Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

To ask my parents not to help with step children

27 replies

Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 11:46

Bit of a weird situation and I don't want to give too much identifying info away...

But basically my husband has older DC with his ex and we have DC together.

My husband and his ex are absolutely atrocious at communicating with each other. Really terrible. It makes arranging anything with DSC a logistical nightmare and I have repeatedly spoken to H about this issue and told him he needs to get it sorted.

Because of their lack of communication it means they are always relying on other people to step in at the last minute to help with various things, school runs, childcare, holiday cover, hobby drop offs that sort of thing.

Anyway, long and short of it is I've taken a big step back from being available to help with they mess up and have put the onus back on H to arrange things properly by speak to his ex (which they still fail at 9 times out of 10).

My parents help quite a lot with our DC. I always ensure this is clearly organised with them and everyone knows what's happening and when because it's surely just the normal thing to do.

Anyway, when I've spoken to my parents about these issues with H and communication surrounding DSC (I speak to my parents openly about a lot of stuff), they have said they'd be happy to help with things with DSC too if it helps H and his ex.

I have said no way, I'd really rather they not.

My reasoning for this is not to be unkind but because I know it will get used and abused and I do not under any circumstances want my parents dragged into the mess like I was for a while. It's chaotic and unorganized.

Obviously I can't stop my parents offering to help. But I know they'll respect it if I ask them not to.

AIBU for asking my parents to stay out of the situation with my SC even though they help with our DC?

OP posts:
FantasticFebruary · 10/03/2022 11:50

No, just explain to them that a) they'll be massively taken advantage of &
B) how it will be a big step backwards in making DH & Ex sort themselves out!

Thank them for being so willing though.

At the end if the day it's their choice, but nothing to stop you having your say!

Dillydollydingdong · 10/03/2022 11:50

YANBU. It's up to the parents to sort themselves out. Really, communication isn't difficult these days ; mobile phones, text, emails...

Original poster
Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 11:55

@Dillydollydingdong

YANBU. It's up to the parents to sort themselves out. Really, communication isn't difficult these days ; mobile phones, text, emails...
Yes you'd like to think so wouldn't you!

It's honestly the only parent of step parenting that I really resent and it's nothing to do with the children obviously.

I'm glad that my parents don't have a grandparent like relationship with my SC for this reason, because they'd likely just be seen as another childcare option if they were!

OP posts:
StormyWindow · 10/03/2022 11:55

Nope, DSC need their parents to step up and sort this, which they won't while other people are bailing them out.

Original poster
Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 11:56

Only part of step parenting I resent, not parent!

OP posts:
Blueberryflavour · 10/03/2022 12:11

I think it’s great that your parents are willing to help out and would be an extra childcare option. I would ask them not to offer but that you will ask them in the case of a real emergency, not just because of poor communication between your DH and his ex. I’m a grandma and my son and his ex are both in new relationships I have my granddaughter regularly to help both my son and his ex. I would have my granddaughter’s half brother ( mum and mum’s new partner’s child) in a real emergency and have taken him with us to the park etc on occasion but wouldn’t do regular childcare just to help out.

Bdhntbis · 10/03/2022 12:12

I’d do the same as you; it’s lovely they’ve offered to help and good to know in a real emergency but your DH and his ex need to sort it out. If they can rely on other people then they don’t have the motivation to sort it

Howshouldibehave · 10/03/2022 12:17

I agree with you-I wouldn’t want them to get used like you were. What’s that saying-something like, ‘Poor planning on your part doesn’t make an emergency on mine’?!

What does your DH say about it all-why can’t childcare be properly sorted in advance with his ex? I couldn’t be doing with the last minute drama! How old are the kids?

Original poster
Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 12:20

Yes I agree it's great in case of a real emergency. My husband and his ex seem to think an emergency is just them not communicating properly with each other though and then rushing at the last minute.

This is why I do not want my husband to get even the slightest whiff of my parents offer! Especially as they already take care of our DC quite a bit. I can picture the "can your DPs not just take SC as well" etc etc.. regularly. Once they start it'll be 'logged in the book' then of options when they are disorganised.

OP posts:
CowsAreNotGreen · 10/03/2022 12:23

Absolutely fine.

Soontobe60 · 10/03/2022 12:35

I think you’re being mean!
If they want to tell out, let them. They’re adults aren’t they?

Original poster
Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 12:42

They are indeed adults! As are my husband and his ex and yet they seem incapable of organising themselves properly.

My parents are good people, sometimes too good though imo and will offer to help because they feel they should not because they want to add to the fact it removes all necessity from my SCs actual parents to get their own shit together!

I've of course told them they can do what they like but I won't be relaying the message to H or his ex myself and they know I would really rather they didn't. Which I believe they'll respect. If they were really that keen they could or course speak to H themselves and offer but I doubt they will.

