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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What would you do

25 replies

spellingtest · 19/02/2022 23:10

I would be grateful for some honest advice

Been with my boyfriend for 8 years. He has two children. Youngest daughter(13) 'hates' me (by his admission). I see some evidence of this but certainly not constantly. He tells me when she is lovely and engaging this is due to her 'pretending'. He feels things have got so bad he needs to holiday alone with daughter and older sibling. Older siblings wants us to holiday together as do my mid aged teenagers

I'm inclined to think that step daughter wants daddy all to herself and has succeeded.

Views please?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HerRoyalNotness · 19/02/2022 23:12

Sounds like he is manipulating the situation to get a holiday alone, for whatever reason.

Original poster

spellingtest · 19/02/2022 23:16

@HerRoyalNotness

Sounds like he is manipulating the situation to get a holiday alone, for whatever reason.

You might be onto something. Thank you! I need other view points. Grateful for the feedback.

OP posts:

2YearsOfWastedTime · 19/02/2022 23:18

This is a boyfriend problem rather than the childs problem

But how much ‘just dad’ time do they get?

Tattler2 · 19/02/2022 23:50

Why don't you and your partner do an adult only vacation and then each of you take your respective children alone on a vacation? This way everyone gets a vacation on which they should be comfortable.

If you and your partner present this as a fair accompli , none of the kids should object as they all get a vacation. Obviously, the 10 year old does not seem to share the other kids sense of being part of the unit. She should not be penalized or made to feel uncomfortable in a situation for which there is a readily available solution. If time and resources are a problem, the 2 tiers of vacationing need not happen at the same time.

Is it not possible for your partner to spend more alone time with his daughters -particularly if one is feeling a need for time with her dad away from the group?

Not every grouping leads to a happy blending situation. This may just be one of those situations. If you 2 have been together for 8 years and she is just 10, she may, with some justification, feel that she has never had family time with her dad without you and your kids. Even though it may seem unfair to you and your kids, it is something that she may need and want. Fair or not, it is a feeling to which her father should be attentive.

Original poster

spellingtest · 20/02/2022 05:55

Thank you. They get lots of time together just them. They went on holiday last year without the rest of us and often go out for meals themselves too.

OP posts:

CakesOfVersailles · 20/02/2022 06:05

If you and your partner present this as a fair accompli , none of the kids should object as they all get a vacation.

That presumes the child sees a vacation as a good situation. There are certainly people that, as an adult, I would turn down a free holiday with!

@spellingtest

Do you both have your children 100% of the time? Or is it feasible for him to have a family trip with his kids and then for you to have a couples trip while the kids are elsewhere?

Will you really enjoy this holiday with a child who doesn't really like you? More than you would enjoy a holiday with just the two of you?

CakesOfVersailles · 20/02/2022 06:05

Do you all live together or do you have two separate homes?

Original poster

spellingtest · 20/02/2022 06:08

@CakesOfVersailles you've made an excellent point. I would prefer a holiday without the stress and one of my teenagers doesn't like holidays anyway. Boyfriend does like holidays and feels he should take kids on holiday.

OP posts:

Original poster

spellingtest · 20/02/2022 06:08

We all love together although j still have my home too.

OP posts:

Original poster

spellingtest · 20/02/2022 06:10

*live. What an error due to the nature of the post!

OP posts:

PolkaSpace · 20/02/2022 07:53

@HerRoyalNotness

Sounds like he is manipulating the situation to get a holiday alone, for whatever reason.

Yes that's how it reads to me too

Dollyparton3 · 20/02/2022 08:01

Speaking as someone who wears the badge of honour of being the "hated" stepmum by one of my SC, I wouldn't want to holiday with someone who's expressed this sort of sentiment towards me or her father who doesn't seem to be going to great lengths to manage it. Why put yourself in that position?

In my experience it felt like waiting to be judged for anything I did that SD could use against me. In hindsight I wish id keep my distance more

spacehardware · 20/02/2022 08:03

It sounds pretty terrible of him to tell you that when she's nice to you, she's just pretending. You would expect a father in a blended family situation to be reassuring to his partner, not shit stir

NorthernSpirit · 20/02/2022 08:30

I’ve been with my OH 8 years (known the kids for 7.5 years).

