SD drama

[MG1985]

Hello! Back again for advice... this week has been awful with 11yo SD.

Her behaviour has steadily been getting worse since starting secondary school, lying about all sorts, backchatting, disrespectful etc. Nothing my DH does seems to stop it, she just gets more beligerent. She's fine at school - just the attitude at home is appalling and I'll admit I've lost my temper and shouted at her. I get that this age is bloody tough and there'll be hormones and fitting in to a new school to deal with so we make some allowances but it's making me anxious to be around her.

Anyway, this week she'd taken and used something of mine without asking (again) so was already in trouble but made it worse by repeating the behaviour literally 24hours later and it was a very deliberate act. DH and I agreed it was to provoke me.

Tensions are already high but then we're told by my niece that SD has shown her she has hides a knife in her room and uses it to "feel safe". When DH checks, it's not there, so we suspect she's taken it to school. Later that evening, he finds it on her and she's posting something to TikTok (which she's not meant to have).

I'm rambling a bit now... anyway. After getting her device from her and going through it, she's searching for things like "daddy issues" "hiding things from your parents" "daddy issues songs" etc and has made TikTok videos implying her dad is some kind of monster.

He is devastated. He has literally fought for that girl (we have her 50/50) and does everything for her. He immediately sent her back to her mum's because he was sobbing and she just had no emptional reaction at all but she's due back this evening and I think I'm expected to just let this go. I'm prepared to forgive and forget the taking stuff - it's small fry - but the lies and the knife? Saying stuff about my DH that isn't true? I'm struggling so much to overlook it and I've already made plans for the evenings on the days we have her this week as I just can't be around her right now.

I'm sad because she's had the best of everything and we've included her in all we do. I totally accept I came into their lives, not the other way around, and even when we had our own baby I've been so conscious of never leaving her out or treating her differently. She's a brilliant big sister, generally a really bright, kind and helpful girl but the past few months I've seen a huge change and am really frustrated by how DH and BM deal with it as it seems to be taking the flack for their lack of boundaries (she's allowed to keep her phone, still allowed out with friends etc even when she's been awful).

I'm thinking now maybe I've been too involved (been her stepmum for 11 years) and should leave the disciplining to them. She has a step dad on the other side that seems to not be massively involved with her at all (as in I do school runs, take her to dance classes, watch shows etc and we never see him) so maybe it's been too much. She's saying she wants more time alone with her dad.

I appreciate he needs to come at this with love and understanding as there's obviously something going on with her but I feel so sad and angry right now and I can't see how to get passed it. Do I just give it time? Suck it up? DH doesn't want to push her away but surely this is so serious a "chat" just won't cut it this time...

Ugh. Sorry and well done for getting this far!

Give it some time for you. And by all means back off a bit. She’s your SD but she’s not your child and you can legitimately step back when it’s all too much it’s for her parents to deal with.

However speak to DH that this needs serious action. If she is caught with a blade in school does she know she will be excluded, permanently, instantly? Does DH and her mum know this?

She would have to attend an alternative school without her mates and with other kids who have also been excluded. She could also get a criminal record, it’s so serious! And god forbid the consequences if anyone else gets hold of it, or she uses it.

She needs some strict boundaries and needs her phone removing. I have removed my DDs phone before when she has been doing things she’s told not to. And been told if shes not responsible enough to use safely she isn’t having one at all. Right now she’s not responsible enough to have it, so it goes completely. She doesn’t ‘need’ it at 11.

You need to have a chat with DH and lay it all out to him, but then let him deal with her.

I was willing to say that her behaviour was relatively normal for her age until I got to the knife and “Daddy issues” bit.

Being caught with a bladed article in public would likely result in her arrest. School would have to be made aware and they’d have little choice but to expel her for the safety of other students. She’d end up in one of those “secure” schools with all the other kids who have criminal records. Is that what she really wants for herself? Those places are terrifying. I can guarantee however “unsafe” she claims to feel now, it’ll be nothing in comparison to how frickin’ unsafe she’d feel in a place like that.

Plus, you mention you and your husband also have a baby in the house. You’re absolutely not unreasonable to insist your stepdaughter returns to her mother’s until you have some reassurance that she is no longer armed with a weapon when she returns to your home. If your husband has to search her every time she enters/exits the house then so be it. The safety of you, your husband and baby is paramount. You can’t be expected to share a home with someone who is armed with a knife, even if they are only 11!!

