Food

[Mochatatts]

I have my step sons (12, 10) once a month for the weekend as their mums working nights/dad's on long days. Saturdays I also have my sons (14, 10) and we have a daughter together (1) Saturdays generally go well, including meal times. 10yr old SS will have something more adventurous, this week quorn wraps with lettuce, cucumber, spring onion.

Sundays are proving problematic. Both SS are very picky eaters, think nuggets, crisps, garlic bread, only carrots at a push, the very outside of an apple. We also have them two evenings in the week when we make meals to try and add variety but also accommodate tastes. So, Sundays I end up doing a freezer tea which they generally just eat the 'meat' bit chips and veg get binned.

Any ideas or suggestions, as I'm at the point now where I either want to say, 'I'll make what I want and they can eat it or have cereal', 'I'm not having them' or their dad has to sort all their meals for the whole day. I don't want to be the bad guy, we've been trying to improve their eating for 3 years now. Their father's also a fussy eater and mum feeds them what they'll eat.
Thank you

Well my honest answer is I wouldn't agree to this arrangement and if it was causing me any amount of stress then all the more reason not to do it.

I certainly wouldn't be dealing with the fussy eating. Just make what you want and they eat it or they don't!

Make what you want or ask dad to provide bag lunches before he.lives. As long as they are healthy and not vitamin deficient, why worry about their limited diets.. Their dietary preferences are very inexpensive , and it is not your job to expand their dietary exposure. You are creating an unnecessary stressor for yourself.

I cook one meal for everyone and of course I bear in mind likes and dislikes but I wouldn't be booking rubbish food. Cook one meal and if they're hungry they'll eat it; it not then they can go hungry! I'm sure they'll eat it if they are starving.

First option: make what you want and if they don’t like it, they can have cereal. Less stressful all round (assuming they actually like cereal).

Thank you for your responses.
They have little awareness of their own bodies and would happily starve.
They will live off cereal.
They are deficient in vitamins, minerals and daylight.
I genuinely care about their wellbeing in the short and long term. They're children and their fussy eating is a parenting issue from what I've observed, and heard from other family members.

Mine were young adults, but still, food issues. Vegetables had to be hidden well - minced small and added to soup, stews, bolognaise etc. Was royally mocked here for this, but I replace pizza with stuffed aubergine (onions, sundried tomatoes, cheese, lots of mixed herbs, garlic) - major success.

They won't eat wet food. Other than tomato soup for one and pot noodle the other.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. If they won’t eat what you’ve cooked then let them go without. They’ve got two parents to sort out their attitude to food, you are not one of them. Don’t make a rod for your own back trying to sort this mess out. You’re already doing your partner and his ex a massive favour by doing this arrangement every week, you shouldn’t be inconvenienced any more than you already are.

I agree with @tattler2 on this. Their dad can make them food to heat up at the appropriate time. It's up to him if he wants to pander to fussy eating or not.

Although like @aSofaNearYou I would not have agreed to this arrangement in the first place. Contact is to spend time with their dad not hang around with me while he works.

I offered to have the boys once a month as someone needs to look after them. Their nearest grandparent isn't able due to her own circumstances. Their relative nearby used to have then and now won't because of the eating issue. Other set of grandparents come for a few hours while I take my boys back to their dads, they live an hour away.
I agree it is down to their parents to sort childcare and their eating habits. But they're not. And it's the boys who suffer.
I agree the not my monkeys comment. No one else can be bothered with said monkeys though.
Looks like I've a DP issue, surprise surprise.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

What has their physician.described for the various deficiencies? Are the parents follow the directives from the physician?

You cannot fix that which their parents are willing to support. It is not very usual for many children in first world countries to suffer from vitamin deficiencies; they are much more likely to suffer from obesity.

You might ask your own physician for recommendations .

It’s very often a DP issue. I agree with @aSofaNearYou that their parents’ childcare issues are not your problem. You seem to have been landed with the usual SM shit with no ability to effect any positive changes that we see on here all the time.

Is part of the issue that you have a one year old, and the potentially damaging effects of your partner (and his ex’s) parenting choices for your child are only now becoming apparent? Are you worried that your child will copy them and you’ll be unable to do all the things that help toddlers to learn to eat reasonably because of how your partner is about food and allows hus older children to be?

I would feed them what they like to eat and offer something healthier alongside.
I've 2 SC and a DD of my own. The only non 'fussy' eater was my DSS. Meals when we had all 3 were usually a pic n mix affair. So everyone got to eat food they liked. Both DSD and DD have widened their ranges over the years.
Not feeding your SC's things they can eat when they come to you will just make for unhappy mealtimes.
A freezer tea once a month is no hardship for you or your kids.

I am concerned about the impact on the boys sister, of their poor eating habits. Also for their own long term health.
I appreciate a freezer tea once a month isn't a hardship and had been more than willing to cook it. But it invariably ends up in the bin. Tonight was more of the same, they ate very little.
I did suspect its a OH issue. One of many. I'm stuck for ideas of how make this once a month tea time less painful for everyone.

