Stuck

[nearly50andstillhavenoidea]

Myself and DP bought a house together in June last year. We've been together 10 years in September. Before this we'd been week on week off usually at my house when he had his DC 50/50. I have two DS 17 and 12 here FT, their DF sadly passed away nearly 3 years ago. He has DS 18 and 16 who come and go as they please, usually a couple of nights a month but only when they want something. The car needs petrol, they need a new phone, they need a new car/jacket/trainers. He pays the older one petrol money to come over (their DM is around 40 mins drive away). They treat with no respect but he won't have any of it. It's driving a huge wedge between us, his Disney parenting and the face he never pulls them up when they're rude and disrespectful. He tells me it's my issue because I get so cross and frustrated by it and that I should pull them up on it if I hear them saying things. I dread them coming over. I hate being in this house but what can I do? I can't afford to move out and rent and I. can't afford to stay here on my own. We're only 1 year into a 5 year fixed deal. I am so unhappy. He keeps blaming me being peri menopausal. We don't have sex as the way he acts with his kids makes me lose respect for him. One of them called him fat last night and he said it was just him being 'cheeky', he's 18 not 10 FGS. I just want it to be me and my boys again but I'm stuck here..

I feel your pain. Just today we had another run in re the eldest (13 years). Like you we own a house together and I've lost track of how many times I wish I had kept my own place.

Whilst my DP would pull one of his children up if they made the 'fat' comment, other things are said and we know when a step-child no matter what age is having a joke or being nasty. Problem is, our Disney Dad's just do not see it, or choose not to for an easy life with their children. Then when we raise it, they accuse us of being peri or being argumentative, is thrown in our face.

If they only visit every now and again, can you not try and work through this?

It is very difficult navigating our way through this.

Thanks liddy however I can't believe how much I have gone off his physically since this has been going on. I think it's 50% the DC and 50% my feelings towards him and once you've got the ick I'm not sure there's any going back 😔

*him physically

How dare he blame you being peri menopausal. You just don't want to tolerate bullshit in your own home.

I know 😞

He won't have it though, will not have it, it's all my issue and nothing to do with anything he's doing wrong.

I think if you’ve got the ick then I think you need to make plans. If the kids are only there twice a month can there not be any solution? Was this not an issue over the preceding 8 years?

I have refused to buy a house with DP for these very reasons.

Step parenting seems to expose a mega gulf between gender roles ie dads just not having any parenting traction whatsoever, just ‘going with the flow’ with the kids. I dunno what that’s about. It’s weird.

Hope you can be honesty with your DP abouy where you are at. What do your dc think?

Thanks latent I don't think my DC would be that bothered if we were to separate to be honest. I am conscious of uprooting them but I don't think it would take long to get back into our old routine. I haven't mentioned it to them yet as my eldest has his A levels in the summer and my youngest is a sensitive soul especially since the loss of his Dad, we're very close.

Sorry hit post too soon! it wasn't really an issue before as we didn't spend that much time all together. DP is feeling guilty as he's moved 40 minutes away rather than 20 and thinks buying them things and not reacting to their crap will make them like him more almost? he went car shopping with his 16 year old a couple of weeks ago even though he can't legally drive until August!! apparently that's what fathers and sons do? I suggested maybe taking him out to lunch would have been just as good??
We live in a bigger house now, my boys would miss that I think, but they also know the most important thing is to be happy, it's not about possessions...

It’s not just his sons’ bad behaviour towards him and you. It’s the fact that your DP shuts down the conversation and then blames you for being peri-menopausal. Unbelievably rude and dismissive. Why does he think it’s ok to talk to you this way?

What would he say if you told him you wanted to move out? Would he be surprised? Could he buy you out?

Sorry to hear you're in this position OP. It's so shit he's not taking any responsibility! Have a look at whether your mortgage is portable. If so either you or him can buy the other out whether it's fixed term or not, and essentially get a 'new' mortgage just in the one name, or it could be ported to a new property if you had to sell. I'd contact your mortgage company for advice to find out options if that's one of your main concerns x I believe most are portable x

When I've said before that it's not working and that I want out, I suggest that he buys me out he comes out with a ridiculous amount. I own 60% of the house due to putting more into it but he is paying the mortgage for the next 5 years to catch up with my share. The mortgage and deeds are in joint names and I contribute a set amount each month towards bills and food etc but in 5 years I will be paying 50% of the mortgage as we will own the house 50/50. He earns about 3 times more than me. We have a Deed of Trust that details how much we would get if we were to sell. So for example if we split now I'd get £250k but when arguing he'll suggest stupid figure something like £80k to buy me out. If we sold now we'd incur big redemption fees, about £18k but I'm so unhappy I'd be tempted to take that on myself. He constantly brings up how much it would cost to sell and buy again, but I don't really care, I just want to be happy again. I'm only 50, I've got a few years left in me yet 😊

Even if there’s a redemption charge for the mortgage… maybe it’s worth paying?

