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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Do we send her or call it quits for a while

23 replies

mommabear2386 · 17/02/2022 11:33

So I don't want to drip feed so I'll give some backstory as I've had a few threads covering this.
SD 15 moved in full time with us last august as she raised some issues with step dads controlling behaviour and nasty attitude, she wanted to move to a 50/50 set up with us but mum was very dismissive and blamed SD a lot so it led to her moving it permanently.
She's been quite horrid since them, stopping SD pocket money straight away as she 'doesn't contribute to the household' cancelling her phone sim straight away and giving her bed to a sibling so she's on a toddler type small single when she's there EOW (she's 5,9 FYI)

She's been going for a few month without too much complaint albeit she's counting down the hours and would rather not go as she feels ok the outside and mum spends zero time with her.

Mum cancelled the last two weekends due to illness in her house so it's been 5 weeks since they have spoke or seen each other.

Now this half terms she's meant to go for 5 days she was really hesitant and basically said there's no point as she'll just be sat alone or playing with younger sibling and she'd rather just go for the weekend and come home to revise and stuff. We said to reach out to her mum and see if they had any plans to do stuff.

Now she texted and said ' are you and I going to spend any time together do you think this half term nothing'
Mum replies saying 'like what? I have no money so we might go shopping but I wasn't planning anything '
She replies a ' a walk' mums replies ' it's February don't be silly'. THEN replies if you don't want to come at all this time it's fine you know?.....
THEN 'oh and I've looked ahead your birthday weekend falls on time her so if you don't want to come then that's fine to'

Like what the hell are we meant to say now?

OP posts:
Blendiful · 17/02/2022 11:36

Let her go what she wants and nothing more. It sounds like her mum is mad with her and is acting like a child. If she can’t be bothered to make the effort don’t make SD go anymore than she wants to.

Just let her know you will support whatever she wants to do, she is welcome to go as much or as little as she likes and is fine to be at home as much as is needed.

Original poster
mommabear2386 · 17/02/2022 11:37

Sorry posted too quickly. For the record DH is ready to call and have a almighty row and it will be so bad and will 💯 result is SD Not seeing her mum for a long time.

We are trying to stay out of it and just let things go but we are worried what it's doing to sd even though she's saying she's not bothered :(

OP posts:
littlese · 17/02/2022 11:38

I think you and DH will need to keep out of it, and just support her, whatever she decides to do

whistleryukon · 17/02/2022 11:49

For the record DH is ready to call and have a almighty row and it will be so bad and will 💯 result is SD Not seeing her mum for a long time

Good. She brings nothing positive to the kid's life.

ldontWanna · 17/02/2022 11:53

Step aside and don't promote contact if SD is not bothered/doesn't want to go. Repeated Discussions like this just reinforce the rejection. Her dad should ask if she wants to see her mum/when and then he should talk to the mum so he bears the brunt of it.

FetchezLaVache · 17/02/2022 12:07

Agree with all the others, but please make it clear to the poor kid that she is very much wanted and welcome where she is now. I can't imagine how rejected she must be feeling.

gogohm · 17/02/2022 12:22

I would reassure dsd she is very much loved and wanted at your house but she's welcome to see her mum as much or as little as she wants, just to let you know so you get the right amount of food shopping in. She's of an age she should be able to decide. It's a sad situation so I would just be very supportive of dsd. We are in a similar ish situation, dsd is older but her mum doesn't have anywhere for her to stay and seems not overly interested except to meet for coffee for a couple of hours (thankfully dsd drives).

Original poster
mommabear2386 · 17/02/2022 12:27

Oh she knows we love her and she's always wanted and welcome here that's a definite. I'm just not sure at 15 we should allow her to choose to almost severe that relationship but you are all right there's nothing worth saving right now. Maybe that will change in years but we've got to look after her mental health first.

OP posts:
sassbott · 17/02/2022 12:33

You support your SD in figuring out what she needs. It’s a sad situation but at 15, she can be walked through her feelings and arrive at an outcome that feels ok for her.

I think your DH going in and exploding at the DM is unhelpful and may actually not be what the SD wants deep down. So it could be counter intuitive.

Poor kid. She’s going to need to be equipped with the right skills to deal with her mother. Working through these scenarios with her will help build those. Which will help her massively in the longer term.

Louisianagumbo · 17/02/2022 12:49

I wouldn't get involved. She's 15 and capable of deciding where and when she wants to go. In what way is your husband bawling his ex out really going to improve the relationship if that's,truly hus aim? Her mother feels rejected and is behaving very immaturely by being offhand to show her daughter what she's missing. Just keep things steady at your end and don't comment negatively on her mother. You'll always be on the losing end of that. Encourage but don't force communication.

LittleOwl153 · 17/02/2022 13:04

Is the younger sibling her full sibling - and thus spends time at yours with her dad? Or would she not see them either if she doesn't see her mother?

