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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Will my SC still come to visit as they get older?

18 replies

PeeAche · 17/02/2022 18:09

Had the day off today and spent it rearranging furniture like a loon. Thought my step daughter could do with a desk, as she's getting older. Got me thinking about how it works when they become teens.

Currently we have them EOW and half of the hols. They live quite far away because mum moved for a fresh start.

My husband picks them up and drops them off but it's still 2.5 hours each way, which is quite intense.

I remember being a teenager (just about! 😅) and all I wanted to do with my weekends was stand around in the town centre, with an exposed midriff, chewing Juicy Fruit and squealing at unremarkable things.
If someone had told me this was off the menu every other week, I think I would have felt like I was dying. Or something equally dramatic.

Anyone here with older long-distance-step-children? Did they still come when they were teenagers? And, if they didn't, did it mark the end of their relationship with dad? Currently my step children have such a lovely relationship with my husband, I find it hard to think about them drifting apart.
Same question to anyone that was the teenager doing the drive-to-dads... I'd love to hear first hand!

The contact time is court ordered, but there's no way my husband would force his kids to keep doing it, if it was making them genuinely miserable.

Anyway, that's it really - just wondering about other people's experiences and what we might expect. I'd check the handbook... but nobody gave me one! 😅

OP posts:

goodnightgrumble · 17/02/2022 18:20

I used to go to my dads but not as often when I was a teenager! I went every few weeks unlike when I was younger!
I have an amazing relationship still with my dad and especially with my stepmum.

Greenandcabbagelooking · 17/02/2022 18:23

My half brother used to less often, but for longer, as he got older. Or we’d meet him somewhere and do something like a museum or zoo or something.
He has a great relationship with my parents and me.

Gloomandglow · 17/02/2022 18:28

I didn't go to my dad's as often during the teenage years. When I could drive myself there I would occasionally pop over after school for the evening and sometimes I stayed overnight to babysit my little sister but wouldn't have otherwise. I barely saw them when I moved away for uni but now live in the same street as them and see them all the time!

crabette · 17/02/2022 18:32

We have DSS, 13, 3 nights per week. His DM lives approx 30 mins drive from us.

There are times his face is frowny because he wants to be out with his pals instead of coming to his dads, but then also I think he likes being in our house better in bad weather (prefers his tech here, better wifi, and doesn't particularly like DM's new partner). And DH does try and accommodate a bit by picking him up later or whatever.

I often wonder similar to you OP, as he gets further into his teens - and I know it is something DH expects, as he's spoken about it before - maybe meeting him for dinners etc, or going to a football game together or something, rather than automatic residential overnights if it comes to it.

But, DSS does speak already sometimes about missing his dad, or missing his mum, if days are extended at either house for any reason, so I remain hopeful it won't come to that!

TryingToBeLogical · 17/02/2022 18:39

I was the child with the drive to dad. I do not live in the UK and it’s very surprising (note I did not say bad just surprising) to see posts on this board that young teens are allowed to choose whether they continue visiting a non-resident parent. I went every other weekend per court order until I was 18, even though my father lived 160 miles away and extended family had to drive me. It was never in question. At the time it was annoying, but I’m very grateful that everyone in my family prioritized my relationship with my father. Frankly, my extended family made more of an effort than my father did, he was a pretty lazy guy TBH.

My extended family on my father’s side is very close, and I’m from a part of the world where family and extended family relationships are considered very important. My grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. helped keep my relationship with my father going and expected through the extended family network. It became instilled in me that a core value is maintaining connections with your family. I always visited my father my entire life.

He developed terminal cancer and died at a young age several years ago. We had a good relationship. I can’t imagine how much harder losing my father would have been for me if I hadn’t decided to value and visit him, keep the relationship going, and be at peace with how I treated him. My own child was only three when he died. I’m so happy that we kept our relationship functioning so that she could know her grandfather.

In summary, I think children will keep coming if the personal values (not the “value”) of maintaining the relationship have been instilled in them, and a close extended family facilitates continued contact. I know other commenters may disagree or receive
my thoughts here in a light that upsets them based on their having different situations, and that’s fine. As an adult, of course it was my choice to make, and I’m glad I kept contact with my father even though quite frankly, in a lot of ways he offered much less as a parent than he should have.

Those are my personal feelings, since you specifically asked for people like myself to comment.

Lorw · 17/02/2022 19:07

I think my 13yo SS is getting to this point. Did a runner last week as didn’t want to come over as wanted to hang out with his mates (we live 2 hours away) however his mum had plans and didn’t want him to stay so DH had to go find him 🙄 we have him every weekend, I hope when his mum eventually lets him stay home like he wants that he still comes over, even if it’s just occasionally.

