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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Having your own baby

32 replies

tasht333 · 12/03/2022 17:29

My partner and I have been together just over 3 years. I have SS aged 9 and SD aged 7 from his previous relationship and we have a 50% share of custody (week at a time). I've always had a really good relationship with them, especially the SD.

Just over 2 weeks ago my partner and I welcomed our new son into the world. This has been something we've all been so excited for, especially my partner's children.

I am now rattled with guilt and plenty other emotions that I'm finding myself resenting the time they are now here. I have been completely bowled over by the emotions I feel for my son, and the anxiety that I am finding comes with it. With his children here for 50% of his paternity leave I have struggled. I've not wanted to be around them, for them to be around my son and have resented the time they take their dad away from our son.

This makes me sound dreadful. Re-reading this I can totally see how selfish and awful I sound but I'm hoping to hear from others that May have been in a similar situation and perhaps coped better....how?....or can relate to how I'm feeling and also tell me how you worked through it!

OP posts:

lunar1 · 12/03/2022 18:11

It will pass, you are so full of hormones right now. You will see your stepchildren develop a relationship with their new sibling and you will learn to love/care for them in a different way.

Don't beat yourself up over the way you feel, you will be fine.

Finallylostit · 12/03/2022 18:13

Just remember your son is their brother - they are his family.

The father of all the children has to manage his time with all his children, which he seems to be doing, despite how you feel.

Let the post pregnancy hormones settle and don't beat yourself up too much. You are going to have to learn to del with this though - it is not going away.

User135792468 · 12/03/2022 18:21

Feelings are heightened and temporary. Remember the affection you had for them before and it will come back once your hormones settle. Your dh needs to manage this carefully and ensure he spreads himself evenly. Unlike your SC, your ds will have his dad all to himself for that week they’re not there. But, when they are there, each SC will still have to split their time with dad as they have 2 others to “compete” with for his attention. They will never get that one on one from him. Try and remember that if feelings of resentment creep in.

Tattler2 · 12/03/2022 18:38

OP, it will help if you recognize that there is always going to be an imbalance of feelings in your household. You will experience this child as special, unique, wonderful, etc. Your husband will as one of 3 special, unique, and wonderful children

You will work through your feelings, but only now do you recognise that what you felt for them is not what you feel for your son. There are many different kinds and ways of loving and caring. You may on occasion see yourself as part of a unit of 3. Your husband will always see himself as a part of a unit of 5.

None of the children will be impacted by the different perspectives as long as they are all loved and all treated well.

MeridianB · 12/03/2022 18:39

I echo that this will pass. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

You’ve acknowledged the feelings and you sound like a caring SM. Just take each day as it comes and don’t be afraid to ask DP for help.

Congratulations on your new arrival, too! 💐

Lorw · 12/03/2022 18:41

Don’t worry OP, it will settle, you’re just in baby protection mode, I think that your feelings are normal, don’t make yourself feel guilty for temporary feelings.

Christmas21 · 12/03/2022 18:41

I felt the same when DD was born, she's 2 now. Life is calmer when my DSC aren't here but my DD loves it when they are.
In time, I'd try and spend some time with each of your DSC to keep your bond.
We made the mistake that I'd do most of the work with DD when the DSC were here so DH could spend time with them so they didn't feel jealous. But it made it feel like a it was me and DD and DH and the DSC were separate and it effected my relationship with DSC.

candlesandpitchforks · 12/03/2022 18:43

Firstly congratulations 🎉
Secondly Hormones can really really mess with your head. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it or step mum shame yourself because of your feelings and set situation up as a them vs us (and look at how unfair it is you had a baby poor SC ect narrative people like to bang on about on this board)

They will pass, I promise the feelings will pass it is temporary . People have had "worse" thoughts post partum, all hormone driven. All forgivable. This is no different.

When you see the relationship develop between the baby and SC the feelings will vanish and you will be glad your child has siblings.

Your future self would want you to be kinder to your current self. Promise

HotDogKetchup · 12/03/2022 18:45

It’s totally normal OP. I am a step parent and Mum of two of my own boys. Even with my second boy I felt really protective of my baby when my first was around and you have all these conflicting emotions. Give yourself a break, your feelings are valid but not permanent. You feel how you feel right now and things will settle down.

homeedregret · 12/03/2022 18:50

I felt like this with my dc2 and dc1 was my bio child! I would have been happy if everyone around me disappeared and left me and dc2 as the only ones on earth. Thankfully it passed, hormones can do terrible things to your mind and body. Congrats 💐

aSofaNearYou · 12/03/2022 19:32

I'm always wary of saying it's just hormones without knowing what the dynamic is actually like when they are there, ie, if you end up doing everything for your DC. You can already see examples of that from commenters on this thread, it is common and it is not how it should be.