Beyond being a bit concerned about that relationship I'd just let her do what she wants. She's old enough to make up her own mind, and for last minute changes not to affect you too much I assume so I'd say to her she's old enough to decide where she wants to be and when but suggests she keeps the door open with her mother for the future if not now. In terms of her birthday I'd ask her what she wants to do. I assume you'd be happy to celebrate with her in whatever format? So go with that if she wants. 15/16 is a really tough age.
Similar happening with my niece who her mother is still trying to force to contact (they have 50/50) like a toddler - without accepting she has friends/sports/a job do juggle as well as school work/revision! It's just causing too much friction!

RedWingBoots · 17/02/2022 13:14

I'm just not sure at 15 we should allow her to choose to almost severe that relationship

You aren't.

Your DSD isn't.

Her mother is.

You cannot force an adult to have a relationship they don't want.

Unfortunately your DSD instead of learning that through interactions with peers, friends and partners she is learning that through her interaction with her own mother.

Weatherwithme · 17/02/2022 13:14

I stopped organising contact at 15 and made the dc and ex organise themselves. They do go less than before because they have their own lives and like having one base so tend to go for meal and a movie then come back. I don’t get involved. I’d probably encourage her to go for a day visit or meet mum at shops / for lunch (if it’s near enough) but not force it. It’s totally reasonable for her not to want to stay over if there is no bed and she has revision to do.

Original poster
mommabear2386 · 17/02/2022 13:43

@RedWingBoots that's a very good way to look at it.
She has a half sibling (my son) with us but yes two half siblings (6&2) at mum who she will not see if she's not there.

Two older full siblings also but they come to us EOW and holidays so she'll still see them occasionally

OP posts:
LightfoldEngines · 17/02/2022 14:54

I moved in with my Dad as a teen for similar reasons. He initially tried to gently encourage me
to visit, however I would come home distraught after each one because, frankly, my Mum would be a cunt.

She would cry to my Dad about missing me and wanting me to go - I’d get there, she would either ignore me at best or be vile at worst, numerous occasions I’d get there and she would be going for a “family meal and no you’re not invited”.

The final straw was Christmas Day when I went around 5pm, to a drunk mother who’d got me no presents, and spent an hour hurling abuse at me. I promptly walked back to my Grandparents where we were spending Christmas, spent the rest of the festive season crying.

After that, I went maybe once every couple of months for an hour or two.

Penvelopey · 17/02/2022 17:48

Your DH shouldn't bother having a row. Just keep it civil. DSD doesn't want to come this time.

Kbyodjs · 17/02/2022 18:42

We’ve had very similar issues; I really tried to encourage the relationship as I didn’t want it to be lost but I’ve now realised that it actually does more harm than good to encourage DSD to pursue a relationship when there is no effort from mums side. If there was any effort from mums side and it was DSD being reluctant then I’d encourage it anyway possible but all that happens when DSD goes there is she comes back feeling hurt and rejected so until her mum makes more of an effort then DH and I aren’t going to push DSD to go. It’s really sad and I worry about the impact on her as she gets older but it’s out of my control to change how her mum acts.

MeridianB · 17/02/2022 19:13

Just continue to support DSD in whatever she wants to do. Tune the mother out. She’s treated her daughter appallingly.

Nothing DSD decides now has to be permanent- she can choose from week to week or month to month -whatever helps her not to feel overwhelmed or sad.

Chucklecheeks01 · 17/02/2022 20:56

The way I look at this with my DD and her dad's relationship is that I would never force my DD to go where she didn't feel welcome, loved or wanted. The fact that happens to be her dad's house is a side point.

We can't force relationships on our children just because it's a parent. If its toxic, it's toxic.

AthenaPopodopolous · 27/02/2022 19:54

Sound like mum is letting her older child suit herself and not forcing things. She’s also busy with younger children so cut her a bit of slack. The daughters expectations have to be managed in a kind way without her feeling pushed out.

Finallylostit · 27/02/2022 23:03

Sorry - not sure why the OP has to cur DSDs mother some slack.

She has pretty well abandoned her daughter and sided with her partner. Her daughter has issues with her step dad and his controlling behaviour that the sons ar not subjected to. ( from OP from previous thread)

Sorry there are alarm bells sounding on this.

Well done OP and her DF for supporting her. Letting her find her way knowing at least two people hav her back.
Poor kid

Original poster
mommabear2386 · 27/02/2022 23:30

Update for anyone interested, she has told her mum she won't be going round to stay for the foreseeable until after her exams at least... it didn't go down well and there was some too little too late action from mum like inviting her for tea etc

SD has calmly explained she doesn't want to be somewhere she feels like an outsider and wants to do focus on herself so we've respected that. Made it clear she should still be communicating with mum via text and that maybe after some space look at seeing mum alone

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/02/2022 00:10

Good update.

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