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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Concerns for SD and SS - not sure what to do!

24 replies

3rdtimemomma · 01/03/2022 12:09

Hi all,

I will try and compact this into a nutshell.

I live with my partner and my 2 older children from a previous(8 and 11) and we have a 10 month old baby together)
We then share his 2 children (8 and 5) 50/50 with their mum.

It's been an ongoing issue with his children, the older going through lots of emotional issues and referrals are in place and the school are very involved and have been amazing! The younger less issues but does have a few behaviour issues.
We have 5 together for the days we have all the children and it's great ( tiring but great) and we have a great routine and are working with school to support my partners children and doing everything we can to help their issues and help them to thrive.

However I am very concerned - my SD has never had a good relationship with her mum and from what I know it's been fairly abusive ( emotionally and neglect ) more than anything.
There is lots of support in place for the mum with regards to parenting and lots of things have been set up to support.
But I am growing increasingly concerned for the children welfare whilst they are at their mums.
The daughter came to us last week and told myself and my partner on 2 seperate occasions in the day that her mum had got her by the neck ( scruff of) by her clothing and throw her against the stairs where she banged her head and then shouted if she didn't shut up she would do it again, she said she had red marks from the material and then because she didn't stop crying her mum did the same but threw her back into her room.
This made me feel very upset and quite sick. I told my partner and he said he was going to speak to me as she had told him a couple of hours earlier the same thing.
So they were dropped back and I said he must tell the school or at-least report this somewhere as it is extremely abusive.
Last night his daughter text begging him to collect them ( he was at work) or asking could I collect them as they are not safe there and they are both being shouted at and crying and being smacked and told lots of not very nice things. I read the message this morning and it broke my heart and I don't know what to do. So much is in place but I feel the school must be made aware immediately?
I am so worried this may get worse as it's been ongoing for years ( smacking , shouting etc) but I'm worried that the physical seems to have gotten significantly worse as of late and it scares me.

Any advice from anyone what they would do in this situation or any sort of I out of appreciate or if anyone has been through or going through this?
Or even if anyone thinks I'm over reacting! That would also be appreciated!

Many thanks!

OP posts:

CrotchetyQuaver · 01/03/2022 12:12

What about contacting social services as well as the school?

Original poster

3rdtimemomma · 01/03/2022 12:22

@CrotchetyQuaver I think there had already been a referral made to social services - but more to do with support as appose to reporting abuse if that makes sense

All of these things take forever

OP posts:

bluedodecagon · 01/03/2022 12:25

If there’s no court order, just go get them.

22022022MummaMEwarrior · 01/03/2022 12:25

Is there a court order in place?

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/03/2022 12:30

I would have thought that the children's father could keep the children at your house for safety and discuss the situation with social services. If the childreb's DM has assaulted her DD there is no question but that she should be removed from harm.Even if there is a suspicion of the child exaggerating she is asking for help.

Doidontimmm · 01/03/2022 12:33

I’d collect the children and not return them and get an urgent court variation if possible.

Savvysix1984 · 01/03/2022 12:47

If a child is reporting being abused you have a responsibility to report it to social care.

Whaddayuthnk · 01/03/2022 14:30

I would collect the children, then contact social services, seek legal advice with a view to keeping the children with you. Possibly report to police if advised to do so by legal advisors or ss. I would not feel comfortable sending children back there, they are asking their dad to protect them.

KindlyKanga · 01/03/2022 15:52

Dad should refuse to send them back until he is sure they will be safe

SmallElephants · 01/03/2022 16:02

I wouldn’t have dropped them back to her after the daughter’s disclosure when she was with you. She must feel so unsafe. Not trying to hurt you please know that, but u and much more so your partner her dad has a responsibility to protect her. She’s told you she’s being harmed and asked for help.
I would act right now. Can he find some pretext to get them today? First thing is to make sure that wee girl knows she’s been heard and adults will look after her.
Then you can call SWS, have a discussion with mum if he can, people can look into whether it’s true or not etc etc. and what’s best for the longer term but right now that 8 year old has told you she needs help.

SmallElephants · 01/03/2022 16:04

(I used to be a Children’s social worker if that helps).
Are u too late for school pick up where you are?

