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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My partner is a bad dad

21 replies

slvm11 · 05/03/2022 20:50

Hi

Just need some advice really

I've been with my partner nearly 3 years now he has a 6 year old son from another relationship and we have 1 year old daughter together.

Since our daughter was born I've noticed he's been a barely there dad with his son (he is a great help with our daughter makes lots of effort with her)

He just puts no effort into him when he is with us every second weekend just puts him infront of the tv and kind of leaves him to entertain himself the whole weekend. Now his sons mum has asked him to help with having him whilst she works but he always makes up excuses and when she asked him if he could go to his parents evening with them so he can meet his teacher and find out how he's getting on he just said no to her and it's just made me feel so sad for his boy there is no effort from him whatsoever it's a huge put off for me.

I usually keep out of it but tonight I mentioned the parents evening I told him I really think he should go he point blank told me to 'not tell him what to do'

He has a bit of an attitude so I don't now how to approach him with a serious conversation about his effort with his son.

Should I be saying anything and if I should how should I bring it up?

OP posts:
Tattler2 · 05/03/2022 21:11

OP, I would ask him how can I be certain that he won't become as indifferent to your daughter as he is to his son? A man who !ost interest in one child is perfectly capable of doing in to other children. Perhaps his interest last only as long as he is with the mother.

You may love your husband, but it must be very difficult to respect him.

Perhaps, he thinks that the child is not his. Perhaps, he cannot separate his feelings about the ex from his feelings towards the child.

Whatever the problem may be, he is demonstrating his immaturity by taking his unresolved feelings out on the child.

Not only does the son deserve better, but your daughter deserves a more mature father.

Original poster
SLVM11 · 05/03/2022 21:36

@Tattler2

OP, I would ask him how can I be certain that he won't become as indifferent to your daughter as he is to his son? A man who !ost interest in one child is perfectly capable of doing in to other children. Perhaps his interest last only as long as he is with the mother.

You may love your husband, but it must be very difficult to respect him.

Perhaps, he thinks that the child is not his. Perhaps, he cannot separate his feelings about the ex from his feelings towards the child.

Whatever the problem may be, he is demonstrating his immaturity by taking his unresolved feelings out on the child.

Not only does the son deserve better, but your daughter deserves a more mature father.

Thank you for your advice that's a good way to put it..

It is worrying I don't want him to build this huge bond with our daughter to just drop effort like he has his son.. as adults that would confusing to us so even more upsetting for a child.

I honestly you could be right with the separating his feelings from his child. He's always had an attitude with his sons mum which I've picked up on more recently and I think it's vile to be that way.

I just wish he wasn't so defensive and argumentative when i try talk to him about it

Wish me luck 🙃

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 06/03/2022 07:21

Be realistic about what you can do to change him.

givemestrength22 · 06/03/2022 18:12

@slvm11 how old is your step son? He might have a greater bond with your daughter for a variety of reasons, I wouldn't question it and tell him how to parent. I'd nurture the relationship he has with his daughter and let him figure out how to father his son. You are committed now anyway, what difference does it make now?

Tattler2 · 06/03/2022 18:27

OP, it does not matter how great his relationship is with your daughter. At the end of the day ,he is a grown man and father who is capable of being indifferent to his 6 year old son.

No level of commitment on your part, can change his indifference to his son; nor can it ensure that your daughter will not in time experience that same level of indifferent.

I cannot imagine that I would have had much change respect for my father had I ever seen him treat my sibling/s with indifference.

At best he is a man incapable of treating all of his children with loving care; at worst he is a man who demonstrates a level of immaturity that is potentially harmful to the development of a healthy relationship with his children.

Believe what you see not that which you hope that it would be. There is absolutely nothing that a 6 year old could have done to justify a parent's indifference towards them.

Maybe he will never feel that way about your daughter but he will always be a man capable of harboring that kind of feeling about his own child.

givemestrength22 · 06/03/2022 18:42

@Tattler2 what good is that information to the OP, no matter what he is the father of her daughter and just now he's treating that daughter like a doting father does, it might change but it might not.
Maybe his son reminds him of his ex whom he left or who left him, either way I bet he doesn't think highly of her. Maybe he is just one of those men that loves daughters.
You can't control the feeling he had for his son nor can you control contact or when he sees him.
You can control your relationship with your husband and daughter so don't rock the boat, it'll only make him feel guilty and effect the relationship he has with your daughter and she is your priority

CowsAreNotGreen · 06/03/2022 18:52

Is he sure he is his son?

Tattler2 · 06/03/2022 18:59

@givemestrength22
If the OP's partner conditions his feelings for his children upon his feelings for the mother, he is a sorry excuse of an adult. That kind of situation means that only way that the OP can ensure that her daughter is well treated is to hope that the partner's feelings about the OP never changes.

Is that the way that any well adjusted ,healthy adult conditions their feelings for and about their children?

That is a horrible lesson to impose on a little girl or a young woman. In essence it says that you are not loved because of who you are. Your ability to be loved is based upon your father's feelings about a 3rd party.

It is not a situation in which I would like to see anyone about whom I cared. Nor is it a lesson that I would like to see anyone about whom I cared have to learn.

Women and children should not have to think that any behavior is worth tolerating solely to have or keep a man around. When a man or woman shows you who they are and what they are capable of doing, there is every reason to believe them.

The OP's daughter should be her priority. The son and daughter should be the partner's priority, and he is demonstrating exactly how he treats the children who should be his priority. He is making an obvious and profound statement about his maturity and character.

bluedodecagon · 06/03/2022 19:03

Don’t rock the boat? On other words, don’t make him angry because if the relationship ends, he won’t see his daughter either! This apparently is fine with @givemestrength22, who has the lowest standards for fatherdom I have ever seen.

