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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

She hates me

19 replies

sinkorswim1 · 21/02/2022 22:38

I need some advice please...
situation: I'm getting married in June to the most amazing person, we have lived together for 4 years in my house (rented) he owns his home that his dd and bf live in, they pay the bills but no rent. Due to health reasons with my h2b he can't no longer earn what he has been.. when things go wrong in his house he has to pay for the maintenance of replacing and fixing things 'as this is how's it's always been' ... h2b has said that he needs to charge a rent A to cover problems arising and also to live off and to contribute to the home we share.

His dd is not happy, since announcing our wedding date no longer visits , has restricted me on social media, does not engage , tells extended family she does not want to visit but no one can say or will say why..

I have tried and tried over and over , does not thank me for bday gifts , does not respond to texts. I feel I'm getting the blame for the 'rent charge' that's not happened yet but she is of the thought that had I not come along then her life wouldn't have changed , even ask him to sign the house to her ... he can if he wants I really don't care but what I'm finding really hard is the way she's behaving, early 20's earns the same as me but also has the life style of a wannabe .. high maintenance, money has never been an issue through childhood, It was today I saw that she's restricted me on her fb , why ? Why won't she ever come round ? Invited Xmas day , Boxing Day , New Years and never turned up! Sorry I'm rambling but I don't know what to do , he has said he could challenge her but it's not going to change her , he says not to let her know it's got to me / him as that way we are not feeding into her behaviour, but it's awful when all you have done is good and get treated like shit .. she being very sweet to him today which is odd for her... I don't know what she's trying to achieve is it manipulated behaviour, in the past she will verbally attack when it don't go her way .. to him then sulk then fine again , he's don't challenge it he says it will blow over this time it's different she's ignored me birthday wishes , restricted me and sending him sweet texts I feel she is tactile and is trying a different approach, I can't do this mind game shit , it's making me feel Ill, if I spoke with her I would be told there is no problem between us (he's ask in the past) stuck with this and I'm now worried about getting married and this getting worse

OP posts:

Redbullgivesyouwings · 21/02/2022 23:06

I suggest you take a massive step back and emotionally detach from this and not live your life governed by social media..
This will consume you otherwise.
She's an adult, she can deal with it.

negomi90 · 21/02/2022 23:17

She's an adult who doesn't live with you. She doesn't have to like you or make an effort, as long as she is polite to you.
You aren't a stepmother who's been there for years and helped raise her.
Big breath and let her deal with her and manage his relationship with her.
Draw a boundary if she's rude, but otherwise let her be.
(I'm not friends with my stepfather on facebook and he's been around since I was 3).

Justilou1 · 21/02/2022 23:19

She’s an entitled madam who probably should be kicked out and paying rent and bills in the real world so your DH can sell his home and provide for himself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/02/2022 23:29

Are there other reasons you’re considering not marrying him? He doesn’t seem to mind you and she don’t have a relationship so why do you?

I’m not sure what could be worse tbh, she doesn’t like you or want to spend time with you, you don’t think much of her either so why not just accept things as they are?

Why are you feeling ill?

Not sure why you have on fb or expect her to have you on hers. She’s made her feelings very clear so stop flogging a dead horse.

I’m sure you haven’t done anything wrong, there probably isn’t a clear reason for her behaviour, you just don’t get on/she doesn’t want you in her life in a meaningful way. It’s not what you hoped for but it’s not completely out of the ordinary. Stop inviting her to stuff, leave all comms to her dad. You’re obsessing and it’s only hurting you.

He’s fine marrying someone his daughter doesn’t like, so that’s okay.

She shouldn’t be rude to you, he needs to deal with it if she is, but if she’s just declining invitations you could have it a lot worse.

Just try and relax. Maybe have a think about why someone being cold to you is making you question your forthcoming marriage.

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 21/02/2022 23:33

Oh god don't marry him ffs. You have your own home and your own money, stay independent. If he wants to move in fine, but don't merge finances...... He could well sign over his house to his dd and then where will you be?? 😬

Tattler2 · 22/02/2022 01:22

Is the fact that his income will be reduced a problem? If you do not wish to be married to a man with a reduced income, do not get married.
It is unlikely that the daughter's response to you is going to improve. Obviously, her father's impending marriage is resulting in a possible change in her financial circumstances. Assumedly, he would not be considering these changes if he were not planning on getting married.

How will marriage improve your situation?

You have reservations. The daughter has anger. Where is the joy in this impending marriage?

You might all be better served by staying with the status quo.

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/02/2022 10:16

Money is often at the heart of problems with adult stepchildren. The attitude that everything Dad acquired, prior to meeting you, belongs to them, seems quite prevalent. When he moved in with you, it changed from belonging to them eventually to belonging to them right now. In their heads, once you are married, he can simply live off you!

