Heartbroken

[Heartbroken50]

Dh has just told me yesterday he wants to leave. Things have been difficult for a while as his dc (all older teens and young adults) have massive issues with their dm & also with dh having married again (we're married 6 years). For ages now I've felt like a mistress, stuck on the sidelines while he emotionally lives with his dc & exw. I've recently started back with therapy as I've been so unhappy and on the therapists advice I tried to talk to him about how I feel and he just blew up at me.
Everything is my fault. I've been selfish, I haven't been supportive, I hate his dc etc. etc. He said some really horrible things to me & then started on about how I think my kids are perfect (I don't) but they're far from it & he finds them very hard to live with (two of them don't even live here full time as they're at college).
He's now gone to his brothers & is refusing to talk to me.
I'm 50, am really struggling with my mental health & just cannot believe he thinks so little of me that he's just done this & that this will be my second failed marriage.
I know no one can give me any advice I just needed to get that off my chest as I don't really have anyone to talk to irl.

I'm so sorry, op, but you are massively better off without this man, you just can't see it right now. You will, just give yourself time.

You don't need this excuse for a man He is just dragging you down. Get rid and be free.

and a hand-hold for you, OP. It feels terrible now, but once you've had a few days to unwind in an H-free household, you'll feel so much better. You'll be relieved and energised, and I bet your kids will be happier too.

I've been through this myself with the now XH. I was blamed for upsetting the SD and yelled at when I tried to talk calmly about his prioritising his XW over me and our DD. I felt such a mug.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but please don't beat yourself up about a "failed marriage". These things rightly end when we come to our senses. That's all. You're free. You have your imperfectly lovely DC and now you'll have a peaceful home. Rejoice! And do keep talking to us on MN if you'd like support.

My one bit of practical advice at this early stage is to ask him to get all his personal belongings out of your home.

I’m so sorry, but I agree with the others. Once you’ve had chance to process the end of your relationship, you’ll realise how much better off you are without him and his children.

It’s totally fine to feel heartbroken. No matter how crap the reality was, the end of a marriage is about the end of a set of hopes and dreams and wishes. You will grieve for what it should have been.

Reframe some of this in your head. You are only 50. You have many years to build a happy life that fulfils you. You did everything you could to make it work but one person can’t make a marriage work alone. Especially where the other party is emotionally caught up in their ex and all the goes with that. It’s not your ‘failure’.

Thanks for the replies & @groovergirl I'm so sorry you went through this too.
I know I'm still young & I'll be fine long term I just feel so bowled over short term. My first marriage left me very emotionally scarred & this has now just brought me back to that place of self hate & feeling like I'm unlovable.

Oh, OP, sorry to read this. It sounds like your marriage faced impossible struggles. So hurtful that he has aimed this at you (and the accusation that you hat his kids - it’s as old as the hills).

I hope very soon you’ll feel some modicum peace from no longer being stuck in such a messy dynamic. This seems like some sort of release really. Although right now it doesn’t feel like it. I’m glad you have your therapist supporting you. It takes two to make a relationship work. Don’t ever forget that.

Hope you also have friends supporting you IRL too.

OP, is it possible that when your therapist suggested that you tell him your feelings about the situation that he or she did not remind you that you should then be prepared to hear his feelings about the situation? His statements while unpleasant for you to hear may indeed represent his perceptions and feelings about your actions.

It is not gaslighting or bullying to see that you do not like his children if that is indeed what he thinks.

For once you have both said to each other exactly what you think and feel. Maybe, once he settles down, you can suggest that now that everything has been openly stated this would be the time for you both to see a marriage counselor. To date, your therapist has only heard your perceptions and experience related to the situation, but if you were to go into counseling together it would involve working through both of your perceptions and experiences . You might find that both of you have room for improvements, adjustments, and compromise.

The marriage may indeed be over, but it seems as though neither of you were ever really aware of the other's true thoughts and feelings about this situation.

You will survive this situation regardless of how it works out, but it may not be as hopeless as it seems at the moment. If you are truly incompatible that is not a failure that is just the acknowledgement that there were significant insurmountable differences .

Few things OP.

Firstly, this all sounds like a stressful/ toxic mess. It’s no bad thing that he’s left the house to get away and have a think. His removal stops what sounds like an awful situation escalating. My personal advice would be to use this time apart to think about what you want out of this.

You’re clearly unhappy based on your Op. Based on his reaction, so is he. None of us on here know what the dynamic in your home is or what you’re dealing with re the EXW / his children.

Let the dust settle and try and use this time for you. You’re married so he’s going to have to talk to you at some point. If he comes back calmer, I would agree with Tattler and see if marriage counselling is an option. If he doesn’t and his mind is made up, then there’s nothing you can do.

I know right now in your mind this feels like another failure. Tbh in my view the failure would be to live in a home/ be in a relationship that is making you deeply unhappy. Especially if that person isn’t prepared to work at it with you.

You still have decades ahead of you. Is this how you want to spend them?

What is the deal financially. Is this your house? Are you financially independent of him?