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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Would you continue a relationship post split with DSC?

23 replies

SadFaceEmj · 17/02/2022 18:59

Inspired by another thread on AIBU.

Would you try to continue a relationship with your step children if you split from their parent?

I personally wouldn't.

OP posts:

Kbyodjs · 17/02/2022 19:02

My DSD is a teen and if she wanted to then I definitely would; my DC are her siblings and we are a family.
However in different situations including when DC are younger sometimes it’s not always for the DCs best interests but im generally in favour of a gradual retreat rather than a sharp ending

GiantSpider · 17/02/2022 19:05

My brother is in the process of splitting up with his wife and is planning / hoping to stay in contact with his DSD. She's an adult and he's been in her life since she was a young child. Only if she wants to of course.

Different if the DSC are younger, when I think a clean break can be less confusing for them.

Chasingsquirrels · 17/02/2022 19:08

Depends on the relationship with the children pre-split, and also on the nature of the split.

ThackeryBinks · 17/02/2022 19:14

I would with my youngest DSS. When he was younger he was anxious that I would leave him. He's an adult now but stays close.

sassbott · 17/02/2022 19:30

Depends entirely on ages. I think if a relationship can be fostered independently of the parents (children are old enough) then I would be open to it.

Last year I split with my exp after an on/ off 5 year relationship and his kids adored me. Sadly due to their ages (primary), it’s not doable for a variety of reasons. A part of me hopes that when they’re older they’ll try and find me. Due to my exp I didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye to them, so as far as they’re concerned I’ve just disappeared. That makes my heart sad sometimes.

AliceMcK · 17/02/2022 19:49

I have a relationship with my DSD. She was 8 or 9 when we split. She wanted to still see me, her parents were happy for her to still do this. Once exH moved on his GF wasn’t happy but DSDs mum told her where to go, her dd wanted a relationship with me that’s all that mattered. I actually became quite good friends with DSDs mum over the years. We live in separate countries now and DSD is 25 now but we stay in touch, she visited me a few years ago and hopes to agin soon.

I think it fully depends on the circumstances. My DSD has told me when I was married to her dad it was the only time she felt happy and stable being around him and feels if I’d stayed with him her life would have been different. My ex never wanted children, neither did his partner, the gf he moved onto after me, so I think my DSD always felt an inconvenience and never wanted by them, they would argue about who was going to have to look after her or dump her on others over their weekends. I never did that, she always had me to herself. She’s close to her mum but she has another child and single mum to both so seeing me was an escape and for her to have an adult focus solely on her.

I didnt have other children and was in no rush to remarry so there were no other factors to take into consideration when it came to spending time with my DSD. By the time I met my DH she was a preteen and well established in my life, he had no choice but to accept her, they get on great.

Penvelopey · 17/02/2022 19:49

No. It would be too hard for me.

funinthesun19 · 17/02/2022 19:52

It depends on the age of the child. Because the age of the child changes the dynamics.

When I split with my ex, his child was 13. If his child was any younger I wouldn’t have kept in touch because it would have meant having to deal with the parents, and feeling pressured to do play dates, child care, include dsc in days out, and I would have had to supervise them when in my care. The dynamics would have just been completely different and more would have been expected of me.
Because dsc was 13, we’ve been able to have a really laid back easy going relationship and keep in touch directly. Everything is on an ad hoc basis and we get on really well.

Leggingslife · 17/02/2022 19:52

CherylPorter350 · 17/02/2022 19:53

I've been with DH 10 years and DSC are 16 and 18 so yes I would maintain a relationship.

If they were really young and we'd not been together that long then I probably wouldn't

KylieKoKo · 17/02/2022 20:33

If they wanted to I would. I wouldn't try to force it if it didn't happen naturally though.

TragicMuse · 17/02/2022 20:46

Both my step-parents' marriages to my parents ended. My relationship with them didn't end. One lasted about 4 years, the other about 9 years.

I loved my step-mother and my step-father. They each made half of my sisters. I went to my step-mother's second wedding. I used to go and see my step-father and his second family. His later children are siblings of my heart, if not my blood.

But I know that not everyone feels the same.

I can't imagine not having had them in my life.

TragicMuse · 17/02/2022 20:49

On marriage lasted 4 years and the other was about 9.

My relationship with each of them lasted till they died, and lasted over 45 years.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 17/02/2022 20:51

When I threw exh out the Brucey Bonus was never having to see his dc again!!

sassbott · 17/02/2022 20:51

Some of these stories are lovely. It’s made me miss them loads just now. I hope deep down they know I loved them and didn’t just abandon them 😢

RedWingBoots · 17/02/2022 21:57

Yes because I'm the mother of their half-sibling.

I actually stayed in contact with my ex SM until her death due to having half-siblings.

I have friends who stayed in touch with ex SP but they were teenage or older when they split with their parent. Some of the SP were with their parent for only a few years but they said the SP did a lot for them emotionally while married to their parent.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 17/02/2022 22:11

*we had no shared dc... Specifically because I didn't want ties to his ex or his dc. Way too much drama.

Justtobeclear · 18/02/2022 08:31

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping I’m the same. SS and DH’s exp are just very unpleasant - we have come near to divorce more than once because of situations and behaviours from them. I didn’t want a child linked to them because that would mean I couldn’t make a clean break. My DH would want to see my dc’s as he’s known them since they were a year old and I’d be ok with that for their sake but it wouldn’t involve SS.

CornishGem1975 · 18/02/2022 16:00

I would doubt it but then we have a shared DC so I imagine we would see each other at some point.

CornishGem1975 · 18/02/2022 16:01

On a more morbid note, I've considered what would happen if my DH died. There is NO relationship with his ex-wife so there's not a chance she would facilitate me seeing them in any way, but then they would definitely want to see my DC (their step-siblings and half-sibling). I just don't know what would happen.

RedWingBoots · 19/02/2022 17:20

@CornishGem1975 it depends on how old the oldest child is. It doesn't matter if the oldest child is yours or one of their half-siblings. It is up to the older child to contact the younger ones.

If they are teenage and reasonably independent, all you have to do is facilitate somewhere where they can meet up and don't block other forms of contact.

If they are adult then you just help by making sure your children, if they are the younger ones, are available within reason if their siblings want to meet with them and allow other forms of contact. (And it is expected the other way round. )

In my case my relationship was primarily with my older siblings not their mother due to the age gap. I know other people where both mothers facilitated them seeing their sibling(s) at primary school age, but the mothers actually have no ongoing relationship with their child(ren)'s sibling(s) once they hit older teenage years.

CornishGem1975 · 19/02/2022 17:23

@RedWingBoots At the moment, my SC are under the age of 10. I guess it would be a case that when they were older they could make the decision.

HeckyPeck · 19/02/2022 17:51

I would.

DSD is basically a sharer for of one of my horses and assuming she wanted to carry on (which she would as she loves the ground he trots on) then I would definitely still facilitate that. Assuming her parents allowed her to keep coming as she's 12 so couldn't make that decision herself.

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