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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

SS stealing and smoking

18 replies

sparklypoop · 30/03/2022 18:49

Ergh my early teen SS has been caught smoking, stealing and lying more than once. The repercussions of his behaviour never followed through and it all seems to be forgotten within a few days. My DP is still angry but MIL blames DP and says it's because he's from a broken home (when he was 3 and can barely remember) and that he shouldn't be told off! If mum doesn't punish (other than he can't play out, still has all tech and days out straight after) and DP isn't allowed to punish at risk of upsetting mum and MIL what can we do? We have younger children in the house and I can't deal with the aggression from SS towards everyone including them. Is this normal rebellion? I want SS to have good options when he's older but if he continues he is going to end up in trouble with the police or rebelling worse. Is there anything I can do, as a semi impartial person, to help him understand the implications of his behaviour?

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 30/03/2022 20:11

All you can do is stop bowing down to DM and MIL, and set appropriate punishments. His dad should not be shying away from that, it isn't the right think to do even if it does provoke backlash.

Original poster

sparklypoop · 30/03/2022 21:24

I get that but the punishment only then exists here and SS demands to stay with mum to avoid it

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aSofaNearYou · 30/03/2022 21:33

@sparklypoop

I get that but the punishment only then exists here and SS demands to stay with mum to avoid it

I totally get that feeling, it's so hard to have an effect when most of the time they are somewhere else with no reinforcement. But in terms of him refusing to come, I'm of the opinion that you can't be a hostage to that, ultimately you're doing him a disservice. If that's what he does, that's what he does.

MeridianB · 30/03/2022 21:37

How old is he?

I agree with @aSofaNearYou. Ignore MIL. It’s none of her business! Presumably she hasn’t been on the receiving end of the theft and aggression?

Also, his aggression to your younger children needs a zero tolerance approach from DH and you. It’s totally unacceptable.

Could DH get him some counselling?

Original poster

sparklypoop · 30/03/2022 22:01

We stub out the aggression to the little one immediately but he then creates lies about what little child was doing to him. MIL had seen all the aggression and on times been subject to it but is completely blinded by the broken home, she hasn't been stolen from yet but other family members and businesses have. He's 13, I think it needs a hard stop now before we all lose control, DM thinks it's just what the cool kids do growing up!

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MeridianB · 31/03/2022 08:10

13?! Oh my goodness. It’s not normal in my experience. Definitely the right time to address whatever is going on with him before it escalates or becomes engrained (and a really poor example to your little ones).

Are your DH and his ex and the school all working together on every available option? Could counselling help?

If your DH refuses to see this behaviour as a problem then he’s really letting his son down - this child clearly needs boundaries and consequences as well as support to get to the bottom of whatever is causing this.

Original poster

sparklypoop · 31/03/2022 08:52

I agree it's not normal, as does DP. No decent co-parenting going on, DP is angry and wants to find a way to resolve. DM and MIL blame SS friends, peer pressure, normal growing up, DD and anyone but SS.

I am exhausted as this is bound to get worse, I can see the natural progression but when I mention it to DM/MIL this is brushed off as silly. Surely if he bows to peer pressure so easily someone will target him to do something worse.

DP suggested getting professional support for SS previously and was outright refused by DM so it's like a rock and a hard place. I'm thinking of my DC, selfishly I know, they don't need to see this as their example of how to behave and nothing happen! They will start to realise that SS hides at DMs so doesn't get in trouble whereas they have 2 firm parents

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aSofaNearYou · 31/03/2022 09:05

It might not be a bad thing for your kids if he does hide out at his mum's.

My DSS is younger and has very different behavioural issues to yours, but we've also had years of dealing with the same problem as you - much softer boundaries in the other house, what we do has little effect and ultimately DSS chooses to stay where he has an easier ride. I wish I had a solution to it but sadly I think this is just one of those situations in life that can't always be worked around. It is what it is, if a child has an option there for an easier ride, they will take it. It's one of the perils of living between two homes that don't do things similarly.

