Advice on keeping things Equal!

[Anonmum102]

I have a DD 8 and my DP has a Son age 10 and we have a baby together who’s 7 months now. My SS stays every weekend. I’m just wondering if anyone else has a similar dynamic and can offer advice of whether I’m looking at this wrong or being overly sensitive. My DP has a lovely relationship with his son and adores him but sometimes it feels like he comes before everyone else including baby :( I know he loves our baby too. It’s just things like if I need to go out somewhere I’m expected to take the baby too because SS is here. Which I don’t mind but sometimes I need help too and because it’s every weekend I feel like my job is the girls and his priority is SS. All our weekend plans are based around SS and when he’s coming over and when we have to drop or pick him up. I also have to drop my DD to her dad sometimes which is maybe once a month but now I’m having to arrange childcare for our baby because SS is coming similar time and I have to drop my dd to her dad. He doesn’t seem keen on having baby and SS together while I go. I admire that my DP is such a great dad to our SS I really do. I know he desperately misses him all week however am I being unreasonable thinking my DP should be helping out with baby too? I’m wondering whether my DP is worried about making SS feel left out because she needs more attention but he’s hard to talk to sometimes as he’s very protective over SS. Please be kind with responses! I do love my SS, I’m trying not to be resentful i just need help sometimes!

Very difficult isn't it. I am in the same boat sometimes. My other half has two children which come to stay weekly. He drops everything for them all the time and bends over backwards to do what their mum needs. But rarely helps with our 14 month old. I have a 6 year old too and if we both need to do school drop offs, it's always me struggling to take the baby with me. However; my other half will look after our baby when step children are here but in terms of bed time - it's me that has to do the bath and bed because his kids are downstairs. Well so is mine but I'm still doing it! Men just can't multitask well!

Seems like you need to put your foot down. He needs to take baby and his DS more often. He's probably just worried he will mess up both parenting jobs. Reassure him but drop the bit where youmake his life oh so easy by picking up all the slack.

I would not be arranging childcare for the baby so you can donthings you need to do - like take dd to her dad's. The baby's father will need to step up on that one.

I appreciate it can be difficult for absent parents and they want to make the most of the time they get - but actually every weekend is alot of your family downtime. The 3 kids need to be a family group not pitted against each other in terms of time and attention. So he needs to pull his weight with the baby.

Your SS is 10 not 2, he will not be feeling left out if his dad has to look after his DD alongside him. In fact, he is at an age that he can help and should be encouraged to spend time getting to know his sister rather than see her as a separate entity. It is absolutely ridiculous that you are having to arrange childcare when the father of your child is available. Stop doing that and allowing your DH to cop out of his fatherly duties.

We had some difficulties with this dynamic and in the end I said to DH that as our joint D.C. grew up they were going to end up feeling that his DSD is his favourite and that they aren’t as important; I said to him to look at it from their perspective and asked how his bond would develop with our DC in this situation. He understood my point and we try to share the time a bit more equally now.

Also as our DC have become older I might be doing something on a weekend that I can’t take our children too so I just tell him that I’m out that day or evening and if he says but DSD is here I pretty much say “and? What’s the issue with looking after two D.C.?”

There are also lots of questions you could ask him about why ss is favoured over baby dd and indeed your dd...

Is it because he's a boy, the eldest, somehow more deserving of his time? Or is it because he cannot cope with 2 children yet expects you to all the time orris it because he doesn't expect ss to share him - but it's OK for your dd to have to share you with the baby all the time every weekend?

He needs to step up!

@PinkSyCo

Your SS is 10 not 2, he will not be feeling left out if his dad has to look after his DD alongside him. In fact, he is at an age that he can help and should be encouraged to spend time getting to know his sister rather than see her as a separate entity. It is absolutely ridiculous that you are having to arrange childcare when the father of your child is available. Stop doing that and allowing your DH to cop out of his fatherly duties.

This with bells on it.

If you both dropped dead tomorrow the brother and sister will not have a relationship with each other as one hasn't been built up over the years. Also his son and your daughter probably won't try to maintain a relationship as there is no-one to act as a common link between them.

OP, what you don't know is how hands on was he with his son when he was an infant and toddler. Some men are not very hands on in those early stages. While this does not justify the behavior, it might go a long way in explaining the behavior. Before you jump to the assumption that he has different feelings about the children, you should discuss this with him.

He just abandons his baby when his other child is there?!

What if something happened to you?

What?! Is he incapable of looking after two kids at once. This is quite frankly bizarre behaviour.

It's not good for SS or DC.

We are in a similar position with a 4 month old. DP has DSD6 who stays with us EOW and he sees twice after school at his parents (it's too far to come here after school). I have DS10 and DD8.
I was getting fed up of not getting any time with my older kids while he was going the cinema, could read, play games etc. with his DD without having to juggle a baby. I'm BF so baby has to stay with me and obviously that's not his fault, however I didn't want caring for the baby to default to me.
Like the OP, my DP is a good dad - I wouldn't have had a baby with him if he wasn't. I'd like to say we had a calm chat but the reality is I lost my shit and told him he needed to step up and tbf he has done.
It wasn't to do with preferring DSD, he was just more comfortable and confident parenting her - much easier than the baby. Plus, with me BF it was easy for him to take a back seat.
I'm sure if you have a chat with him he'll step up.