What to do for the best

[xXwhenwillitendXx]

DSD8 is a sensitive girl and I'm struggling with what to do for the best.
She's gets very anxious about things and likes structure and routine.
She didn't cope well with me being pregnant as I was very unwell and so we couldn't do our normal weekend days out. We promised her when baby was born we would do more, then covid hit. She loves her sister so much but often says it was better when she wasn't here as she got all the attention (only child at mums and was only child at our house).
Now mum has moved county so she has moved home and school and isn't coping with it very well. She has been tearful all weekend saying she misses mum and she worries about mum when she's not with her. I suggested she speaks to mum each night before bed so she can see that mum is okay.
I do feel for her as she has had a lot of change, a new sibling, new house, new school.
She spends a lot of time with dad without me and sibling present, but it's been hard the last couple of months as I've had to work weekends temporarily so dad has been looking after DSD and our toddler. Toddler is a handful and demands attention so DSD does get sidelined sometimes.
Does anyone have any ideas of what we can do to help her out, or generally make her feel better and more comfortable?

Toddler is a handful and demands attention so DSD does get sidelined sometimes. I think that is just family life with a younger sibling though so I'd be careful not to big it up like its a massive thing that she's not the only child anymore.

We try not to but mum will always say to dad that DSD has told her she has been left out and treated differently.
It's so difficult because we don't want her to feel left out or so worried and anxious.

No advice but you sound like an incredible stepmum.

Thankyou. Not going to lie, I'm not always great but I used to be an anxious child so know exactly how hard it can be.

How often does she come to you?

Like you say - lot of change in a short space of time for a young child. If she is only there EOW and being sidelined - that is not normal family life - that is v hard for a young person to understand. Yes she does need to share Dad with her sibling but she also needs some one on one time.

No answers OP - but you sound great that you recognise she is stressed and worried.

Do you have family nearby that could help out? Could dad take them to grandparents?

She stays 5 nights a fortnight. Dh does take them to grandparents sometimes but they live an hour away. Uts nit too bad when I'm not working weekends as we have lots of family time, then set together for a movie when toddler naps, or I take DD out and DSD has the day with dad.
I'm working atm every weekend as we are trying to buy the house we rent (DSD said last week she really doesn't want us to get a new house as she doesn't want to move again ) so will only be for the next three weeks.
She's is anxious in general for example we where driving up a hill not so long ago and she asked what would happen if the rocks fell, and also asked me what we would do if a volcano erupted. I can tell if there is something on her mind just by how she is (goes very quiet) and try to get her to open up by going for drives and having a chat.
Dad does what he can however she tends to speak more openly to me or mum about her worries.
Just wondered if there is anything more I can do to help her.

No advice also. But just wanted to comment to say you sound like a genuinely lovely and caring step mum and I love how you call her mum instead of BM. That's testament to the type of step mum you are. She's very lucky to have you. Hope things get better for her soon x

I think you just need time patience and reassurance. Let her cling, reassure her, include her as much as you can, if you have a toddler - maybe watch something special as an older family once the toddler is in bed.
But I think you mainly have to ride it out with lots of love and patience.

Honestly I think you are already doing all you can, and echo that this is normal family life. Just carry on doing what you are doing, and her dad can carry on reassuring her and dealing with her anxieties as they arise.

Too much reassurance around things she's anxious about can actually reinforce that there's something important and worrying here. My DC psychologist bought this up. Things like volcanoes, if it's a factual worry, start with facts, have a little chat, if it comes up again same day it's a quick reassurance, "we already spoke about that, we're safe, there are no volcanoes here", if it comes up again it's just something like "we've already talked about that, nothing's changed," then start talking about something else. The stated worry isn't necessarily what's actually making her anxious, it can just be something to pin those worried and overwhelmed feelings on.

It would be good to make sure all the adults are on the same page. Something for your DH to suggest? This would be especially good to get on the same page about her worries about her Mum. When it's adult things there's that boundary for me, "mum and dad have got this, it's not your job to worry and look after us, it's our job to look after you," type response. I know I took on too much of the worry in a similar situation as a child and I'm very firm that they do not have to think about grown up problems at all.

Seeing a psychologist helped our anxious DC a lot. There are techniques in CBT to work on breaking down and slowly challenging the anxious thought and working through it.