All you can do is continue to do the right thing by him when you see him, and accept it if he chooses to come less. Reinforcing the lack of boundaries just to keep him coming to see you isn't helping him.

Original poster

sparklypoop · 31/03/2022 10:36

I know, it's an awful situation because we all want the same thing yet can't find a solution or common idea to help get SS to a better stage.

I don't want my DC copying him in any way but they love him and her upset when he doesn't come, which is whenever my DH tells him off. I can't imagine letting my DC decide where they were going based on avoiding being told off and they being smug about it. That level of control is likely one of the reasons for the behaviour, SS knows DM and MIL will make Dp's life hard if he upsets SS which undermines DP

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aSofaNearYou · 31/03/2022 10:43

I can't imagine letting my DC decide where they were going based on avoiding being told off and they being smug about it. That level of control is likely one of the reasons for the behaviour, SS knows DM and MIL will make Dp's life hard if he upsets SS which undermines DP

I know, it's painful to watch as it seems so obvious that this will be a huge contributing factor to the negative behaviour, but I guess some parents either genuinely aren't bothered by that sort of behaviour, or punishing their ex (or son in your MILs case) is more important to them than raising their child well. It's baffling, but there's just not really anything you can do about it.

MeridianB · 31/03/2022 11:20

Sorry OP. I misread one of your posts as DH was dismissing this as ‘cool kid behaviour’ but you actually wrote DM - my apologies.

This is very tricky. So hard for your DH to do anything when SS has two enablers. Presumably the ex wouldn’t countenance changing schools to remove the peer group issue?

Original poster

sparklypoop · 31/03/2022 11:55

I doubt it, she doesn't seem that concerned. I thought it was me being a bit dramatic initially when others seemed to think it was 'one of those things' and a normal part of growing up but I never behaved like that and if my DC did there would be holy hell

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ilovemyboys3 · 31/03/2022 13:46

I would most certainly be coming down on him hard with punishment when he's at your house. If he feels steeling and being aggressive is acceptable at 13, he will only end up in trouble with the police for more serious crimes as he gets older.
If he decides not to come to yours because of this then so be it. Your DH cannot condone his behaviour because discipline isn't the same in both households. Your children will pick up on his behaviour and i wouldn't want him around them if I were you. By not disciplining in him now will only result in a criminal record in his teens and then he will suffer throughout life with jobs. It's not normal teen behaviour and needs to be stopped.

MeridianB · 31/03/2022 16:39

If he decides not to come to yours because of this then so be it. Your DH cannot condone his behaviour because discipline isn't the same in both households.

This.

DM and MIL are living in cuckoo land. ☹️

Original poster

sparklypoop · 31/03/2022 16:49

Well he's not coming because of all the stress. I think we are limited on how we can shape him now and it's gone too far. It's like the deciding age in my view, if he's coddled and allowed to do these with no backlash he'll continue and the crimes will get worse.

I think a months tech ban, grounding and no treats would be a start with every additional act of stealing, lying, smoking or aggression resulting in an additional week would be a good start but 'he needs a phone' and 'it's already booked' means that can't happen.

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punkylaroux · 14/04/2022 22:17

We've been through this, SS now nearly 17 and now lives full time with his Mum. Never how we wanted it to end up as lots of problems that end that really didn't make it the best place for them, however he pushed and pushed and it became a horrendous environment here. Since he left, live has become liveable again for us all, I don't regret it at all, it's given us all our lives back, DC, DH & me.

Original poster

sparklypoop · 14/04/2022 22:47

God I hope it doesn't come to that. SS is a nice kid rebelling, think his parents need to work together, rather than it being good parent/bad parent (in terms of being soft) if this is going to be resolved.

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SarahDippity · 14/04/2022 22:53

Are there younger siblings on the mum’s side?

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