OP posts:
Jossbow · 10/03/2022 12:43

depends, For instance if your parents are doing the swimming drop for you, its mean to say thy cant all go together,but if its just the steps that are doing the swimming then no, they prob shouldnt

Original poster
Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 12:46

@Jossbow

depends, For instance if your parents are doing the swimming drop for you, its mean to say thy cant all go together,but if its just the steps that are doing the swimming then no, they prob shouldnt
My parents have never looked after my SC with our DC so there wouldn't or hadn't been any scenario where they've taken all the children to something by themselves. They've been out with me, H and all the kids but they don't have SC by themselves and never have as it's never been asked.

But yes it would be things like taking SC to school (our DC are not in school yet), taking SC to hobbies, looking after SC in school holidays last minute and things like that.

Honestly it took over my life at one point trying to "help" and I very nearly left the relationship because of the utter disrespect for my time. I do not want my parents being put upon in the same manner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 12:49

It wouldn't be in the same organised fashion that they help with our DC. They know weeks in advance when are DC are with them. This would be random and last minute as everything is with H and his ex.

PP asked why... It is a bit of a logistical nightmare naturally in that all 3 of us work shifts. Me H and his ex. But I always ensure my shifts are known to everyone well in advance and my parents are of course under no obligation to assist with anything but they love having our DC (both young retirees) and enjoy it so they do quite a bit of planned childcare for us. I'm extremely fortunate of course and really try to ensure I don't take it for granted.

My husband and his ex on the other hand don't organise anything properly in regards to work, it's really stressful and I've seen so many people dragged in to do this and that at the last minute all the time. It used to be me, I now refuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oinker3 · 10/03/2022 12:50

When our**

OP posts:
LadyCluck · 10/03/2022 20:30

YADNBU.

It’s up to both of them to start communicating for the sake of their children. They’re adults.
I don’t blame you for distancing yourself from it and wanting your parents to steer clear.
Best thing I did was disengaging. I was run ragged trying to help and all it did was stress me to the point I wanted to leave. No way would I have let my parents get sucked in to the dysfunction.

BeHappy91818 · 10/03/2022 21:52

I wouldn’t be letting my parents help out at all.

Your husband and ex need to step up and it’s their problem.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/03/2022 21:59

You’re completely right. They sound lovely, it’ll blow back on all of you who are behaving well and with good intentions when it inevitably goes wrong because these two parents, adults ffs, can’t be arsed to arrange adequate care for their children.

MeridianB · 11/03/2022 06:47

You are very wise, @Oinker3.

This will only end badly. Your DH and his ex sound like CFs!!

Can they really enjoy living like that or does it just wash off them because they dump on so many other people? Do they ever help/thank anyone who picks up their slack or suck up favours? I’m amazed anyone still helps them!

I have no doubt that your kind parents would become a hot target for their constant last minute dramas.

Also, really well done to you for stepping out of this. I’ve lost count of the number of threads I’ve seen on here where SMs feel stuck in default childcare roles. I’m sure you don’t regret it!

pilates · 11/03/2022 07:01

YANBU

WhatsErFace2020 · 11/03/2022 07:54

@Oinker3 you sound like I used to be (still am to a degree) with my DH. His forward planning is atrocious, I would remind him you need to do xyz and actually get all anxious about it for him as he just didn’t plan ahead!! Inevitably the worry of it made me just do it for him!!

One day I just pulled away, now I actually enjoy when he scrambles as I see it as a punishment for bad planning 🤣 Example; I’ve been at work and he’s been off all week and planned to take DC on an overnight trip yesterday, because it involved DC I did remind him Early in the week ‘you should wash their clothes, ensure to take calpol, do you have enough nappies wipes etc’ he actually planned to leave at 11am. He started planning and packing at 10:15. I didn’t say a word to him, just secretly enjoyed a little I told you so moment whilst I watched him frantically rushing around wishing he’d planned ahead.

The issue with him (possibly the same as your DH?) is that he refers to me for most things and it’s the mental load of planning he just doesn’t want to do so hopes it will cause me to worry and do it for him.

Repeat the mantra; Not my monkey-Not my circus

ImAvingOops · 11/03/2022 08:05

You and your family are already taking on all the responsibilities for your own child - your h never ensures that there are arrangements in place for the child he has with you, you seem to be managing all that and it would be madness to allow your parents to take on even more responsibility for his other children!

How do you manage to book holidays and days out with someone who is do disorganised?

Harlequin1088 · 11/03/2022 08:18

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Your stepchildren have two parents, neither of which are you, your Mum or your Dad. Therefore, it’s not your/your parents obligation to offer free childcare for the stepchildren. I have two stepsons and I can’t think of a single situation where my family would be expected to be roped into caring for them. It’d be completely inappropriate.

Eviebeans · 11/03/2022 09:18

There may come a point, if your parents did help out with the step children, where they become overwhelmed and feel unable to help at all which would have implications for your own childcare arrangements
Your parents should bear in mind that once they start to help it becomes almost impossible difficult to stop