What price for a peaceful home life…

Could you port the mortgage over to a new house in your name only?

It’s interesting that he jumps straight to money issues when you raise the prospect of leaving/splitting, rather than explore the problem or try to engage emotionally.

It sounds like his sons (and their Disney dad) could still be behaving like this in 5, or 10 years or beyond. So it’s seriously worth exploring what it might cost to get out. And presumably a lawyer would make short work of his derisory financial offer.

he went car shopping with his 16 year old a couple of weeks ago even though he can't legally drive until August!! apparently that's what fathers and sons do?

@nearly50andstillhavenoidea I’m going to gently play devils advocate here and just ask a few questions.

Firstly, a few of the things you’ve mentioned and maybe as you’ve said you feel this way because there’s been a culmination of behaviours. But what exactly is wrong with him taking his son car shopping? I personally don’t see what the issue is and if a partner of mine took umbrage at that and told me I could have taken my child to lunch, a part of me would think ‘what’s it got to do with you?’. I honestly wouldn’t take kindly to that level of interference with my child. My time with them, my choice what I do. So I don’t actually see why you’ve got an issue with this.

Equally, if he’s moved further away from them, what’s the issue with him paying their petrol money? Tbh I’m a very boundaried parent and I could see myself doing both of those things when my DC are that age.

You’ve said that your DC’s DF sadly passed away a few years ago (sorry for your loss ), is there any chance that a part of how you’re feeling is because your DC don’t have a father and these DC do and in your eyes are disrespecting him? I don’t know, maybe I’m missing something here but they’re only there a few times a month and the things you’ve listed don’t sound like things I would have an issue with - some of them sound perfectly reasonable (apart from the fat comment of course).

Is there also anything in here re financial discrepancy that he earns 3 times your amount and therefore has more disposable income to spoil his children? How did the agreement of paying 50/50 in 5 years come into place when there is such a vast difference in salaries? Again is that something you are happy with or is there an underlying frustration/ resentment that he has a higher level of disposable income and you don’t?

Sorry to ask so many questions. I guess I just find parts of your post perfectly reasonable on his part. Although I appreciate I am not living this life and living with him so there could be so many underlying frustrations that are bubbling up.

If I was truely unhappy in your situation I would do the following. I’d do my maths on costs of selling/ paying an early redemption fee and buying a new place. If the mortgage is joint I don’t think you can port it across in your sole name, banks will treat a mortgage application in your sole name as a new mortgage and so the redemption fee is likely payable. What can you afford to buy if you sell this, by the time you take stamp duties/ legal fees etc into account? I would do my homework thoroughly from a financial perspective. He doesn’t get to dictate how much equity out of the house you are given if you’re done with this relationship. You have a very agreement in place setting this all out that is legally enforceable.

I would also give some thought as to whether if you take this step, your relationship will survive. I mean you say you have the ick, it’s hard to come back from that I think. But are you ok with this not just being you have your own house again, but you’re single again? I’m not entirely sure many relationships would survive this.

Listen I’m all for having a blissful home with your DC and not living in an environment that causes you to be unhappy. Personally I would do my maths and think about my options and the fact that by taking this move I would be ending the relationship.

Thank you for your response, you make some valid comments and I'll try and answer them all.

The reason I thought car shopping with his 16 year old was wrong was because 1. his 16 year old can't physically drive until August and 2. it's another case of him splashing the cash to ensure they come and see him? they only want to come over if they know there's a chance of something for them on the table, not just to see their DF?

Petrol, yes I see your point, but they will only come over if he's paid it into their account and will call before leaving their home to see if it's been paid in.

When they came over the other evening the DC18 was online looking for a phone, found one and said, 'You're paying for this and I'll pay you back over the next few months' and he just nods and hands over his card? doesn't pull him up on the way he speaks to him?

Re my DCs DF, no I don't feel that way as we separated 12 years ago so have almost always been a single mother, I have the money to buy my eldest a car for example but want him to know he has to pay towards it as all and it won't be handed to him on a plate.

The 50/50 was the childcare arrangement he had with his DC when they were younger, not our financial contributions, we split things according to salary. You are right though, maybe part of me is slightly jealous he has more disposable income.

I could afford to buy again on my own but the difficulty would be agreeing to get him to sell? he would make it very hard for me. I do worry about uprooting my DC again.

Thank you for your post. It has given me food for thought...

@nearly50andstillhavenoidea I think only you know if you can live with this.

Personally if this is how he wants to interact with his children, I would say that’s his call. Whether it’s right or wrong is going to be a personal point of view. You obviously are under no onus to live with it. He is under no onus to change. His money, his kids, if he wants to buy them cars, phones, and allow them to speak to him the way they do, 🤷🏽‍♀️.

