What to do in this situation? MIL question

[Rosebella215]

For context, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years & we live together. He has a daughter who is turning 8 this year.
We have DSD over her birthday weekend this year, and the day before my mum (so future step g’ma to my DSD) wanted to take her to London to see a show. Tickets are quite pricey, about £100 each plus travel etc. (My partner & I are paying for ourselves). We want to be able to do nice things with her so she gets to experience all types of things, and it’s something we do regularly as a couple and want DSD to enjoy this in the future too.
The issue is that my partners mum, so DSD grandma has kicked up a bit of a stink about this. She was of course invited but she doesn’t have much money and can’t afford it. We have said we will see her & DSD’s grandad on her actual birthday so they’ll still get to spend time with her & perhaps go bowling or similar.
However I am sensing some serious resentment against my mum and not sure how to handle this? Is it unfair? I know my future MIL has hinted at us paying for her ticket l but tbh that’s at least another £150 for us if we do…
Would appreciate other peoples thoughts x

If she doesn't have the money, that's not your fault. Just ignore it she'll get over it.

Don't pay for her ticket.

Simply ignore this.

No reasonable person would have a problem with an 8yo being taken to the theatre as a treat the day before her birthday.

It sounds like jealousy.

I’m sure DSD’s mum can do some nice things with DSD and her mum another time. It’s not your job to include exMIL on treats and trips. Enjoy!

I don't see why you invited her in the first place. Unless you like enmeshing both sides of the family generally.

Too many people on an outing can make it more chaotic IMO, keeping it to four sounds nice.

Ignore her. Go and have a lovely time treating the little girl.

Crack on as planned.

Yep...crack on

She is spitting her dummy out dsd has a new dgm who wants to treat her! Ignore op. There is only 1 dc in this scenario remember.
Dsd gets 2 birthdays. That's what happens with split dps isn't it?
Don't let her spoil a nice trip!

If I possibly could I would pay for her to come too if she is otherwise a good parent/ grandparent.

And what happens next year?mil will expect a paid for invite to your plans.
Stuff that!!

Yes it’s unfair, she’ll just have to come to terms with it. Presumably the girls own mother and family won’t see her at all for her birthday this year and next year it will be her dad not seeing her. Just got to put the kids first however hard that might be.

She's definitely jealous and you shouldn't let it influence any decisions.

I do have sympathy with MIL, it must be awful to see someone else taking on the role of grandma when they have more money and can offer better treats. Ultimately it's tough luck though. The child can't miss out on love, attention and opportunities because an adult feels fragile about it.

I would definitely make time to do something special with MIL and help her reinforce that relationship though.

Don't make other people's problems your problem. Whatever her issue is, she can deal with it.

@sadpapercourtesan

She's definitely jealous and you shouldn't let it influence any decisions.

I do have sympathy with MIL, it must be awful to see someone else taking on the role of grandma when they have more money and can offer better treats. Ultimately it's tough luck though. The child can't miss out on love, attention and opportunities because an adult feels fragile about it.

I would definitely make time to do something special with MIL and help her reinforce that relationship though.

@sadpapercourtesan she's not being pushed out though. She has been invited and unfortunately can't go. She has been offered the chance to see her granddaughter on her actual birthday too, so it's not like she hasn't been included in any plans.

Personally I couldn't do this to my own Mum.

I see the point that your Mum is doing it the day before and her actual Grandma will get to see her on her birthday. But yeah I wouldn't feel good about this one. But I also don't think this is one for you to manage. I think your DP should be saying, come on Mum - how about we go halves on the ticket and my half can be your Mother's day/early birthday present.

That's how I'd handle this one.

I think it's lovely that your mum is embracing her role as step-grandparent so positively.

This is no different to in-laws having more money to spend on treats on different sides of the family. My mother has never once complained that MIL has taken our girls on holiday or that she's paid to join us for a few days on family holidays. She just makes the most of her time with them...and believe me the girls absolutely appreciate it and cherish their relationship with her.

Your future MIL needs to take a step back and realise this is a positive thing for her granddaughter - she's being fully accepted as part of her step mother's family. That really doesn't happen as often as it should.

I don’t understand why she would really expect to come; it’s not on her actual birthday and it’s a present from your mum. If my mum arranged something for my DSD it wouldn’t occur to me to invite my mil in the same way that i don’t if my mums does something for my DC.

@Dottdoo I don’t really understand; why would the grandmother need to come for something arranged by another adult?

If she can’t afford it, that’s not your guys and especially not DSD problem. It would be nice for her to go along but it’s up to her to fund it. That’s just life isn’t it. It’s nice that your DSD will get to experience a nice thing like this and she should be thankful someone is willing to pay for DSD to go.
She’s still getting to see her and do things. dSDs birthday is about DSD and making it nice for her, so that’s who the focus should be on, don’t let it be turned onto anyone else x

I think in future the best thing would be to keep these trips separate. There's no need for two sets of grandparents to be involved in a day trip. It's perfectly normal and fine to have separate relationships and outings with different sets of grandparents.

@Bdhntbis

I don’t understand why she would really expect to come; it’s not on her actual birthday and it’s a present from your mum. If my mum arranged something for my DSD it wouldn’t occur to me to invite my mil in the same way that i don’t if my mums does something for my DC.

@Dottdoo I don’t really understand; why would the grandmother need to come for something arranged by another adult?

Have you ever experienced that feeling of being left out? That's what this Grandma will be feeling - that her Granddaughter and her son are off having a lovely time with GD's step-Grandparents. And she can't afford to go. So, yeah, of course she's jealous - but jealousy can take the form of a sadness rather than a green eyed monster. We can be empathetic to people who are experiencing jealousy and sadness. I wouldn't want my Mum to be sad, not if I could fix it for her.

Mothers day is in 2 weeks, so my thought was - maybe her son could go halves on the ticket with her and maybe then she could go. Then they could all have a lovely time together and no one is left out or feeling sad about it. I don't think that's a particularly controversial suggestion?

P.s just to say I haven't caught up on this thread since I posted much earlier. So perhaps something else has changed.

I misread the OP as it being ex’s mum (maternal grandmother). I see now it’s DP’s mum.

It’s done now, but I’m sure DSD will enjoy seeing her on her actual birthday.