DSD and Wedding

[AnImmenseDislikeOfPeople]

Hi Ladies,

I'm hoping for some advice on how to move forward with DSD (10).

I've been with my DP for over 4 years. I met DSD after about 1 year of us dating.

DSD and I have had a bit of a difficult relationship. On the one hand, I think she loves me and enjoys my company (she often makes comments about wanting to be like me). However, she will then entirely change her attitude and make me feel totally worthless. I think her DM has some input towards DSD's insecurities, but we do not have a good relationship with her so issues are not addressed.

DP and I are getting married within the next couple of months. DSD is completely shutting us out and refusing to come round. I often make myself scarce when she is here to enable her one-to-one time with her dad, so it seems she doesn't want to see him (not just me).

She's due to be part of the bridal party and has had almost entirely full say in her outfit (very much not a bridesmaids dress). She's expressed distress at not being able to sit still long enough, that she's unhappy with her outfit and that she's just generally not looking forward to the day.

I don't know what to do. I feel like she needs reassurance that nothing is going to change (I have lived with DP for almost 2 years) and that there is no pressure on her on the day. Yes, she needs to sit still for the ceremony but then she can run around and be wild, if that's what she wants. But how am I supposed to give her reassurance if she won't see us? She's due to come to my Hen Do (especially designed to be child-friendly for her) but I don't think she'll come now.

Help! What can we do? Or do we just do nothing and hope she comes on the day, but without pressuring her?

I would let her know she doesn't have to be in the bridal party for a start. My DSD found that idea a bit much. Remember you getting married basically kills any tiny glimmer she may have had of her parents getting back together. So she might not be overjoyed. If she doesn't want to come don't force it.

Very difficult as maybe she harboured hope that her mum and dad may get back together, every kids wish I imagine.
I would make contact with her, text, email via her mum etc and make it clear that there's no pressure on her at the wedding, she can be as little or a lot involved as she wishes.
I imagine your partner would be gutted if she didn't come at all. I would imagine a 10 year not wanting or needing to "run around" as I imagine she can sit still in lessons at school!
She's probably just being stubborn and now is struggling to backtrack. Maybe get her dad to go round her house and have a chat. X

I believe the more you panda to children and try make them happy the more they play on it. Maybe try and ignore it all and see where you get.

I agree with be kind- she doesn't have to be in the wedding party, she can come and sit with (insert name of favourite guest), or not come if she prefers. And leave it at that. She's 10 and unless there are SN you haven't mentioned not being able to sit through a wedding service is rubbish. They aren't that long. Just remind her if she isn't there she won't get to try (insert thing she was looking forward too e.g. yummy wedding cake).

But also.....if she doesn't come don't hold it against her as mum may have a lot of influence on her. She might feel she's being disloyal in someway by coming.

It would be good for Dad to see her and speak to her before then. Can he just pop over one evening for a cup of tea with mum and her?

I'd get your DP to discuss with her that she doesn't have to attend the day/be part of the briday party. Leave her decide and take the pressure off.

As for the hen, do something that suits you not a 10 year old.

It’s really hard to find the balance. Husbands children are lovely, good natured kids, they have been very receptive of me & we have a good relationship (I have never tried to be stepmum if that makes sense, just dads wife). Wedding was very small because of lockdown, we were in phase 2 where tiny weddings of under 15 (including the photographer)!. I did my very best to make them feel included such as them choosing their outfits, talks about how they might be feeling, that nothing would change etc. I wasn’t really allowed much for the wedding (12 guests, no reception, social distance etc etc) BUT was allowed a cake which was nice & we were allowed a very quick meal outside after. So instead of the cake I wanted, I had a scaled back one for adults (froze the leftovers) & a separate one just for them to cut with their initials on in their favourite flavour, that only they were allowed to eat & to take home to their mum & step siblings afterwards. I couldn’t think of much else to do to involve them & make them feel special with all the covid measures in place. I chose a menu that would suit their preferences for the meal & I felt quite proud of not necessarily choosing what I wanted for myself when this was practically all we were allowed in a scaled back wedding, & I was pleased we were able to do something that I thought would please them.
Totally wrong. The following weekend they were really confrontational & said they felt like weddings are supposed to be all about kids and I didn’t do a speech about them thanking them for coming (I didn’t do a speech at all)?! And I honestly just didn’t even consider that was an expectation. I asked if mummy had done a speech about them at her wedding & they confirmed she hadn’t. I really don’t know where that came from. I thought I’d done my best, instead of booking a honeymoon for when things opened up we’d booked a theme park holiday for them which they were aware of, I was really a bit upset that they weren’t happy with any of this. I was blindsided honestly.
BUT
realistically, no matter what I’d done, and despite the fact their mum is married already, I think marrying their dad was the final nail in the mum & dad getting back together dream. They’ve previously expressed a wish for them & mummy & daddy to live in one house & me & stepdad to live next door, I don’t think children can help their feelings about this. It’s difficult because mum & dad aren’t really friends & the youngest doesn’t remember them together but it still doesn’t change that kids want their family to be together.

