I learnt that of I say black he will say white, if I tell our child no he will say yes. I adapted my parenting to account for this and it helps. Google ''parallel'' parenting.
7. Trivialize what he says and him. Make his opinion meaningless, eventually it just becomes a predictable monotonous outcome a bit like the inevitability of lost socks. I know this one sounds odd but

honestly the turning point for me was stopping caring, not giving weight to his opinion / comments. Many will be to demean, undermine or indeed just hurt.

1. When the children are of an age to do so, have them communicate directly with their Father on as much as possible.
2. Resist the temptation for feeling responsible for updating him on every little aspect of the child's life. He is a parent, he should speak to the school, the doctor, the dentist, get to know friends, be engaged in their hobbies/interests, know their friends. If he chooses not to, well that's up to him.

10. Limit communication to contact (ideally have a fixed pattern, pick up at school, with agreed parameters for changes), emergencies and ''key'' stuff - illness, death in the family, major stuff.

It takes practice, patience and discipline but it's possible to completely disconnect (most of the time!).