newbie stepmum in need of help

[mojosmum]

me & my dp are now living together after 4mnths & i feel that dss doesnt want me involved in his life
dd gets on really well with dp but i just feel lost with dds

please help

how old is ur partner's child?

what makes you think dss doesn't want you involved - its still relatively early days to start building a relationship - I assume dd is living with you and dp so has had more time to get to know/build a relationship.

my partners son is 4

yes dd lives with us i think maybe it is that we just need toget used to each other & that im just trying to rush things but ive never been a step parent before & dont quite know what to expect hes a great lad & we get on its just hard

Just take it as it comes. He is little and it's a big adjustment. He might feel very conflicted about it all. Just be there when he needs you and don't expect anything from him. He needs to learn to trust you. It will be ok, it's still early days.

thanks beansprout

took me a long time after 4 month to be comfortable around my stepfather and with my Dd's took a long time with me being patient and understanding for them to except being around me and enjoying my company.
I think 4 months is a pretty short time for him to fully except you, to be totaly comfortable around you.

be patient and consistant and understanding is my advice dont push to hard cos your only push him away further.

thanks geminikate think this is what i need to know that its not me its just that everyone needs time

I am a stepmum, but I also have a 4 year old son and to be honest, it is a tough age even when you are the bio parent, they can be funny little creatures at times.

I would be more inclined to think that your dss is just unsure about you and needs a bit more time to get used to you being around. My son is very much a mummy's boy and doesn't really like other women, he is more of a man person and would happily talk the ears off any man but he's not the same with women, maybe your ss is the same.

What makes you think he doesn't want you involved?

xx

That does sound like him he loves my dad who he calls grandad

i dont know maybe its just me feeling insecure he just doesnt always aknowledge me dps there but maybe thats just cos he wants to spend what little time we have with him with his dad which i do understand

im just not sure what im ment to do arround him i dont want him to think im trying to take his mums place cos i wouldnt do that

I'm trying to think back to when my dss was that age, he is now 9, from what I can remember he didn't interact with me much, but then even now he's not much of a talker.

I just took every day as it came, some days he would ackowledge my presence other days he didn't, if he wanted to be with his dad all the time then I just stayed out the way, it prob helped that dsd was there and she loves me so we just done our own thing. I never forced him to accept me or to even be nice to me, I was just there, I sometimes bought him little gifts (obv dsd too) and we took them to fun places which didn't cost the earth.

I hope I don't come across as condescending in anything I write, it's really not intended that way I'm just trying to help you as I know how hard it can be. Being a step-parent is a very hard thing to do, you might feel as though you are constantly trying to prove yourself, I would strongly advice that you be yourself around your dss, try not to get upset by anything they may say to try to hurt you, they are just children and are hurting in their own way and when your dss is at your home make it fun time, bake cakes and cookies, rent dvd's and get a huge tub of popcorn, on hot summers day get the paddling pool out and have a good soaking.

Just try and be his friend, if he wants you to play thats great, if he doesn't thats fine too, or even start doing something you know he will love and ask him if he wants to join you or help.

I hope my rambling is of some sense to you xx