I think if I were you I’d scrap the kid focused hen do, just do an afternoon tea with her in a nice place another time if you can, just the two of you. If she’s feeling off about the wedding then a whole party celebrating the upcoming marriage might be more stressful & she nor your need well meaning questions from people about if she’s excited for the wedding etc if it’s going to stress her out.
If I had my time again I wouldn’t have tried so hard because whatever I could have done, it wouldn’t change how they felt on the day about daddy marrying someone else when he didn’t marry mummy.
The kids are absolutely fine with me & things are back to normal but the post wedding period was difficult, I didn’t expect it because we get on so well but ultimately if I had my time again I’d have been prepared that it will bring up funny feelings in children if one of their parents is getting married. My own parents divorced when I was 3 but neither remarried so I had no idea.
I’m having a belated party this year on my anniversary for everyone who was at home watching on zoom & I hope they enjoy that more than the wedding, hopefully they will with less pressure & strong feelings.
Congratulations on your marriage & I hope you have a perfect day xx

It’s lovely that you’ve tried to make it so focused on her but it’s your day - not hers.
Stop pandering to her is the best thing. Give her some space. Leave it for her Dad to go and see her if need be. She may well think that she has a certain amount of control over the situation if you carry on like this and her behaviour/attitude is unlikely to change.

Seems to be a lot of comments about her coming to the realisation that her parents aren’t getting back together. If you’ve been with her dad for over 4 years I’d be a bit concerned if she thought there was still a glimmer of hope of that!
I think it’s lovely you’ve tired to include her. If you said you hadn’t you’d be criticised for not. Best thing is in my opinion is to not pander to it and be kind & respectful but at the end of the day you deserve to enjoy the build up to your wedding, and try not to let this take anything away from it :) I hope you have a lovely wedding day x

@Rosebella215 she might have realised obviously but dad getting married means that the dream fantasy imagination world is definitely not happening. The fin nail in the coffin.

@LadyCluck

It’s lovely that you’ve tried to make it so focused on her but it’s your day - not hers. Stop pandering to her is the best thing. Give her some space. Leave it for her Dad to go and see her if need be. She may well think that she has a certain amount of control over the situation if you carry on like this and her behaviour/attitude is unlikely to change.

I agree with this. It's kind of you but there's really no need to bring her on your hen do and it doesn't sound like she wants to be part of the bridal party. I wouldn't have that much sympathy for the not wanting to sit still excuse from a 10 year old, tbh, but it sounds like that isn't her real issue. The bottom line is it's your day, she can choose to come or not to come but you don't need to centre it around her or stress too much about it.

Don’t pander to her. It’s your day, enjoy it.
I have a DSD who played up at our wedding, the wedding photos are awful because she’s scowling in all of them.
It’s not her day, make it important for you and your DH. She can have her day another time.

You should have the hen do that you want.

I agree with releasing her from any pressure she might be feeling by saying that she doesn't have to be part of the bridal party and she can sit with X instead. (X being someone who would take her out if she needed)

I wonder if she's ever discussed how she felt seeing her mum get remarried? It might be tougher this time because she's getting close to being a teen and she may have watched films or tv programmes where adults get back together eg The Parent Trap

You've not done anything wrong but hopefully she will come round after the wedding when she realises that things will feel the same to her as before.

Unfortunately you are giving this child too much choice, consideration and freedom within your life.

Children really do need firm boundaries and elements of parental control regarding all manner of things. This is for a very good reason.

This child has so much say and power she doesn’t know what to do with herself or how to deal with it!

I absolutely think you are coming from a good place but please re-evaluate your approach in allowing her such freedoms and decision making powers.

I agree with @Quitelikeit
Kids sometimes need adults to be calm and matter of fact rather than desperately trying to placate them. By offering so much choice and chopping and changing things so much I think you are accidentally making her feel more insecure.

I think you should say "This is the plan. If you would like to join in then great but if you don't want to, that's also great" Organize an adult hen do and maybe suggest a separate event just with you and her if she'd like. Since you've known her for years, you'll know what kind of event she'd enjoy eg hair curled fancy , shopping them mock tails at TGI (my dd loved the strawberry one when she was a preteen)