Oh wait, maybe he just prefers girls! Well, bully for him I guess. OP, if you have another child, be sure to make sure it’s a girl. Wait, gender selection is illegal. Well, You’ve got a 50/50 shot that he’ll acknowledge that child’s existence.

My real advice is that you have one chance to put your foot down now. Insist he grow up and take care of his son and mean it. Maybe he’ll change and become a good man. If he doesn’t, do not have more children with him. Because the day your relationship ends will be the last time he sees them.

bluedodecagon · 06/03/2022 19:06

@Tattler2 I’ve always wondered what kind of women ignore when a man doesn’t take care of his children and her post is depressing.

The OP is posting because she knows that deep down not only will her daughter receive the same treatment but she will receive the same treatment if she ever leaves him.

Beachbreak2411 · 06/03/2022 19:09

My ex was a terrible dad. We didn’t have kids together but he has 2 and I have 1 from previous relationships. He barely sees the oldest child (her choice) and the youngest adores their dad.. but their weekends together are mostly just spent inside on the computer. They share a bedroom and the kid sleeps on the floor while dad has the bed. He doesn’t know what school the kids go to and never ever cooks for the kids. It’s all takeaways or just a bag of crisps instead of a meal (or pot noodle for breakfast). I just couldn’t stay with a “man” like that.

Littlepaws18 · 06/03/2022 19:20

This is probably bad advice, especially if you want to keep the peace but I just would highlight it and highlight the issues until he's so fed up he will do something about it. There is no way I could do nothing.

Similar situation with my husband. When I first met him his parental decisions weren't great and impacted his relationship with his children. As we became more established I showed him, told him how to parent better. It wasn't easy we had huge rows, but over time it changed. He has a much better relationship with his children now, he's a hands on dad even watches bluey for inspiration!

I just couldn't stand by and watch him. But as I said it wasn't easy and did result in a lot of challenges. But now it's so much better for everyone.

Finallylostit · 06/03/2022 22:30

OP - you can try.

My EX definitely treats our 2DC differently to his DC with the OW. i used to lie so much to cover his indifference and whilst he has now left OW - he still spends more time with his 3rd child, gives 3 times the maintenance, takes 3DC to sports activities, goes to school stuff.

It hurts me to watch it as I know my 2 get less time, monies and energy than their sibling.

When he was still with OW, I asked hm why he did not give a shit about his DCs and gave them so little time - response - DC3 was wanted we planned him - you tricked me into the other 2. Tricked - we had been married 10 yrs, miscarriages etc before DC1 arrived.

Bet there is some resentment that the poor child exists but whether oyu want to go there is another matter.

Relations have improved but DC3 still gets more of everything - it is hard

ilovemyboys3 · 07/03/2022 07:08

@Finallylostit

OP - you can try.

My EX definitely treats our 2DC differently to his DC with the OW. i used to lie so much to cover his indifference and whilst he has now left OW - he still spends more time with his 3rd child, gives 3 times the maintenance, takes 3DC to sports activities, goes to school stuff.

It hurts me to watch it as I know my 2 get less time, monies and energy than their sibling.

When he was still with OW, I asked hm why he did not give a shit about his DCs and gave them so little time - response - DC3 was wanted we planned him - you tricked me into the other 2. Tricked - we had been married 10 yrs, miscarriages etc before DC1 arrived.

Bet there is some resentment that the poor child exists but whether oyu want to go there is another matter.

Relations have improved but DC3 still gets more of everything - it is hard

I feel so sad for your two children. I imagine this happens more than we think. Your children will grow up knowing exactly what you've done for them and what their father hasn't. He is damaging his relationship with them but it's all down to him. X
WhatNoRaisins · 07/03/2022 07:28

For your own and your child's sake I'd be cultivating other relationships with friends and family in case you do split up from him. That's much more likely to produce a good result than trying to make him a better parent.

peachy3 · 07/03/2022 07:54

I’m sorry but what a pig of a man. No matter how he is with your daughter, he has two children not one, the little boy is going to grow to resent his dad and his half sister as he sees the difference in treatment. I can’t see how a man can be so cold and distant with his own son, it’s sad and pathetic. To just point blank say no to going to his parents evening just goes to show that he does not want to be a parent to that poor little boy and honestly I’d be worried for your daughter in the future.

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/03/2022 18:55

He's a deadbeat and a pathetic excuse for a human being. I couldn't be attracted to someone like that. Get your ducks in a row.

Finallylostit · 07/03/2022 20:15

ilovemyboy - he has damaged it.
The eldest now a teen is very clear - he loves his Dad but that easy relationship he and I have, nudges, smiles - he knows that I know what he likes, loves and worries bout - is not there.

It has improved and they do have good times but it is always fitted a round DC3.

They do grow up to understand - it hurts them and me for them

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2022 08:23

The thing I couldn't live with is the defensiveness. If he had feelings and struggles he was able to articulate to you it might be different, but someone that defensively shuts down conversations that need to be had is never going to make a good partner.

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/03/2022 10:46

In this case, if you have a reasonable relationship with the child's mum, you may have to lead by example. Some men really are clueless about what children need, and believe it's entirely womens' work. Or maybe simply overwhelmed with holding onto the job, bringing in the money.

It's possible you've 'let him in' more than the ex did in the early days with your daughter, and so he has more confidence with both her and you.

Bananarama21 · 09/03/2022 10:41

Can I say what a lovely person you are to see that your dp isn't being an active dad and wanting to address it. Do you speak with the dm?

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