Ramalamadingdongs · 01/03/2022 16:12

Their father needs to protect them. If there's no court order in place he should just go and get them. Report to social services. Protect those poor children. I can't believe he's sending them back into a home where they're being beaten up.

Gingerkittykat · 01/03/2022 17:04

I would also call the police and report the assault on the child so it can be properly recorded and investigated.

Your partner is being neglectful by leaving them in an abusive situation.

Jackjack0962 · 01/03/2022 17:11

@Gingerkittykat

I would also call the police and report the assault on the child so it can be properly recorded and investigated.

Your partner is being neglectful by leaving them in an abusive situation.

This.

And speak to school and social services.

These children are telling you they aren’t safe. Please protect them.

DelphiniumBlue · 01/03/2022 17:19

This is awful. Go and get them.
Are you saying you DH had a message from them LAST NIGHT begging him or you to get them and he hasn't responded? If he was at work, couldn't you have got them?
Knowing how volatile things are, I hope he wasn't out of contact while he was at work.
Meanwhile, contact school ( presumably they have some idea that this had been going on) social services, and the police. How are you and DH standing by and not doing anything?

bigred22 · 01/03/2022 17:23

I would ring the police, if the kids tell them what's been happening at the very least there should be referrals made and the children brought to you

flipflopjump · 01/03/2022 17:34

Forget supporting mum. You need to act now to ensure the children are safe. Go and get the children or Ring social services now

TabithaTittlemouse · 01/03/2022 17:39

Last week she told you both that her mum was hurting her. Last week!

Lookingforatimeslip · 01/03/2022 17:46

I’d contact school and social services. Those poor kids must be so scared. What did your DH say?

daisyjgrey · 01/03/2022 19:20

If there's no court order, go and get them.

If there is, report to social services, the school, the police. I work with kids who are 16+ and so many of them have been abused/neglected, they needed someone to rescue them.

Original poster

3rdtimemomma · 01/03/2022 19:38

Hi all - Thankyou for all responses.
It's a very complex situation with regards to both child and what they are going through.

I feel like the school are trying their best but they seem to be fairly supportive of mum... which I do get and she clearly needs help for a number of things.

Since writing this post we were on our way to the school for a meeting with the head teacher due to the concerns and we were going to speak about those but on the way to the school we drove past my SD in her slippers who had run away from her mums house and was making her way to her nans due to being scared as mum had been really mean as my SD had been excluded today for a couple of days ( she has lots of emotional issues and lots going on and it's not a suprise given the circumstance!)
Mum didn't even know SD had left as she was asleep in bed ( poorly) and I pulled over and took her with us in the car, we are so lucky we were driving past at that exact moment. It's not even worth thinking about if we weren't)
So we got to school and a referral has been made to CASS. The advised both come with us but we kept SD , mum was reluctant and fairly angry over the phone and then due to the school not thinking SS was at immediate risk they allowed mum to collect him as appose to us taking both today. They said when collected he was happy to go with mum etc ( he is only 5 I think he isn't mature enough yet to know exactly what's going on)
So we are waiting on advice from CASS and MASH.

It's this cycle of how many chances do you give a parent? Iv tried to be sympathetic in the past towards her but I am now at a point where I cannot.

It is so stressful and I want the best for the children whilst trying not to step of my place as a step parent, but I care for them like they are my own and it absolutely turns my stomach to hear some things and feel I guess powerless. My DH is upset/ angry/ confused / needs lots of advice from school and other agencies to see what to do going forward.

It's a lot to take in in a short space of time.

I do appreciate all opinions and advice and guidance from each post, so thankyou
I am not naive

OP posts:

MeridianB · 01/03/2022 19:50

This is heartbreaking, OP and you sound so caring.

I agree with PP that you should report to SS and scoop up both children. Enough is enough.

Gingerkittykat · 02/03/2022 03:56

I'm glad that your SD is with you tonight.

I'm not sure what the agencies are (I'm in Scotland so things have different names) but hope it leads to you and your SD getting help.

Jackjack0962 · 02/03/2022 08:12

School don’t think SS is at immediate risk? I don’t think they are qualified to make that call.
SS needs to be with you IMO and I’d be scooping him up. I’d imagine big sister has protected him from a lot of what’s gone on but now he doesn’t have her. She must be absolutely terrified for him. Please protect that poor child OP.

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