Will they eat things they put together themselves? Build your own pizza/burrito/tacos/toasted cheese sandwich/panini/baked potato/bibimbap. So salad or vegetables are alway on the table as an option but you’re not throwing any away off their plates. They might eventually start exploring some of the options. When you find something that works that’s acceptable to you just repeat it every time you look after them.

The younger one will build his own wraps. Including some salad items. This has proved a popular tea with amost everyone. The eldest will just want chicken or cheese and won't even eat the wrap.

@Mochatatts

I am concerned about the impact on the boys sister, of their poor eating habits. Also for their own long term health. I appreciate a freezer tea once a month isn't a hardship and had been more than willing to cook it. But it invariably ends up in the bin. Tonight was more of the same, they ate very little. I did suspect its a OH issue. One of many. I'm stuck for ideas of how make this once a month tea time less painful for everyone.

Have you considered feeding your DD separately so she's not exposed to it? I think this is what I would do.

I feel your pain - but I would continue with offering food you know they might eat alongside other healthier options, it's not going to make your other children fussy eaters.
Kids who are this limited in their eating often aren't enjoying it either and are struggling with taste/texture or something psychological. Food restrictions are often the only thing a child can control in their life.
Don't make a fuss at mealtimes and just let it be calm and non judgemental.
Most kids do grow out of this eventually. My DSD who was very limited in her diet is now able to cook and eat a decent range of foods as an adult. My own DD is gradually adding to her list of safe foods.
Has the possibility of ARFID been talked about at all here?

You say no wet food....would they drink a smoothie....if they were able to make it ?
Fruits ...to being then add in some carrot as it's sweet ..

Build you own wraps sounds like a reasonable option then. Youngest SC is enjoying it and eating a reasonably balanced meal. Oldest SC is eating something and probably prefers picking what goes on his plate rather than eating around what’s been put on there by someone else. It’s not your job to solve his eating issues in one weekend a month. If you’re offering a balanced meal and you’re not force feeding him, and he’s eating something, I think you’re doing all you can.

Your toddler will be fine. Toddlers are notoriously picky anyway, so if your DD sometimes only eats one bit of the meal (or none of it) it doesn’t mean she will also suffer from a very restricted diet like her older brother. Remember she also has you and your Dh and everyone else she eats meals with as role models. Watching her older brother eat a wrapless wrap or other nonsense once a month will not be the dominant influence on her eating habits.

Hard shell tacos might work well instead of wraps sometimes too - they are pleasantly crunchy and salty. You can offer the exact same fillings that are working ok for build your own wraps.

Your toddler will be fine. Toddlers are notoriously picky anyway, so if your DD sometimes only eats one bit of the meal (or none of it) it doesn’t mean she will also suffer from a very restricted diet like her older brother. Remember she also has you and your Dh and everyone else she eats meals with as role models. Watching her older brother eat a wrapless wrap or other nonsense once a month will not be the dominant influence on her eating habits.

I think this is a bit of a blase attitude. Toddlers do pick up on the behaviour of older children and copy - I agree that she's unlikely to be affected purely by them eating something in particular but if there are conversations at the dinner table about their fussiness, "I won't eat this or that" etc it may well rub off on her.

But it’s not every day. It’s not going to have an impact. It’s tempting to blame people around them but I have always eaten anything and everything and fed my children the same as me from a young age, I have one child who will eat most things and one very picky eater who eats a very limited range of meals. Just make them what they’ll eat and don’t make a big thing of it.

@ThuMuClu

But it’s not every day. It’s not going to have an impact. It’s tempting to blame people around them but I have always eaten anything and everything and fed my children the same as me from a young age, I have one child who will eat most things and one very picky eater who eats a very limited range of meals. Just make them what they’ll eat and don’t make a big thing of it.

That makes no difference, once they see something, they copy it. Some children will be fussy under their own steam but others will be copying what they see. I'm just saying, it's completely possible her toddler could pick up this behaviour from watching them.

I think it’s also important not to just dismiss the OP’s concerns about her one year old and the effects of these things on her child.

One of the hardest things about being a stepparent with a shared child can be that you are stuck trying to parent in the shadow of other people’s parenting choices. Those choices have effects in your home life and on your child but you have little - or often no - influence over those choices. You are stuck in damage Limitation mode or, worse, become resentful because your partner is allowing things that have a negative effect on your child and how you can parent them.

Food, in particular, can be a very emotive and challenging area. If the fussy eaters are your children you can make changes or do things to try to make a difference. When they’re stepchildren you’re often stuck with no influence and being made to feel like a bad person for disliking anything to do with the children.

Just dismissing her concerns doesn’t help with any of this. Acknowledging those concerns - and how the situation is activating her protective maternal instincts - actually allows her to think about how she can mitigate the situation and find a way of doing things that she is comfortable with.