DSC rejecting 'step brother' term

[youareaturnip]

Have one DS of my own whose dad is not involved at all. DP has 2 DSC with us half the time. We all get on well and we are planning on marrying.

Something that has been bothering me recently: My DS6 absolutely adores DSC. He constantly asks when they are coming, what they will do ect. He has started referring to DSC as step-siblings. DSC8 tells him off for doing this and says "I am not your step brother, I will never be your step brother" ect. They generally get on well aside from typical bickering.

Is DSC being reasonable (for an 8y/o) asserting his boundaries, or is this an issue?

Whilst it might not be nice, I don't think you can assert your boundaries on this issue. As a child I absolutely hated the 'step' anything. I'm not really sure why, I found it very embarrassing and even as a child it felt a bit Jeremy Kyle . I think you have to leave it up to your dsc how he describes his relationship with your ds. I would though explain to your ds that it's fine for him to think of him as his dsb, but that he finds the term upsetting so don't use it in front of him.

I never referred to my Dads second wife’s child as my step sister. Mainly because she was fucking horrible to me all the time, and got away with it. Things like “He’s more my Dad than yours because I live with him” I would correct her every time she tried to say it at school (year above me, secondary school).

I don’t refer to my step siblings on my Mums side as step siblings. They’re just my siblings. A very different dynamic where they were 7+ years old than me, and lovely. They’re divorced now but they’re still my siblings and we still meet up a lot.

Just to give an example.

Thanks for the replies. I guess I just felt a sense of rejection on behalf of DS.

@LightfoldEngines what a horrible thing to say sorry to hear about that.

I think the step brother/sister term is a bit old fashioned now. Thinking of all the families I know where this would be relevant I cant think of any who use it they either use brother/sister (usually if they have grown up with each other from a young age) or "my Dads wife's kids" or whatever generally if they are older or the relationship is fairly new.

I think its up to them how they define their relationship really. Maybe once you're married and they are actually step brothers it will change and for now he's in denial a bit. We had the opposite in DSC calling her mum's boyfriend's kid a Brother. That really hurt DH for some reason but you can't take it to heart really.

I agree that it's up to them. If they get on as you say they do then that's the main thing. Your step son is clear uncomfortable with your son calling him a step brother so I think you should have a word with him about respecting his boundaries on this. Trying to force your step son into feeling something he doesn't could cause resentment and ruin their relationship.

@KylieKoKo

Thanks that is a good point. They really do get on quite well, so was slightly surprised at his ardent rejection of the idea.

She wasn’t a nice person. She saw her own Dad every weekend, but due to my Dads job (and my arsehole mother), I’d only see him once a month, for Sunday dinner. So it’s not like she had no relationship with her own Dad and mine was flaunted in her face every weekend. But she always made sure she was bought home from her own Dads early whenever I was due to be there, so I got zero time with him.

Even as an adult I still don’t grasp why she was like that behind closed doors but would try and claim she was related to me every week at school. Baffling.

But I agree - you may have a partner and step child, but it doesn’t mean the children relate to each other in any way.

I suggest lowering your expectations of their relationship. It sounds like you are already expecting your DSC to be very close to your DS and that may not be the case over time. If you overreact and wade in defending your DS, it could sour the relationship forever.

Btw, this isn’t even really do to with them being step siblings. Even blood siblings reject each other at times. Parents who try to mandate closeness usually get the opposite.

@bluedodecagon

Yes I was going to say they are all actually much closer than me and my siblings were!

I guess I do feel defensive of DS as he views DP/ DSC as his family and doesn't have another parent/ sibling.

I guess I do feel defensive of DS as he views DP/ DSC as his family and doesn't have another parent/ sibling that would explain why DS is so keen to use the step brother term I guess. I'd just give it time. It might change when you're married.

@youareaturnip

I understand but the worst thing you can do is put pressure on the relationship. If you and your siblings aren’t close then you can imagine how helpful parental intervention is in that case.

They may go through periods of not getting along. DSC may go through periods of jealousy or defensiveness over their DP. I would start thinking about that now and possibly even thinking about counselling or strategies to deal with it.

If you go in with the idea that a blended family has to be exactly like a nuclear family, it can go horribly wrong.

I would leave it for now and try and gently encourage your son not to call him his step brother if it makes him uncomfortable then see what happens when you get married. Your step son might have changed his mind by then (either due to the change in relationship or because he’ll be a bit older) but even if he hasn’t by that point your son will be his step brother so it would be unfair to not let him say it.

Your son may have heard other people refer to your partner’s son as his step brother, and that’s partly where it’s come from.

Are you married to your DP? It sounds ad though you may not be so therefore he isn't his stepbrother so he is being literal. If you were to marry he may then accept your DS is his stepbrother.

If DSC and your DS usually get on well, this may just be a bee in his bonnet which DSC has at the moment. It may also be that in typical 8 year old fashion (even if DSC is usually a nice boy), DSC feels like this is something he can hold over your DS, e.g. there is a power element to it.

I think the best you can do is make as little fuss as possible - both to respect DSC's wishes but also to avoid feeding his ego if it is a power thing. I wouldn't mention it yourself and I would just encourage your DS to say to DSC that he's happy to be 'brothers' or not, whatever DSC prefers. If he prefers not, that's fine with your DS.