The “Daddy issues” thing sounds like the latest trend in cries for attention. Kids used to say they had bipolar disorder or depression when that was “fashionable” in order to get attention from their peers. Now child abuse is so widely reported these days, that’s the latest thing kids say they’re suffering from to garner sympathy from their mates/teachers. My two stepsons are of a similar age to your stepdaughter and have told me you can’t throw a stick in their school playground without hitting a kid who has supposedly got “issues” going on at home. Your husband and the child’s mother need to have a firm word with your stepdaughter. It needs to be made abundantly clear to her that false accusations of this nature will likely result in her father being imprisoned and her being taken into care. Is that what she wants??

I agree with previous posters that you need to take a step back. This is for her parents to deal with. Stop doing school runs, etc. It’s not your job. Your priority right now is to support your husband (I imagine this must be hellish for him) and to protect your own child.

Op just to clarify "daddy issues" is a song (which is found on tick tock) I know because my beloved SD likes sad depressing songs and plays it on repeat (although she has confirmed she just likes the tune not that she has any meaning behind it)

Being a step parent means you can step back. Sounds like maybe speak to the school and see if they have any concerns?

Why a knife? Is she being bullied in/on the way to school? County lines? Don't let this go, drill down. Point out to her that she is small and weak and a knife taken from her can be used against her. If she's scared, learn to run faster and maybe do some martial arts.

The TikTok stuff, yeah, yeah, moving on from id'ing as trans, so it goes. Each generation seems to find new ways of scaring the out of their parents... I'd be inclined to back up those searches elsewhere to cover yourselves.

OK, there were a load of asterisks after 'scaring the', but you get my drift!

“Send her back” brilliant
What do those of us do with DC / SC we can’t “send back”
Poor girl, it’s a difficult age as it is, she needs boundaries, support, consistency, and consequences for bad behaviour - but shipping her off to her Mother’s as your DH was ‘sobbing’ isn’t the answer! For context, I have a 13 yr old DD and 12 yr old DSD - so I know all too well about the hormones and mood swings and ‘borrowing’ of items.

Do you know for a fact there was a knife? And that your niece wasn't saying stuff to get her in trouble, knowing that with SDs troubles niece would be believed. Its a great opportunity for a teen to stir and cause a bit of chaos.

Thanks all for your responses - I appreciate them all. DH and BM are dealing with it and I've just asked that they impress on her the seriousness of having a knife about her. DH actually found it on her and it fell out of her hand so it's definitely not my niece being tricky.

I think it's right to let go of the responsibility for the time being, as much for me as it is for my DS (who is 6 now, so not so much a baby anymore - sorry for the confusion!) Being a step parent lately has been harder than I ever anticipated (because we've always got on so well before now!) and I know she's triggering me, as before meeting my DH I lived a life of walking on egg shells around my ex so I know I need to step back and not project my anxiety on to her too.

Thanks again all. I don't know any other step parents and it's hard to chat about with people who only can sympathise but don't really get it. x

@NellyDElephant

“Send her back” brilliant What do those of us do with DC / SC we can’t “send back” Poor girl, it’s a difficult age as it is, she needs boundaries, support, consistency, and consequences for bad behaviour - but shipping her off to her Mother’s as your DH was ‘sobbing’ isn’t the answer! For context, I have a 13 yr old DD and 12 yr old DSD - so I know all too well about the hormones and mood swings and ‘borrowing’ of items.

Knew someone would pick at this.

Fwiw, my DSCs mum has sent them to us a few times when they've been too much of a handful or called DH to ask him to come and speak with them etc.. In the same way that sometimes I hand our DC over to DH when he gets home from work because he's been a nightmare all day. It's really not the end of the world.

I have no advice re the issues but there is a tik tok trend involving a knife, my friends daughter who is 9 had a kitchen knife and was due to this trend. Not sure if maybe she had it for that seeing as she is on tik tok. Whatever is going on though she's clearly too young for the social media platforms she is using so needs some kind of parental control on her phone to stop her being able to download unsuitable apps such as tik tok.