I would just bear in mind that it could he hormones, you are no doubt very tired and anything that makes your life harder will feel irritating. That's natural. But also keep an eye on whether your partner is leaving too much baby care to you.

homeedregret · 12/03/2022 19:36

Yes @Sofa I think it's fair to say that the OP might never fully feel the same about her dsc now that she has her own dc. It's how she manages the feelings of anger/resentment that will be important.

User310 · 12/03/2022 19:40

Op, this is normal. I had my son almost 2 years ago and I felt exactly the same. I met my SD when she was 18 months and when I had my son, she was 6- so prey close bond. I remember thinking how much I didn’t want her here and dressed her coming. She didn’t feel apart of my family. I never let her know this but I felt it. I also hated that she would cuddle her dad and demand his time when he had a new baby.

I am very happy to report that this only lasted around 6-8 weeks and then things returned to normal. I am now once again a reasonable loving step parent and once again feel she is one of my own when she is home with us.

Urghh Poor little thing, I feel terrible when I think of the awful things I felt.

Things will return to normality, everybody is just adjusting.

harryclr · 12/03/2022 22:26

I felt the exact same way about SD when my Son was born and had another child quite quickly after (18 months unplanned but my god hugely loved) and if im totally honest, all those feelings you've mentioned are still here....but i havent yet had the time for them to pass. I am too busy focusing in raising 2 under 2!!! Congratulations on your little one xx

MysweetAudrina · 12/03/2022 22:49

My eldest sd, 28 popped over earlier and took my 14 and 12 year old and my ddog over to hers for a sleepover. Their bond is so strong. It will pass, but can be overwhelming in the moment. Try and enjoy your baby and let your dh deal with the other kids. Don't show your resentment to him or the kids as it will confuse and hurt them. Just accept this is hormones and will settle over time.

Baaaa · 13/03/2022 09:27

I had exactly the same. Don't panic it gets easier as your hormones settle down and as your baby gets older they can all interact more and you'll feel more reassured baby is safe. You might not feel the same about the dsc and that is ok. As for dad having to split his time I did struggle with that too as I felt so vulnerable, the main thing I would say is to try and look at it logically (hard as hormones are around and everything is very new for you) as long as he isn't ditching you and the baby when the kids are here and his pulling his weight then it is OK. If he uses his other kids as an excuse not to help as much with the chores and stuff then that's not on. He has more kids than you so yes he will have less down time.

Baaaa · 13/03/2022 09:28

It took a good 6 months until I felt OK for the eldest DSC to be left in the room alone with baby while I popped out the room for a couple of seconds. It will pass.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/03/2022 09:32

Congratulations on your baby. It’s a massive massive change. While you’ve been in a parent role for a while with your DSC you’ve just become a mum and your life has changed completely. Stop beating yourself up, give yourself a break, look after yourself and hopefully these feelings will fade or pass in time

custardbear · 13/03/2022 09:53

It's a mix of hormones and a shift in dynamics in your home. It will pass, but as an adult, and someone who came into your step children a lives, not the other way around, you've got to step up and sort your mask out if that's what it takes. They're children and have no options, but they need a decent upbringing, support and parenting. You brought yourself into this so you have to step up to this responsibility and do the right thing by these little children.
Good luck and congratulations on your own child. Treat them how you'd expect your own child to be treated if they were unfortunate and parents split as a child

Sleepyquest · 13/03/2022 09:56

@homeedregret

I needed to hear this today! How long did it last? I feel like the worst mother

homeedregret · 13/03/2022 10:15

@Sleepyquest several months. In honesty, sadly I never bonded with dc1 the same way I did with dc2 and 3, for reasons that I haven't worked out.

PeeAche2 · 13/03/2022 21:45

Congratulations on your baby! This feeling will pass. You will never feel the same way about all 3 of them, but the intense feelings you have right now will not last.xxx

PineappleSundays · 14/03/2022 09:06

It's normal OP. Don't beat yourself up. The feeling will hopefully lessen over time.

I still prefer it when my SC aren't here but I don't resent it when they are either.

Original poster

tasht333 · 15/03/2022 08:48

Thank you to everyone that took the time to comment. It's is definitely reassuring to know others have felt this way and I'm not a monster! Everything is so new and such a shift in dynamics that I will trust in the process and time needed to adjust and allow for the hormones to settle. Thank you all again x

OP posts:

seaduck · 15/03/2022 08:52

To echo another poster, I also felt this with my own (biological) older children so don't be too hard on yourself. Postpartum is a weird intense time, but its good to be conscious of it too.

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