FaceTime…

[SteppingUp123445678]

Will try to keep with the facts…

I have one DSC and we (DP and I) have one DC. Both are under the age of 7.

DSC here EOW, everyone gets on well.

About a year ago, DSC stopped wanting to come to us. Any contact at all would lead to a meltdown. It was hard. School put us in touch with CAMHS who advised no contact in between time but that visits should still happen (maintains boundaries, isn’t intrusive, etc).

Agree with it or not, it worked and things are ticking along again. However, facetimes from DSC have gradually increased again. Mum says that it’s DSC wanting to speak to us, CAMHS advised to set a day and time for such contact but it’s not been arranged. Things still going well though but we never instigate, we leave it to DSC.

Anyway, DC now getting to an age where they’re really missing DSC, etc and asking to call. I’m not really sure how to tackle it…we don’t really want to start instigating contact and end up where we did before but it doesn’t seem right to say it’s okay for one child to instigate and not the other.

Has anyone dealt with this before?
Any advice welcome!

I think you're at risk of a drip-feed here and you need to give a few more details.

Like, why is CAMHS involved? Why is no contact advised? That sounds like more than a meltdown.

If there's no safeguarding issue, I can't see why you would prevent siblings from speaking to each other so there has to be more to this.

Sorry, trying not to be too identifying…

It was an advisor arranged with CAMHS that the school told us to contact. DSC would have extreme meltdowns at our home ie not wanting to be here and the same would happen if we called, etc. We didn’t know how to handle it as we didn’t want to force DSC to come but obviously wanted to maintain a relationship so we took the advice of professionals and it worked. We all agreed to it at the time (DP and I met with CAMHS as well as DM and her DP). But not calls, etc are happening but led by DSC. We don’t want to start instigating again and these meltdowns happen.

No safeguarding issues.

Both under the age of 7 I'd stick to having a set time. You can't stop DSC calling if your DC is allowed to call whenever

When they get mobiles they'll do what they want anyway

Sorry, typo in my last post. It should show say “now calls, etc are happening again”.

It’s DSC that calls us whenever but we’re not to contact DSC. I think you’re right that we need to look at a day/time. Thank you.

@DuckyNoMates
Hoping we’re quite a long way off mobiles but it will make it easier when we get there!

Ahh for some reason I thought it was the otherwise round. Yes you should look at times/days again otherwise its not a great message to send your DC

How old are the DC?

I think i would stick with what you are doing - DSC can instigate calls but your DC can't. It might seem unfair on the face of it but it's DSC who had problems and your strategy appears to have worked (massive well done here btw). I would stick with it. Sit down with your DC and explain that DSC has two homes and might not be free when we call.

@toomuchlaundry both under 7yo in preschool/school.

@Nowomenaroundeh
I can see where you’re coming from but I don’t want DC developing issues around DSC in an attempt to rectify those of DSC, if that makes sense?
I’m worried that they see it as being it’s okay for DSC to interrupt what we’re doing but it’s not okay for them to do the same. It does seem unfair.

@DuckyNoMates
I suppose setting times means that we’re both free and nobody is interrupting anyone. If DC want to call another day then we can just say that we are calling DSC on X day instead.

It might seem unfair but their situations are not identical. Living between two houses brings extra stress. I would try to compensate for that in this small way.

@Nowomenaroundeh
Thank you but I just don’t know how to explain that to DC. They’re siblings and DSC can speak to us but we can’t speak to DSC to try and make up for the fact DSC has two homes. DSC can call when missing us but you can’t call DSC when missing them. It doesn’t really sit right with me.

As a society, I think there is so much advice about helping DSC with their living arrangements but very little advice on how to deal with challenges with younger siblings (half siblings for want of a better phrase). Perhaps it’s worth contacting the person that advised us in the first place

@DuckyNoMates

Both under the age of 7 I'd stick to having a set time. You can't stop DSC calling if your DC is allowed to call whenever

She's not wanting to stop dsc at all. She's wanting to allow dc the same freedom (or at least asking about it)

How does the father of these DSC feel about this? And the DSC no longer see their father? There is a lot missing from this story and not being allowed to FaceTime sounds horrible.

I mean, in the first paragraph OP talks about a visit from the under-seven DSC as long as it isn't 'intrusive'?...

Sorry, I was trying to keep it simple…

@AubadeIsIt
We are both torn about what to do.
DSC do still see us all…never stopped, just didn’t want to see us. CAMHS advised to stop contact in between visits as children feel torn between two parents, find the facetimes intrusive, etc.

I didn’t say anywhere about visits being intrusive. We all love having DSC here. Not contacting DSC between visits might sound horrible but forcing DSC to speak with us on the phone, etc is equally not great. Plus, it’s worked - hence the reluctance from our side to start it up again.

There’s nothing missing from the story, it’s pretty straight forward albeit not standard.

Being seen by camhs would suggest that child has a pretty significant mental health problem, neurodiversity or similar? They don’t get involved otherwise? So you will have to reconcile with the fact that that child will need accommodations according to their disability and the concept of the children ‘being treated the same’ to be fair doesn’t apply

@BungleandGeorge
Nothing more to it than I’ve said…no significant mental health issues, etc. Just as it says above. We simply went down the route the school advised based on what we’d discussed with them, behaviour at school didn’t change during this time.

It really is as it says above. As simple as that.

[quote SteppingUp123445678]@BungleandGeorge
Nothing more to it than I’ve said…no significant mental health issues, etc. Just as it says above. We simply went down the route the school advised based on what we’d discussed with them, behaviour at school didn’t change during this time.

It really is as it says above. As simple as that.[/quote]
Were they definitely seen by camhs ie referred to mental health services?