Not even really sure what to do or even what we want to do at the moment. Sorry this is so long as I don't want to drip feed.
DSD (23) has blocked DH and is not really speaking to me. She has anger issues and possibly PTSD (trying to be fair and not drip feed) which means she does not really think before she acts or speaks sometimes and usually I am very good at not reacting.
This has always been a bit of a challenge over the years and there has been a couple of occasions in which she has blocked both of us or gone NC with us over the years.
I know she has had a really bad few years. She had DGC and there were terrible complications in birth. DGC very poorly, was in hospital for 3 weeks. Has global developmental delay and severe learning disabilities. This has been clearly traumatic for DSD. DSD is NC with her own DM. Myself and DH were there every day (this was before covid). I was able to take the time from work and DH gave up his then temp job so we could support fully. Taking meals to hospital they could heat up etc (they didn't like hospital food), taking things up to make lunches for them. Showering her post birth. Then when came home she wanted us there daily, struggled to come to terms with DGC etc and we tried to be as supportive as possible. I always take time out to take her and DGC to consultant appointments etc. Took food shopping as she didn't like doing it online and DH would look after DGC as her partner was at work. When DGC was about 6mnths old. She was in a bad mood and started shouting at me and when I told her not to shout at me in my own house she demanded to be taken home and went NC for a few weeks but we sorted it out.
Since then she has gone on to have another DGC, again took her to hospital appointments and waited outside for her due to covid. We have always had DGC1 stay with us, even during covid and lockdown to help her (she is a bit of a covid denier). Again had DGC1 when she went in to have DGC2.
She will call if she can't get something and get us to drop off items such as Nappies for either DGC or if she forgot to get formula and tobacco etc. nearly every week there was something she needed. They (her, her partner and 2 DGC) every week all day on a Sunday. Even if we wanted to go out on a Saturday they still insisted that they should come for dinner.
Anyway I suppose that isn't really the point and I don't begrudge I thin I just wanted to explain that we were close (or so I thought) as a family.
Despite being covid denier, they got covid a few weeks back. DSD was raging as it was before restrictions lifted fully and was really mad that even though it was her partner that had it at the time (not her and DGC as they hadn't been tested) we wouldn't have her and the DGC over on the Sunday as neither her or partner vaccinated and DH works in Care Industry. Following week we said they could come as rules had changed and they all felt fine. Got very angry message of her saying she didn't know if she was going to bother as we wouldn't let her and DGC over even though they didn't have covid (she didn't know this as they had not tested). Told her fine, do what you are comfortable with and so she changed her mind and came over - hence me rushing out to go get dinner before going to pick up.
Both Dh and I work FT, her DB lives with us and my DS also has partner and DGC. We are constantly knackered from always being on call for the adult DC and our DGC but accept that this is the choice we made (and are always scared to say no as we know we get blocked).
Anyway 2 weeks ago she was very angry. Was raging as her partner was going out with her DB and DSB (even though she arranged this as she wanted to go out the week after). They were out until 2.00am and she was absolutely furious, clearly had wound herself up all night about it. That resulted in us waking up and having angry raging messages by 8.30 on the Sunday about who dare he stay out, he didn't get up and give breakfast to DGC and she is kicking him out and he isn't coming for dinner. About 6 or 7 messages (we hadn't replied by this stage as we had only just got up) in she said she wasn't coming either. She also said she had tried to call me but I didn't answer.
I made the mistake of calling her. Normally she calls me by a nickname ALWAYS and this time she just answered hello 'realname' very cold. I told her that I was a bit shocked that she had called me that, her answer was 'well I am angry'. I told her that I thought that she was being a bit irrational as she had been out the previous month with me drinking and we had been out for over 10 hours. I admit that her use of real name threw me a bit and it was first thing in morning so I was probably not at my most diplomatic but I was not shouty at her or nasty in anyway. She just said she didn't want the conversation and put phone down. At this point I was so angry, as it was her that had tried to call me so I removed myself from one of the chats that she was putting all the angry messages in. Admittedly that was childish but if she didn't want the conversation I didn't want to see all the angry raging messages either.
At this point she started messaging me saying I was childish, I should have known she was angry and if she hurt my feelings then that was on me not her because she was angry. I just told her to leave it as I was not getting in to it with her.
DH messaged her next day and she told him that she had seen her partners message in which DH said that she could be like her mom sometimes (she has access to all her DP social media as she doesn't trust him). DH ened up arguing with her as she was saying he was chatting shit, using f**K emjoi etc. She blocked him completely.
After 4 days NC she then asked my DS's partner to get DGC chair and stuff back from ours. This is stuff that she gave to us as she didn't have room at hers and never used it. Fine, happy enough for to have it back but to me it was more of a you can't see you DGC.
Since then I have message and asked how DGC were and got ignored. She is filling her fb with posts about don't call my kids your anything if you don't ask how they are and various other passive aggressive posts.
I have't blocked her yet as I was hoping in part this would blow over.
Thing is I am really struggling. I miss her (even if I don't miss the drama of her IYSWIM). I miss the DGC, we are so used to seeing them so often that this couple of weeks feels so horrible - although I accept that we were clearly too involved as a couple of weeks without seeing DGC shouldn't feel this bad, lots of people do it all the time.
We don't know if we should just bow down and get back in touch and let it all go (she literally has nobody, her and her DP are splitting up because they always argue. She doesn't talk to anyone on her DM side of family. Her DP's family aren't allowed to see her or the DGC) and despite everything I do worry about her mental health as I do think she is probably depressed and she has diagnosed anxiety (although came off tablets). She is in a 1 bed flat and this is helping but she lost her temper with council couple of weeks ago and swore at woman who is now ignoring her email.
She has no real friends as she struggles to maintain friendships because if they don't agree with her - they get blocked. Even in school if she fell out with a girl, that was it for life.
We miss DGC terribly and feel so sorry for DGC 1 as his world is already limited (she will not get him into nursery because of his GDD) and now it is even worse.
Despite how I have written this I do love her, but I don't really like her behavior at the moment.
My main things are:
Doing something or speaking to someone like shit and then saying "well I was angry" without an apology is not ok.
When someone tells you they are hurt by you. Telling them it is on them because they are being over sensitve/dramtic is not ok.
Using DGC as stick to beat people with because you don't like what they are saying - again not ok.
Surely if people try to support you 90% of time the very rare time they tell you you are not being totally fair should not result in being kicked out of their lives.
I worry if we go back groveling (because unless we say we are sorry she won't listen) then this is just going to keep on happening? What if it happens again in 6 mnths (as I said it isn't first time), is it going to be worse as we see DGC again and get hurt all over again?
Honestly I know this is long, I have just tried to give context. If I have been vile and unsupportive then I am happy to go back and say I was sorry to her.
Do the passive aggressive FB post mean she wants us to get in touch or is she just proving a point? I am so confused.