I know you want to be a perfect stepmum and have a lovely family relationship. But actually - you are both being held to ransom - Dad hands over the house or you don't get to see any future grandchildren. When people show you who they are, believe them. If you can afford it, now is a good time to start seeing a counsellor/psychotherapist, because this kind of thing can break you.

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/02/2022 10:19

Assumedly, he would not be considering these changes if he were not planning on getting married.

If the OP was not in his life, the DP would have no choice but to move back into his house with the daughter and her boyfriend. Not a popular move, I suspect, after they've got used to having the run of the whole place!

Actually.... That might be the way to solve the problem. He moves back, you delay the wedding until they move out....

Original poster

sinkorswim1 · 23/02/2022 08:09

Thank you all for your replying, I have taken on board what you have said and yes I need to not focus on her issues. I am sensitive to the fact I can't get my head around someone dislikes me when I haven't done anything apart from I guess in her eyes is in a relationship with her father and I've put a spanner in the works. I believe the problem is she's had everything as and when she's wanted it throughout her life and now being ask to pay in to a home her and the bf are having a 'easy' life is hard for her. I don't dislike her , I have tried very hard to involve her in everything but get no where. As for finances, obviously he needs to contribute to our home, due to health his income has been less and he's can not continue to subsidise the other house with no income coming from that. As for the wedding I am apprehensive that she will blank me all day or have a grace about her and make our day difficult. His words are she wants a reaction for her behaviour and he's not feeding it so he continues to do what he always does and we are to ignore this toys from pram moment, there has been a few over the years...

OP posts:

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 23/02/2022 09:33

Could you move into your partners property and rent yours out instead?

Whaddayuthnk · 23/02/2022 09:38

He has the right idea. Charge the rent and ignore the strops. If she's not happy she can move - it sounds like she has the resources.

I'd try and detatch. It's not your job to foster a relationship between SD and DP. It's up to him how he manages it. Just be supportive of him but otherwise detatch and stay out of it!

Tattler2 · 23/02/2022 11:37

OP, is it possible that her mother contributed to the purchase and payment of this property and the understanding all along was that the property was to be hers at some point? Why not just have the dad deed over the property to her?

If dad cannot afford to support a wife on his income, that should not be the daughter's issue to resolve. Perhaps, he is not in a position to take on an equal share contribution in his marital household. The question then becomes, if he cannot afford to be married, why then is he planning a wedding?

Whaddayuthnk · 23/02/2022 12:02

@Tattler2

Why would he give his asset to his (entitled) daughter just because he moved in to a rented property with OP? That is really terrible advice.

He needs to cut the apron strings so his adult daughter takes responsibility for herself. But it's not your concern so I'd stay well out of it.

Whaddayuthnk · 23/02/2022 12:03

Is it's 'meant to be hers at some point', he can leave it in his will!

Tattler2 · 23/02/2022 12:36

@Whaddayuthnk
How is giving the house that was intended for her any more of a bad decision than is getting married when you obviously cannot afford to be married?

I doubt his deceased wife ( assuming that she contributed to the payments on the house ) intended that the revenue from the house would support his next wife rather than her daughter.

Perhaps the daughter is not so fond of the bride to be because she is trying to direct the management of the groom's premarital assets.

I cannot imagine trying to tell someone who they should manage an asset that the owned prior to meeting me and one to which I had made no financial contribution. It seems a bit presumptuous to me.

The brides input should go towards those things and resources that they purchase or generate as a couple.

If his current income is insufficient, perhaps he should not get married.

SpaceshiptoMars · 23/02/2022 12:47

I doubt his deceased wife ( assuming that she contributed to the payments on the house ) intended that the revenue from the house would support his next wife rather than her daughter.

That's an interesting take on this. Hell of a dripfeed if you're right

Unlikely to be the sole property of a late wife in the UK - the marital home is normally jointly owned - and if not so to begin with, it becomes so after a long marriage. More of a possibility that half reverts to the children on the death or remarriage of the widower.

Original poster

sinkorswim1 · 23/02/2022 17:42

The ex wife is not dead , where has that one come from ?

And I'm not interested in the property he can sign it all over, that would not bother me in the slightest, what my issue was she can't stand me because her dad has ask her and her bf to contribute to living in a house he owns .

Thanks for you advice ladies , I am now taking a step back

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 23/02/2022 17:54

@sinkorswim1

If you didn't exist and Dad was living in his own home with DD and her bf - and he asked them for rent because they're all grown up and earning now - what would happen? DD would give him a massive dose of the moody on blues, wouldn't she?

The fact that he is with you just gives her a loaded gun to point - she gets far more leverage by screwing with your head and making you miserable than by taking aim at Dad (who is wise to her ways).

FinallyHere · 23/02/2022 18:19

she's had everything as and when she's wanted it throughout her life and now being ask to pay in to a home her and the bf are having a 'easy' life is hard for her

Why marry someone who has brought his DC up to be like thing?

Why have you decided to get married ?

What advantages will it bring, to balance out the horrible treatment you are having to take on the chin?

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