Always what her and her DD wants to do

[Cheerios12]

I always feel like my DP and her DD call the shots on what they want to do at the weekend.
Today we had planned something but because DP sent her DD extremely late last night she's now tired and keeps moaning she doesn't want to go out now.
I said to DP we always seem to do stuff based around if she's tired or not and it's not fair on my DS. She gets every weekend with her DD and I get every other. So I'd like to make the most of it with him.

So many other issues recently with her DD. I've been so supportive and tried to help wherever I could. Don't feel like it's appreciated though.

Just do weekend activities separately. It's not fair to force to the children to blend unless they want to.

Wait until she’s a teenager !

It's not awful. It's actually quite perceptive of you to realise that the current situation wouldn't be a good one to move you and your DS into.
DD won't always be 10 but her behaviour and your partner's might always be an issue. You don't have to live with someone to be in a relationship.

I think a lot of couples with separate kids would be happier if they lived separately and the kids happier too, it’s better for you, better for your child and her child.

@Beamur

It's not awful. It's actually quite perceptive of you to realise that the current situation wouldn't be a good one to move you and your DS into. DD won't always be 10 but her behaviour and your partner's might always be an issue. You don't have to live with someone to be in a relationship.

I agree it's actually a good thing you've picked up on it.

Not awful at all - you should be putting your child first.

Your DS needs time just with you, not always with your girlfriend and her DD - take him out just the two of you, he'll be delighted to have you to himself.

How awful is it that you love your DP but their child determines the future of your relationship.

It's far from awful - parents should be considering their children's needs when entering into a relationship and if they can't make it work then the adults should be the ones to work around that.

@GeneLovesJezebel

Wait until she’s a teenager !

She's acting like one now

Thank you everyone, its helped to vent on here.
Don't get me wrong her DD can be sweet at times but these tween outbursts are hard to deal with.
The school are involved because of some stuff that's been happening and her DD is involved. At 10 she is also very manipulative and I'm finding that hard to deal with because my DP most of the time cannot see it. And I do not not my DS getting tied up in that

Did you insist that partner & DD joined you?

If so, it sounds like you ruined the day for your DS as maybe you would have have a better time just the two of you?

Maybe the DD is acting out because she was forced into something she didn’t want to do?

@BananaBlue

Did you insist that partner & DD joined you?

If so, it sounds like you ruined the day for your DS as maybe you would have have a better time just the two of you?

Maybe the DD is acting out because she was forced into something she didn’t want to do?

Whenever she does anything that she does not want to do she acts out. This isn't a one time thing.

You only see your son 4 days a month? That’s pitiful. Focus on your contact time with him, not your girlfriend, you can date your girlfriend and keep it separate to the kids , no need to drag them in to your dating life.

@NowEvenBetter

You only see your son 4 days a month? That’s pitiful. Focus on your contact time with him, not your girlfriend, you can date your girlfriend and keep it separate to the kids , no need to drag them in to your dating life.

Op didn't say s/he only saw their DS 4 days a month! S/he said they get every other weekend. Doesn't mean they aren't getting lots of weekdays too, but you can't go out on outings due to school.

Sounds like OP is not the resident parent of his/her kid though, and so needs to stop focusing on their girlfriend and how she parents her kid, and obviously on the 6yr old boy. It’s rarely of any benefit to a kid to be made to spend time with a parents new lover and their kids. From personal experience and generally obvious observations.

You don’t live together so there’s even less reason to be trying to have joint days out. I’m still confused. Obviously don’t move in together. Limit the time the DC spend together. If you want to carry on dating then do it when you both don’t have your DC. But she sounds like a pretty rubbish parent and that would colour my view of her and the future of the relationship. If she lets her kid stay up too late so she can’t do something fun the following day that’s on her. No reason it should ruin your night or your day after. Just carry on doing nice things with your son, focus your time and energy in him and you won’t miss your selfish partner or her bratty child.

Seems weird that your day out was dependent on getting your girlfriends daughter along - which you decided to do alongside your girlfriend and are now moaning about ‘attitude’. Any reason you couldn’t take your son out just you two? Are you unconfident to parent by yourself?

Calling a ten year old child who you don’t live with manipulative and blaming her for ruining activities you want to do with your son makes it sound like you don’t particularly care for her. Id advise ending this relationship tbh, you already can clearly barely stand your girlfriends child and don’t rate her much as a parent.

Not to mention 6 year old boys and 10 year old girls don’t usually want to do the same activities. Why were you trying to force it and her to go out and do your activity with your son?

If you only see your son 4 times a month then isn't that more reason to spend time just the two of you?
Stop trying to plan things with your partner and her child.
It's a pain in the arse and your son needs you more than he needs to spend time with them.
You don't need your partner to help you care for your son I assume so there's no reason to not allocate those few days a month to focus entirely on your son.

You don't live together do things seperately the age differences means they won't have the same interests.

Your ds weekends are for him to see you to spend 1-1 time with you his dad. Start making plans for just the two of you if your dp and her dd join fine but if not it shouldn't matter. It sounds as if you're trying to be one happy family, your ds is missing out on time with his dad and sounds as though your dps daughter has some issues that haven't been addressed.