I mean I can totally see your view. But I can also see his. He’s paying the mortgage, (I presume none of this child related expenditure means he isn’t fulfilling his side of the bargain financially when it comes to your joint home?). Is he pulling his weight fully financially for your joint commitments?

My comment on 50/50 was related to the comment in your later posts that in 5 years the mortgage will be 50/50 payment as by that stage the equity in the house is 50/50, so your mortgage payments will equalise. I’m asking how that financial agreement was reached? Because if he earns 3 times your amount and yet the mortgage payment is equal, do you feel that is fair?

I’ll also add here that continuing to play devils advocate, he is currently paying the mortgage in full on a home that houses your children FT. Although I completely understand that a greater majority of the equity within the home at this point is yours and as such you have more than contributed to this larger home you all have. But some of the financial behaviours you’re seeing around his children could be a very real and conscious action regarding that. His money is currently housing two children that aren’t his. So to compensate for that, he is financially trying to equalise things with his children in other ways. I mean I get it and I can sort of see his side in this too. I’m not saying who is right or wrong but these dynamics can be tough to navigate.

I don’t know. I think a lot of this could be about money. When there is disparity in disposable income and / or adult children see other children being housed/ paid for by their non resident parent it can become problematic.

I should add, there could be a real element of projection in my posts, for which I apologise. I outearned my exp. He also was paying child support, spousal and kept incurring legal costs which exponentially divided my means vs his means. It ended up causing rifts as over time it essentially afforded my children / me things/ holidays. And he would make random comments which over time I just started to really not be ok with. My financial priority was my children, not him, not his children. And I wasn’t prepared to rein that in in order to ‘equalise’ things between everyone. I also very much started to resent the sense that I very occasionally needed to justify my expenditure related to myself/ my children, I didn’t see it as his business and I personally felt it veered into the territory of controlling behaviour.

Apologies if I’m off with my read on this. But life is too short for the both of you to feel this frustrated. He should be able to spend as he wishes re his kids (so long as he is meeting the financial commitments with you). You should be able to have a home free of this dynamic.

Re the house sale? I don’t know the ins and outs of when it’s cohabiting. Maybe someone can come along and help and advise whether this would take legal action or not? If he’s resistant I’m pretty sure it might.

Is it less (wrt his dc) about the £, more about the attitude of the dc? Is it more that they seem disrespectful? Because teenagers are disrespectful to the parents, and often the parents themselves don’t feel disrespected because they are cushioned by their unconditional love..

But maybe because you see so little of them that you don’t see any other side to them? That it seems a bit shallow? How well do you know the dc?

Sorry, more questions.

I see them as much as DP sees them which isn't very often currently and only when they want something. My DC are teenagers (well one nearly) and I hate the thought of them speaking to me and treating me the way my DP's DC do him.

I've known them for nearly 10 years so I'd say I know them pretty well, it's just since we've been living together I've noticed their attitudes more.

It sounds like you have different values in regards to bringing up kids and you are not accepting his position. I certainly wouldn't have gone shopping for a car with my kids at 16, but many of their friends' parents did. It's no that unusual.

As for calling him fat, it's up to him if it offends him. I wouldn't be so if my kids told me that I was if indeed I needed to lose weight and it wasn't said spitefully.

It sounds like you want him to treat his kids as you see appropriate and not accepting his ways and that's where the friction comes from.

Saying that, it sounds like it's a major issue for you and he doesn't want to change because he doesn't see that he is doing anything wrong.

It's therefore either a case of closing your eyes to it, let him/them be until they go to uni or start work or indeed, accept that it's not working and move on.

OP, as long as your partner is meeting his financial obligations in your household, it should not matter what he gives or spends on his children. As relates to the car, if or when you make or contribute to a car purchase for 1 of your children, I assume that you will do it in the manner that you think best, should he not be afforded the opportunity to do the same.

Perhaps, he and his children have the kind of rapport that they feel comfortable saying that he is getting fat ( this may be an objectively factual statement. They may not have intended it to be insulting and he may not have viewed it as offensive.

Each of you should be free to have the type of relationship with your children that you choose to have. If you can not live comfortably together while respecting the other's right topafdnt as they so choose, living together may not be the right arrangement for you

Equity in a property does not always equal or equate to the down payment except at the moment of purchase. It is possible over s period of years for your equity position in a property to drop or improve. It is actually possible that his offer may not be financially unreasonable.

In any case, the real question is how much value do you place on your personal happiness and peace of mind? Why stay in a situation that promotes and leads to your discomfort?

It sounds as though you have resources enough to allow for a restructuring of your living arrangements. Why not make your happiness a priority and move out of this situation?