BigPurpleEgg · 17/02/2022 19:12

My 12 year old (ex) DSD got to this point last year. She doesn't actually want to be out with friends she wants to be online with them but we don't do 24/7 screen time or consoles in bedrooms so shes stopped coming. It's court ordered but xDP wouldn't force her, he just drives down to visit instead EOW. Around 3.5h each way. He's trying so hard to maintain their closeness and I Really feel for him but also glad I'm no longer involved as its only going to her worse

Stepmonstera · 17/02/2022 19:17

My dsc is 14 and i think we are getting towards this point.

KylieKoKo · 18/02/2022 10:52

DP and his ex have committed to stay living in the same area (we are about 15 minutes walk away) and now DSDs are teens this is saving us a lot of grief. I would have hated having to miss out on seeing my friends every other weekend and not being able to do my Saturday morning activity as a teen. I often wonder why parents don't take this into account when choosing to live in a different area to the other parent of their child!

negomi90 · 18/02/2022 11:45

My parents live 3h from each other. I still went to my dad regularly in my teens, and pretty much kept to the contact schedule by choice through uni, because I love both my parents and actually like spending time with him.

Pinkyxx · 18/02/2022 13:35

Kids naturally want to develop autonomy and I get relationships change so I do think being flexible is important. My ex moved away and it's a long drive to her Dads. Like most 13 year old girls, all she wants to do is hang out with friends at the weekend. Contact is court ordered and ex insists it happens without fail (no swopping of weekends allowed & he will not come see her as an alternative..). The irony being he doesn't actually spend anytime with her when she's there, instead they do stuff as a family, or she's tagging along to step sibs activities or sitting in her room (on a tablet ...). It's caused a rift between them and a lot of resentment as invariably she's missed out on a lot and has never been able to do activities at the weekend herself. I'm not looking forward to the coming years ...

That said, I wouldn't be happy with her not seeing her Dad regularly as it's important they have a relationship - you can't get that time back and family means everything (or at least that's my belief). How much relationship they have is up to ex but I wouldn't want her to think its ok not to see him. It's easy to drift at this age... the ideal is for parents to live close but that isn't always possible.

ilovemyboys3 · 22/02/2022 13:20

@Pinkyxx

I believe a court would accept her wishes in what she wants to do. I certainly wouldn't force my 13 year old to her dads when there's things she wants to do and will miss out on. Especially if she's not even getting much attention at her dads.

TryingToBeLogical · 22/02/2022 14:28

This is one of those very tough ones. Understandably, step families don’t like it when they feel a non-resident child is “treated like royalty,” or when the non-resident parent prioritizes them during a visit at the expense of younger resident children. But taking the near term perspective of the non-resident child, It’s a lot of hassle to make a visit to a place where you don’t have your daily comforts of home and travel is involved. And? as teens are aware, they’re usually giving up something socially on weekends to make that visit.

As a pp pointed out, especially if nobody’s that bothered to spend time with them when they turn up, or if they’re just slotting in to someone else’s less familiar daily routine, it becomes more attractive on balance to not go. The value of the visits only become apparent in the long run after everyone has grown up.

Not sure there are easy answers for anyone involved in the situation. I suppose those awkward teen years are something that just have to be gotten through by everyone, thankfully they don’t last forever!

waterrat · 22/02/2022 15:36

My dad moved abroad when I was about 13 and was in a desirable destination ie. There were beaches! I refused to go after the first trip I just hated being away from friends and as you say...the stuff teenagers really care about.

cherryonthecakes · 24/02/2022 10:46

My 15 year old visits dad every other weekend. My older kids started to decrease their visits when they got part-time jobs age 16/17 ish. Part-time jobs at that age means working a Saturday or Sunday which were the only days ex wasn't working.

SeasonFinale · 24/02/2022 10:50

Ours came until 16 and then stopped through 6th form but came in holidays. came in hols through uni and comes up occasionally now working.

SeasonFinale · 24/02/2022 10:51

All his choice I should add and he knew he was welcome anytime then as now.

SenecaFallsRedux · 24/02/2022 11:07

I continued to visit my dad and step-mother by choice often as a teen but not on a set schedule. My own step-children continued to visit us as teens, usually on the same schedule as when they were younger, but we lived close to DH's ex and her husband so it was easy to adjust according to whatever the teens had planned on weekends. Also, I'm in the US; they started driving at 16 so that helped with logistics.

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