I have a really good relationship with the younger SS (13) he’s a joy to be around. I have absolutely no relationship (through her choice) with older SD (16). She’s pretty unpleasant to me & I have massively taken a step back. Not because she wants her dad to herself but she’s heavily influenced by her high conflict mother who drips poison into her ear.

I would tell them to jog on and enjoy their own holiday. Do you really want to put yourself in that situation?

I remember a particularly unpleasant week away with my OH’s daughter a few years ago and I vowed never to put myself in that situation again.

Look up the NACHO SP method. It has helped me & my mental health immensely.

Notwithittoday · 20/02/2022 08:32

I think he’s using his daughter to tell you he’s checking out of the relationship

PolkaSpace · 20/02/2022 08:38

@spacehardware

It sounds pretty terrible of him to tell you that when she's nice to you, she's just pretending. You would expect a father in a blended family situation to be reassuring to his partner, not shit stir

Yup its a really weird thing to do

LatentPhase · 20/02/2022 08:48

What’s the normal setup, how often do you see her? If you barely see her, then it would seem natural to holday apart too.

Is your DP doing anything (day to day) to manage the situation? That’s the crux.

FantasticFebruary · 20/02/2022 09:02

@LatentPhase. The OP said they all live together.

@spellingtest. You have a DP problem, rather than a SD problem what on Earth is he playing at shit stirring ?! You all live together, everyone else wants to go on holiday together. Does he take his other 'child' out for dinner alone too, or just the 'special' one? Why is she his 'chosen one'?

Seems like he's trying to cause problems, try to work out why.

Original poster

spellingtest · 20/02/2022 13:07

Thank you all for the advice and shared experiences. Looking at it from the perspective of why would I want to go has been really helpful. I think I'm actually dodging a bullet when I look at it like this. Thank you.
To answer some of the questions - his other child lives away from home (she's a young adult). Child in question lives 50% with mum and other half with us. My children see their father every other weekend. When we are all together it's a lovely atmosphere. When his daughter returns the whole dynamic changes.
Partner says he is trying to protect her as he knows she doesn't like me (in the past he has told me that she properly hates me and I even found written on her actual bedroom wall her kill list which contained my name and my daughters name. He thought this was funny!)
They have a very close relationship. She tells him over and over again that she loves him, cuddles him constantly and it can often make me feel quite uncomfortable the way she drapes herself over him. They hold hands at the table.
I suspect she is feeling insecure and possibly in competition. I don't think the problem lies so much with her but that she is being enabled to act in this way as she then gets dad all to herself.
Disney Dad springs to mind.
Once again thank you all for the replies. It's really helpful to see if from other's perspectives.

OP posts:

PolkaSpace · 20/02/2022 13:10

(in the past he has told me that she properly hates me and I even found written on her actual bedroom wall her kill list which contained my name and my daughters name. He thought this was funny!) he found this funny?!!! Omg please leave him. He has no thought for your safety.

LatentPhase · 20/02/2022 13:49

His explanation is he is trying to protect her? From what exactly?! Maybe more likely is that he is protecting himself, to cover up for the fact that he has no idea how to manage the relationship. I don’t buy the line ‘they are close’. I would not be fooled by the draping and handholding.

This probably is, as is very often the case, a DP problem.

As for the holiday, I would get booking something separate and think nothing further of it.

Bananarama21 · 20/02/2022 15:48

He holds hands at the table and they gone away together and for meals. It doesn't sound like a typical daughter father relationship sounds intense.

BigPurpleEgg · 20/02/2022 15:56

Sorry, she wrote on the wall that she wants to kill your daughter? The relationship would have been over straight away for me as I wouldnt have let her step foot in my daughters house again. The fact he laughed... baffled why you would still be with this person

lunar1 · 20/02/2022 17:42

If you still have your own home, I'd go back there with your child where there are no kill lists on the wall!

Sometimes a situation creeps up slowly and you don't see how bad it is. I suspect you are letting some shocking behaviour slide. I'd consider making a list of everything you think isn't quite right and really thinking about if this is what you want for your life.

Tattler2 · 20/02/2022 19:26

OP, is it possible that the child resents the fact that your partner spends more time with children to whom he is not related than he spends with her? That would have to be a difficult arrangement for many young children to accept and come to terms.

If you have your own home, why not move into your own home? You need not end the relationship, but you can give this child the space and time that she seems to need while living apart together.

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