It's hard on the kids and I know that it's easy to blame their behaviour on everything else but really she's just a child who's unhappy and that needs looking at.

Being a step parent is a thankless task and we get told how unreasonable we are all of the time. Keep your homes separate for now, you'll be grateful of the peace later on!

@Cheerios12 I think it’s great you’re calling out and seeing this problems now, especially as you are not living with your partner.

A few things.

1. as many other posters have pointed out. Based on EOW contact, that isn’t a lot of time and your son is young. Focus on the vast majority of that time being you and him. And be unapologetic about being ruthlessly selfish with that time. Do the activities that you and he love and crack on.

2. 10 is a very different age to 6 and girls mature at a different pace to boys. Whatever is going on with your partners DD, let her handle it. How robustly she parents/ is blind to her child etc etc is her choice entirely. In the nicest possible way, it’s none of your business. If she has issues, absolutely ringfence your son from them.

3. Do not move in together under any circumstances. These issues are unlikely to resolve anytime soon and in actual fact are likely to become amplified if everyone is thrown into one melting pot by the adults. It is not what will work for the children. Fast forward this by 4 or 6 years and you are looking at a 14-16 year old girl in a house with a 10-12 year old boy. Neither are easy ages to navigate.

I was in a 5 year relationship and both of us have children that predated our relationship. His children also had EOW contact and had a host of emotional/ behavioural issues. In the beginning we were both open to eventually cohabiting and my children would have been ok with it (not over the moon but accepting of it).

Over the following years, a few things highlighted why we categorically should never cohabit. My exp was very keen to. I was not. I could see the issues and quite frankly was not prepared to bring said issues into my home environment or around my children. I minimised contact overlap time to the odd EOW afternoon and no more.

My partner was deeply unhappy with my boundaries and was constantly on at me to do things with my DC and his DC. None of us wanted to and tbh it was deeply unattractive. I did at one point ask him if he even liked his own children given how reticent he seemed to have dedicated 121 time with them and was perpetually pushing them in my direction.

We split (in the main because of my hard boundaries) and I don’t regret it for a second. My home is beautifully peaceful and my DC are thriving, boundaried, respectful and just pretty damn awesome. We have a phenomenal bond because I prioritise my time with them.

You’ll blink and your DS will be 16. Focus on him. Leave your partner and DD to their own devices and butt out of their issues 😬

Whenever she does anything that she does not want to do she acts out. This isn't a one time thing.

All the more reason to protect your child but not insisting that SD is there.
You cannot control her behaviour but you can control your exposure to it.

I note you’ve not answered why you couldn’t do it without DP and DSD, early responders advised to go just you and DS, you didn’t and now you are complaining that DSD behaved badly?

It was in your power to avoid that.

@NowEvenBetter

You only see your son 4 days a month? That’s pitiful. Focus on your contact time with him, not your girlfriend, you can date your girlfriend and keep it separate to the kids , no need to drag them in to your dating life.

Huh? I didn't say this? I'm his primary carer. But obviously he's at school during the week. So weekends are our free time

@PriestessofPing

Seems weird that your day out was dependent on getting your girlfriends daughter along - which you decided to do alongside your girlfriend and are now moaning about ‘attitude’. Any reason you couldn’t take your son out just you two? Are you unconfident to parent by yourself?

Calling a ten year old child who you don’t live with manipulative and blaming her for ruining activities you want to do with your son makes it sound like you don’t particularly care for her. Id advise ending this relationship tbh, you already can clearly barely stand your girlfriends child and don’t rate her much as a parent.

Not to mention 6 year old boys and 10 year old girls don’t usually want to do the same activities. Why were you trying to force it and her to go out and do your activity with your son?

There has been alot going on. Including professionals and yes her behaviour is manipulative which my DP and school are trying to sort. It's not the fact I don't care because I do. I won't go into detail exactly what's been happening because it would be outing.

@WildFlowerBees

Your ds weekends are for him to see you to spend 1-1 time with you his dad. Start making plans for just the two of you if your dp and her dd join fine but if not it shouldn't matter. It sounds as if you're trying to be one happy family, your ds is missing out on time with his dad and sounds as though your dps daughter has some issues that haven't been addressed.

It's hard on the kids and I know that it's easy to blame their behaviour on everything else but really she's just a child who's unhappy and that needs looking at.

Being a step parent is a thankless task and we get told how unreasonable we are all of the time. Keep your homes separate for now, you'll be grateful of the peace later on!

Of course, I know she's unhappy. Don't know the reasons but I know I don't want that effecting my DS.

Tbh I have seen my DP is a bit of a different light with regards to parenting and maybe not meeting her DD needs.
I just feel it's a bit of a mess

Hold on, so you’re actually the primary carer for your DS and your partner only sees their DD on the weekend?

What are the actual (real) contact arrangements. Because being a primary carer is very different to EOW weekend contact. What it actually seems is that your DS is with their other parent EOW and with you the rest of the time.